S03E02: Conspiracy theories

Transcript

00:00:00 Hurst
Yeah, idiots coming up with idiot ideas and presenting them as facts and...

00:00:06 Squirrell
Wait.

00:00:07 Squirrell
Does that remind you of anyone?

00:00:15 Hurst
Brush that under the cover.

00:00:16 Harriet
Top Five face-off contains adult themes and language that some people may find offensive.

00:00:21 Harriet
Listener discretion is advised.

00:00:23 Squirrell
He's Matt Hurst.

00:00:24 Hurst
He's Matt Squirrel.

00:00:25 Squirrell
This is top five based off the official world rankings of everything.

00:00:29 Squirrell
What are we ranking today, Hurst?

00:00:30 Hurst
Well, Squirrel, today we shall be ranking the top five conspiracy theories.

00:00:36 Squirrell
It's coming right up after this.

00:00:37 Robo-Katy Perry
If there's more than one, then there's a best and a worst.

00:00:41 Robo-Katy Perry
If there's more than five, call Squirrel and Hurst.

00:00:45 Robo-Katy Perry
It's the Top Five Face Off.

00:00:49 Robo-Katy Perry
It's the Top Five Face Off.

00:00:51 Robo-Katy Perry
The facts are exact.

00:00:52 Robo-Katy Perry
Top Five Face Off.

00:00:54 Robo-Katy Perry
Top Five Face Off.

00:00:56 Robo-Katy Perry
Official world ranking.

00:00:58 Speaker 4
What's next?

00:00:59 Speaker 4
You decide.

00:01:00 Hurst
Good morning.

00:01:01 Hurst
Good afternoon.

00:01:02 Hurst
Good evening, all.

00:01:03 Hurst
Good night, rankers.

00:01:05 Hurst
Welcome back.

00:01:06 Hurst
And if this is your first time, welcome to the show.

00:01:09 Hurst
Hello, squirrel.

00:01:10 Hurst
For all our new rankers, why don't you tell them what we do here?

00:01:12 Hurst
And most importantly,

00:01:14 Hurst
Why we do it?

00:01:15 Squirrell
Well, new rankers, hello there, how are you doing?

00:01:18 Squirrell
Welcome to our episode about conspiracy theories.

00:01:20 Squirrell
Each week we spin a wheel and it randomly chooses a topic that our Patreons have sent in for us to cover and we talk about it and we rank it and we choose the top five and the worst from that category to present to you, the humble ranker at home who visits our website www..topfivefaceoff.co.uk and votes.

00:01:39 Squirrell
And whoever is the winner, their top five has entered into the annals of history for

00:01:44 Squirrell
All time.

00:01:45 Squirrell
There is no debating what we come up with.

00:01:47 Squirrell
These are just ******* facts that are, I believe.

00:01:49 Hurst
Exact, absolutely exact facts.

00:01:51 Hurst
I mean, there is some debating prior to the voting though.

00:01:54 Squirrell
That's why there's no debating after.

00:01:56 Hurst
Yeah, Prior debate is encouraged, even I would say, just make sure we get the facts right.

00:02:01 Hurst
Make sure the facts are exact.

00:02:02 Hurst
And then the rankers of course decide which of our lists are.

00:02:05 Hurst
God, we're going around in circles.

00:02:08 Squirrell
Yes.

00:02:09 Hurst
I'm boring myself.

00:02:10 Hurst
The words are coming out, but I can't stop it.

00:02:12 Squirrell
I will get heavy with the hammer on that thing.

00:02:16 Hurst
Excellent.

00:02:17 Hurst
But we don't like to get straight on things, do we?

00:02:19 Hurst
We do.

00:02:21 Squirrell
Jesus Christ, look at the clock.

00:02:23 Hurst
Yeah, we're British.

00:02:24 Hurst
We like to beat around the bush and talk about things like the weather and what's been going on.

00:02:29 Hurst
So what's the weather been like?

00:02:30 Squirrell
Getting cold, Hurst.

00:02:31 Squirrell
It's getting cold down here in the Bedfordshire.

00:02:34 Hurst
Same up here.

00:02:35 Hurst
Yeah, drizzly and cold, which is classic November.

00:02:38 Hurst
I remember behaviour.

00:02:39 Hurst
Although yesterday was lovely.

00:02:40 Squirrell
It was fine.

00:02:42 Squirrell
I went out to watch some fireworks, which I know you hate.

00:02:44 Squirrell
Hurrah, good.

00:02:45 Squirrell
I enjoyed the noise they made.

00:02:47 Squirrell
But a couple of things from the firework display I feel that are worth mentioning, Hurst.

00:02:51 Squirrell
Number one, after the fireworks, there was a quick laser show.

00:02:54 Squirrell
And then a performance by Sweet Female Attitudes.

00:02:57 Squirrell
You sang flowers way back in the day.

00:02:59 Squirrell
Do you remember them?

00:03:00 Hurst
Nope.

00:03:04 Hurst
Oh yeah, I remember.

00:03:06 Squirrell
So they were there.

00:03:07 Squirrell
It was in a place called Oakley.

00:03:08 Squirrell
You've never heard of Oakley because it's a little kind of village just outside of Bedford.

00:03:11 Squirrell
But they had sweet female attitude singing.

00:03:14 Squirrell
They had ******* fireworks everywhere.

00:03:16 Squirrell
And they had an ice cream van.

00:03:18 Squirrell
Now, not only does this ice cream man have quite a queue of people, which was, I wonder if he's selling, you know, ketamin from under his freezer.

00:03:26 Squirrell
But also the name on the ice cream man, as in I guess his company name was Mr.

00:03:31 Squirrell
Ice Cream Man.

00:03:33 Hurst
Nice.

00:03:33 Squirrell
Not only is that lazy as **** I like the way he

00:03:36 Squirrell
He's got in there twice that he is male.

00:03:39 Squirrell
He is not.

00:03:41 Squirrell
He's absolutely a guy.

00:03:42 Squirrell
Mr.

00:03:43 Squirrell
Man, I'm surprised he can get Alpha on the end of it.

00:03:46 Squirrell
So Alpha, Mr.

00:03:47 Squirrell
Alpha, Ice Cream Man or some ****.

00:03:49 Hurst
Are you sure it wasn't Shaggy and that's just his ice cream company.

00:03:55 Squirrell
Mr.

00:03:55 Squirrell
Lava Man.

00:03:56 Squirrell
Mr.

00:03:56 Squirrell
Ice Cream Man.

00:03:58 Squirrell
But anyway, that's what's been going on with me.

00:04:00 Squirrell
Hers, what about you?

00:04:01 Hurst
Well, yesterday was Carly's birthday.

00:04:03 Hurst
Carly's my wife for any new rankers.

00:04:05 Hurst
So I took Carly out with

00:04:06 Hurst
We had a good time.

00:04:06 Hurst
I went through the Peak District and it was lovely.

00:04:09 Hurst
Thanks very much for asking.

00:04:10 Squirrell
What are we talking about?

00:04:10 Squirrell
What do we do on this podcast?

00:04:12 Squirrell
Oh, anything making you feel old, Hurst?

00:04:14 Squirrell
I was made to feel old.

00:04:15 Hurst
Go on, tell me about that.

00:04:17 Squirrell
Well, I watched Carrie on the Amazon TV thing, the TV show of the book, Carrie by Stephen King.

00:04:24 Hurst
Yeah, he said it was quite good.

00:04:25 Squirrell
******* brilliant.

00:04:26 Squirrell
Oh my God, I really loved it.

00:04:27 Squirrell
I watched the entire thing one day.

00:04:28 Squirrell
It was just like, get in my brain.

00:04:30 Hurst
Good bending.

00:04:31 Squirrell
But second, it had lots of people you remember from other shows you've seen.

00:04:34 Squirrell
It's basically a battles

00:04:36 Squirrell
are glad to go ******* reunion.

00:04:37 Squirrell
There's like seven of them.

00:04:38 Squirrell
It's great.

00:04:39 Squirrell
And Matt Lillard, the guy that played Shaggy on Scooby-Doo, he's in it as well.

00:04:42 Squirrell
And they're also ******* old.

00:04:45 Squirrell
Why are they so old?

00:04:46 Squirrell
They're like, power old.

00:04:48 Squirrell
They're like power great.

00:04:49 Squirrell
Like Matt Lillard, Shaggy from Scooby-Doo plays a headmaster and he looks like he's the right age to do that.

00:04:54 Squirrell
Like, yeah, that's disappointing.

00:04:56 Squirrell
And it's strange because all these people have got really old and yet I have stayed the same age.

00:05:00 Squirrell
So that's curious as to how they all got so old and old looking.

00:05:04 Hurst
Well, two points actually on that.

00:05:06 Hurst
haven't stayed the same age and something I needed to ask some advice about.

00:05:09 Hurst
So as our regular rankers will know that Squirrel and I are very close in age and only about 7 weeks or something separating us.

00:05:18 Hurst
But Squirrel is now 48.

00:05:20 Squirrell
I am.

00:05:20 Hurst
Has been for a whole month and as a relative young punk at 47, I wondered if you had any advice for me for turning 48 in a few weeks time.

00:05:30 Squirrell
Yeah, denial, as you may have noticed coming across in that previous thing, just deny forever that you are young and sprightly, even while your body gives up around.

00:05:42 Hurst
Being a bit of a wonky trolley, like I am, I really like it when I'm on things like prime numbers.

00:05:48 Hurst
Those are always interesting ones, whereas 48 is divisible by all sorts.

00:05:53 Hurst
How have you dealt with that?

00:05:56 Hurst
Excellent right chat.

00:05:57 Hurst
Moving on.

00:06:00 Hurst
Yeah, so I promised the rankers some updates on my excellent cricket and I used visualization to go into that match so I could manifest an excellent performance.

00:06:08 Hurst
And my stats are testament to the power of manifestation.

00:06:13 Hurst
I got hit for 36 runs off 2 overs, dropped 3 catches and broke my wrist so I didn't get to bat.

00:06:19 Hurst
So **** you visualization.

00:06:23 Hurst
**** you visualization.

00:06:25 Squirrell
You broke your wrist playing cricket.

00:06:27 Squirrell
Did you throw a ball real hard at it or something?

00:06:30 Hurst
Someone had connected super sweetly on the ball.

00:06:33 Hurst
One of the batsmen had absolutely middled it and it was flying across the ground for four and I heroically slid in to prevent the boundary, successfully slid in to prevent the boundary, save two runs, but did manage to land a little bit on my wrist and break it.

00:06:49 Hurst
And actually my third drop happened with a broken wrist, so we're going to call it 2 1/2 drops.

00:06:53 Squirrell
Oh, well, that's absolutely fair enough.

00:06:55 Squirrell
Your wrist is better now, I presume.

00:06:57 Hurst
It is indeed.

00:06:57 Hurst
And actually when I went to the hospital and was explaining to the lady in reception what had happened, similarly to the way I've just described it, she said cricket injury.

00:07:06 Hurst
And I did request that maybe she used the word heroic in there just a bit.

00:07:10 Squirrell
Excellent.

00:07:11 Squirrell
Yeah, as you should.

00:07:12 Hurst
But the rest is fine now and I am back training to be better next year.

00:07:17 Squirrell
Good.

00:07:17 Squirrell
Excellent.

00:07:18 Squirrell
Well, that's some exciting stuff.

00:07:20 Squirrell
Now, Ranker, speaking of exciting stuff, Hast has come up with a new idea that we're going to try out today.

00:07:24 Squirrell
What's the new idea?

00:07:26 Squirrell
Tell the Rankers and remind me.

00:07:27 Hurst
Well, the new idea is that you present us with your dilemmas or if you've got a friend who is.

00:07:35 Squirrell
Many friends, yes.

00:07:37 Hurst
My friend has this problem, etc., and we can offer you bad advice.

00:07:41 Squirrell
And the segment is called.

00:07:42 Hurst
Squirrel and Hurst give bad advice.

00:07:44 Squirrell
There we go.

00:07:45 Squirrell
Excellent.

00:07:45 Squirrell
Now, Hurst, magically, I've already conjured up the first dilemma.

00:07:49 Squirrell
I mean, conjured up, I've got someone to send it to me.

00:07:51 Squirrell
It's from an excellent #1 Dav Paz.

00:07:53 Squirrell
Hooray.

00:07:54 Hurst
Thank you, Dav Paz.

00:07:56 Squirrell
He says, gentlemen, what do I do with all this leftover Halloween candy?

00:08:00 Squirrell
He's written candy.

00:08:01 Squirrell
Now, first of all, I would suggest, Dafaz, that you stop using American vernacular.

00:08:06 Squirrell
You've got leftover sweeties.

00:08:08 Hurst
Yeah, you should do that.

00:08:10 Squirrell
So what could he do with those first?

00:08:11 Squirrell
He could lure some kids into a van.

00:08:13 Hurst
Yeah, I mean, that's the obvious thing.

00:08:15 Hurst
The other thing is just eat all of it in one sitting.

00:08:18 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:08:19 Squirrell
Does it?

00:08:19 Squirrell
Should he share them?

00:08:21 Squirrell
No.

00:08:21 Squirrell
Daf has children and a wife.

00:08:24 Hurst
Oh, in that case, he should probably eat them in front of the children and wife just to assert his dominance on the family.

00:08:30 Squirrell
And make sure to point out that you bought the ******* sweets, which makes them yours, and then gesture at the house as well, so they know their place.

00:08:37 Hurst
Exactly right.

00:08:37 Squirrell
Well, I think we've just been some excellent bad advice there.

00:08:41 Hurst
That's fantastic stuff.

00:08:43 Hurst
Let's see how people feel about that.

00:08:44 Squirrell
Well, it's also personal.

00:08:45 Hurst
I think we keep it going.

00:08:47 Squirrell
Yeah, I like that.

00:08:48 Squirrell
Rankers, if you have a dilemma, you don't have to be a Patreon.

00:08:51 Squirrell
Just write in hello at topfivefaceoff.co.uk.

00:08:53 Squirrell
Put some form of subject on your e-mail so I can find it easily along the lines of bad advice or something like that.

00:08:58 Squirrell
And yeah, maybe we will help you out.

00:09:00 Squirrell
with your predicament.

00:09:02 Hurst
Excellent.

00:09:03 Hurst
Good new segment.

00:09:04 Squirrell
Would you like to know what happened last episode?

00:09:08 Hurst
Yeah, all right.

00:09:08 Hurst
Let's see what people said and see how they voted.

00:09:13 Squirrell
I mean, yes, not what happened last episode.

00:09:15 Squirrell
I guess what happened after last episode.

00:09:17 Squirrell
You were there for the last episode, right?

00:09:18 Squirrell
You helped out.

00:09:20 Squirrell
I have the votes, I have the comments and we are back for a new series.

00:09:24 Squirrell
Maybe there's been an upset, Hurst.

00:09:26 Squirrell
Maybe the first comment isn't by the person we think it is.

00:09:29 Hurst
Only if she didn't know that it was happening.

00:09:31 Squirrell
Fortunately, she did, Hurst.

00:09:33 Squirrell
Welcome back, Mats.

00:09:34 Squirrell
I'm going to vote for Hurst as I watched the thing when I was too young and it scared the pants off me.

00:09:39 Squirrell
Looking forward to the episode where Chris Hemsworth guest stars.

00:09:42 Squirrell
Daddy.

00:09:43 Squirrell
Meg not yet.

00:09:47 Hurst
We've broken Meg.

00:09:49 Squirrell
We have.

00:09:49 Squirrell
Oh, she's going to break me.

00:09:51 Squirrell
I hear that your dog appreciated that as well.

00:09:54 Squirrell
Yes, dog is furious.

00:09:56 Squirrell
Two very fine lists with Nary and Nat's chuff between them, only decided on a technicality.

00:10:03 Squirrell
I've been to Dracula's castle, so how can he be fictional, her?

00:10:06 Squirrell
Automatic disqualification for Hearst.

00:10:08 Squirrell
PS, this solo supper website sounds great.

00:10:10 Squirrell
What was the website again?

00:10:11 Squirrell
Frog Trooper.

00:10:12 Squirrell
Thank you.

00:10:14 Squirrell
Trooper votes for me for spurious reasons, I would suggest that.

00:10:19 Squirrell
Vote for me.

00:10:19 Squirrell
Great to hear you 2 back in my ears.

00:10:22 Squirrell
Cheers, Kovash.

00:10:23 Squirrell
Thanks, Kov.

00:10:24 Squirrell
Didn't mention why, just it was nice for us to be back.

00:10:27 Squirrell
We agree.

00:10:28 Hurst
And voted for.

00:10:30 Squirrell
Me.

00:10:31 Squirrell
Don't know why.

00:10:32 Squirrell
Ohio here.

00:10:33 Squirrell
Left 4 Dead mentioned I vote.

00:10:35 Squirrell
So that's a vote for me from Ohio.

00:10:37 Squirrell
Thank you, Ohio.

00:10:38 Squirrell
Welcome back.

00:10:39 Hurst
Excellent.

00:10:40 Hurst
Our nerding excellence is appreciated.

00:10:42 Hurst
I said yours more than mine, could you?

00:10:44 Hurst
Hit the nerdier levels than I did.

00:10:46 Squirrell
Well, hang on.

00:10:48 Squirrell
A vote for Hurst because, yeah, Dracula is * ****.

00:10:51 Squirrell
And that's from Kern.

00:10:52 Squirrell
Thank you very much, Kern.

00:10:53 Squirrell
He absolutely is.

00:10:54 Squirrell
Such * ****.

00:10:55 Squirrell
Many short comments in a row, but here comes a long one.

00:10:58 Squirrell
A very close call this fortnight, but I think Hearst takes it just.

00:11:01 Squirrell
Dracula and the Thing are beating Audrey 2 and Pennywise.

00:11:05 Squirrell
Although I do think the best Stoker-esque vampires are the Vampiri from their Necroscope books by Brian Lumley.

00:11:13 Squirrell
There we are.

00:11:14 Squirrell
No name on that one, after their excellent observations.

00:11:17 Squirrell
Don't forget to put your names on these rankers, or we don't know who you are.

00:11:21 Hurst
B Stoker.

00:11:24 Squirrell
No, B Lumley.

00:11:27 Squirrell
Welcome back, Mats.

00:11:29 Squirrell
Starting out with a banger this season, but you presented a problem.

00:11:32 Squirrell
Squirrel's list says the correct order for the top two, hers says the correct top five.

00:11:36 Squirrell
Ultimately had to go over the overall lists, brackets, and the person I probably liked the most, joking, close brackets.

00:11:43 Squirrell
Also the gentlemen were terrifying, they were.

00:11:45 Squirrell
So bad.

00:11:46 Squirrell
Did you ever play Alien Isolation?

00:11:48 Squirrell
Probably the second or third most terrifying iteration of the Xenomorph, just FYI.

00:11:53 Squirrell
And that's from Moneyslinger.

00:11:54 Squirrell
Thank you very much, Moneyslinger.

00:11:55 Squirrell
We have both played Alien Isolation, Moneyslinger, and we've both played it in VR.

00:11:59 Squirrell
So there you are.

00:12:00 Squirrell
Hurst is looking at me like, have I?

00:12:03 Squirrell
But he has, because I was there.

00:12:05 Hurst
Okay.

00:12:06 Squirrell
You tried Gaz Chap's techno hat on.

00:12:09 Squirrell
Many years ago and that was alien isolation.

00:12:12 Squirrell
Do you remember there was an alien going at you?

00:12:13 Hurst
I remember them when I had like double axes and this was like I was kind of in peak bushido at the time and it was awesome.

00:12:21 Squirrell
There you go.

00:12:22 Squirrell
I vote for you, Hurst.

00:12:24 Squirrell
No name on this one.

00:12:25 Squirrell
Just says the gentleman are scary AF.

00:12:27 Squirrell
There we are.

00:12:28 Hurst
So scary.

00:12:29 Hurst
I'm glad that, I mean, I realised that our rankers are deeply nerdy like us, otherwise why the hell would they listen to us?

00:12:36 Hurst
I love that they do these things.

00:12:37 Squirrell
Welcome back, chaps.

00:12:39 Squirrell
Dav Paz here, as always.

00:12:40 Squirrell
Torn again, but it comes down to a toss-up between The Thing or Pennywise and I can't look past the awesome Tim Curry in a bone-chilling, never-bettered performance as the dancing clown.

00:12:50 Squirrell
RIP, you legend.

00:12:52 Squirrell
Thank you, Dav Paz.

00:12:53 Squirrell
Quite agree.

00:12:54 Hurst
Fair enough.

00:12:55 Squirrell
So Hurst, that's all the comments, many of them saying how tight they found it.

00:12:59 Squirrell
What do you think?

00:12:59 Squirrell
How do you think you've done?

00:13:02 Hurst
I mean, it's a tough one.

00:13:03 Hurst
But as we said last time, it's one of those weeks when we didn't have a big disagreement.

00:13:07 Hurst
We both just had great lists.

00:13:09 Hurst
The fact that our top two were both in the top two, it should be close.

00:13:13 Hurst
Based on the comments, my feeling is that I'm just a nose ahead, maybe a whisker, not a whole nose.

00:13:20 Squirrell
All right, well, let's find out.

00:13:21 Squirrell
First of all, rankers, where have you all gone?

00:13:23 Squirrell
Hurst is going to tell you off when he hears the numbers.

00:13:25 Squirrell
But anyway, Hurst, you got 22.

00:13:28 Squirrell
I got 18.

00:13:29 Squirrell
You are the winner.

00:13:31 Hurst
I mean, I'm pleased about that, of course.

00:13:34 Squirrell
Here it comes, Rankers.

00:13:36 Hurst
I mean, these are going back to sort of end of season one numbers.

00:13:38 Hurst
I think it must just have been that people weren't ready and now that they've had a chance to realise that, oh my God, it's happening.

00:13:45 Squirrell
There you go.

00:13:46 Hurst
We sent a little bit of a telling off on the Facebooks.

00:13:50 Hurst
Next week, Rankers, come on, let's get back up into the 70s or 80s, please.

00:13:53 Squirrell
All right, there you are.

00:13:54 Squirrell
Did you hear that?

00:13:54 Squirrell
Right, fine.

00:13:55 Squirrell
Has just finished lecturing the Rankers.

00:13:57 Squirrell
How about you tell us the top five fictional monsters?

00:14:03 Squirrell
At #5, we have The Gentleman off of Bumble.

00:14:09 Squirrell
At #4, Bram Stoker's monster, Dracula.

00:14:14 Squirrell
At #3, the terrifying The Thing.

00:14:19 Squirrell
At #2, HR Geiger's Xenomorph.

00:14:23 Squirrell
And at #1,

00:14:24 Squirrell
Godfather, the big daddy, the overlord of monsters.

00:14:29 Squirrell
It's Godzilla.

00:14:38 Squirrell
Excellent list, Hurst.

00:14:39 Squirrell
I am not unhappy about that at all.

00:14:41 Hurst
Cool stuff.

00:14:42 Hurst
All right, so let's move on to this episode.

00:14:45 Squirrell
Yes, let's get ranking.

00:14:51 Squirrell
First, this episode is sponsored by What Runs at Night by Ellis Fawn Gray, which tells you everything about our advertising budget right now.

00:14:57 Squirrell
We're being sponsored by a book.

00:14:58 Squirrell
A detective finds a body on the Thames with four claw marks across its chest.

00:15:03 Squirrell
Turns out London is secretly run by two werewolf packs, which, frankly, would explain some other rent.

00:15:07 Squirrell
There's also a tall, brooding man in a very good suit, and the detective falls for him slowly.

00:15:12 Squirrell
I'm also tallish and own a very good suit, and no one has ever fallen for me, slowly or otherwise.

00:15:16 Squirrell
It's dark, it's twisty, it's got werewolves, it's free on Kindle Unlimited, now called Kindle Plus.

00:15:21 Squirrell
Same price as this podcast, but far better written.

00:15:24 Squirrell
What runs at night?

00:15:25 Squirrell
Search for it on Amazon.

00:15:27 Squirrell
**** you, sponsor.

00:15:34 Hurst
You mentioned that you own a very good suit, but you kind of have to wear it if you want people to fall for you though.

00:15:39 Hurst
It's not just about owning it.

00:15:40 Squirrell
Yes, I mean, I didn't write that.

00:15:42 Squirrell
I don't own a very good suit and I'm married.

00:15:48 Squirrell
So yeah.

00:15:51 Squirrell
Anyway, let's move on.

00:15:53 Squirrell
Now we've got that out of the way.

00:15:55 Squirrell
So how's conspiracy theories?

00:15:57 Hurst
Yeah.

00:15:57 Squirrell
How have you found it?

00:15:58 Hurst
It's a good question.

00:15:59 Hurst
I thought it was going to be like a fascinating dive into new adventures, things that I've never thought of, but what it mostly was...

00:16:08 Squirrell
Stupidity, isn't it?

00:16:10 Hurst
Yeah.

00:16:11 Hurst
Idiots coming up with idiot ideas and presenting them as facts and...

00:16:16 Hurst
Wait, who wouldn't kill them?

00:16:19 Squirrell
Does that remind you of anyone?

00:16:27 Hurst
I found that I was more annoyed than I was interested for a lot of time, which I guess rankers probably won't be that surprised about if they've listened to ABBA or Fast and Furious or Spice Girls or any of those episodes.

00:16:37 Hurst
My rage button is easily pressed, but I did find it quite annoying.

00:16:41 Hurst
It was probably harder to decide which was my worst than which I thought was the best, but I've got a list.

00:16:47 Hurst
I'm happy with that.

00:16:47 Hurst
I've got talking points.

00:16:49 Hurst
Let's see.

00:16:49 Hurst
What about you?

00:16:50 Squirrell
Yes, I mean.

00:16:51 Squirrell
I kind of knew what my five were going to be and I did pretty much stick with them.

00:16:55 Squirrell
There is an awful lot of ******** that people believe.

00:16:58 Squirrell
It's incredible.

00:16:59 Hurst
Yeah, I mean, I did uncover a couple that I'd never heard of, which made me smile and roll my eyes and cuss and all sorts of other things.

00:17:07 Hurst
So it was, I guess it was an interesting week, but I was, my expectations for it and how much I was going to be able to immerse myself in it joyfully were misplaced.

00:17:17 Squirrell
Well asked.

00:17:17 Squirrell
Let's find out which one of us gets to speak first on conspiracy theory.

00:17:21 Squirrell
We can do that by flipping the coin of destiny.

00:17:27 Squirrell
Heads for Hurst, girls have tails.

00:17:28 Squirrell
Let's go.

00:17:31 Squirrell
Heads for Hurst.

00:17:32 Hurst
Excellent.

00:17:33 Hurst
Heads for Hurst.

00:17:34 Squirrell
Right.

00:17:35 Hurst
I'll kick off with, for each one I tried to establish what kind of conspiracy theory it was because there seemed to be a few categories they fall into, so I'll announce that as well.

00:17:45 Hurst
I went with one called New Coke, which is a conspiracy theory, which is a real event given a secret motive after the fact.

00:17:52 Squirrell
Many of these conspiracy theories are along those lines, right?

00:17:55 Hurst
Yeah, they are.

00:17:56 Hurst
There's some variations.

00:17:59 Hurst
If we were going to broadly swip into real event given secret motive after the fact versus theory, then looking for any kind of evidence.

00:18:05 Hurst
to support it would be the two main categories and everything sort of falls between those.

00:18:10 Hurst
But the summary is that Coca-Cola allegedly sabotaged its own drink in 1985 to make customers demand the original back a master stroke disguised as a marketing disaster.

00:18:20 Hurst
So by 1984, regular Coke's US market share had slipped and Pepsi was doing well, especially with the younger drinkers.

00:18:26 Hurst
So Coca-Cola wanted a sweeter formula that performed better against Pepsi and taste tests.

00:18:31 Hurst
Now the blunder they made was that in blind sip tests, people

00:18:35 Hurst
People did favor the sweeter new Coke, but they didn't measure anything like attachment to the original brand or how people felt about it after having it removed altogether.

00:18:43 Hurst
So Coke brought back the original after 79 days and regained the market share over the next couple of years.

00:18:50 Hurst
Allegedly, because Coca-Cola brought the original formula back quickly and won vast attention, the whole 1985 debacle was presented as a calculated reverse psychology stunt.

00:19:00 Hurst
The imagined cover-up is commercial rather than cosmic or government conspiracy.

00:19:05 Hurst
But the company supposedly needed customers to rediscover their love for the old drink and could not admit that it had manufactured the crisis itself.

00:19:14 Hurst
Truth is they'd intended New Coke to be the flagship, not a contemporary stunt.

00:19:19 Hurst
It was just a lucky outcome after a blunder.

00:19:21 Hurst
And that's not proof that the blunder was planned.

00:19:24 Hurst
Why would you come up with this conspiracy theory?

00:19:26 Hurst
What's driven it?

00:19:28 Hurst
And it's yeah, it's just the strength of the comeback is what made people suspicious of why they'd done it.

00:19:34 Hurst
It's just such a weird

00:19:35 Hurst
And that's why I put it in my list.

00:19:37 Hurst
It's like, who cares?

00:19:38 Hurst
Coke did a screw up.

00:19:39 Hurst
It's just some company, some confectionary slash drinks company that, you know, ****** ** and everyone's like, master plan.

00:19:46 Hurst
What?

00:19:47 Hurst
But I liked it because of that.

00:19:48 Hurst
So there you go.

00:19:49 Hurst
Number 5, New Coke.

00:19:50 Squirrell
Now, if it had have been on purpose, ******* hell.

00:19:54 Squirrell
Good job.

00:19:55 Squirrell
Like it's such a big risk to take.

00:19:59 Hurst
I think some blokes said that they were neither that clever nor that stupid.

00:20:03 Hurst
It's just something that happened.

00:20:04 Hurst
But yeah, if they had.

00:20:07 Squirrell
I think I feel this one is more plausible than you do.

00:20:10 Squirrell
I can totally see this being a thing that maybe it wasn't for the massive risk involved.

00:20:15 Squirrell
I mean, me and you both work for a company that ended up making pubs across the nation, put ice cubes in people's cider, you know, these things happen.

00:20:22 Hurst
It would have been such a massive risk.

00:20:25 Squirrell
It would have been.

00:20:27 Hurst
I just don't think anyone's taking that risk.

00:20:29 Squirrell
Right, fair enough.

00:20:30 Squirrell
Number 5 for me first is America never landed on the moon.

00:20:33 Squirrell
No one's ever landed on the moon first.

00:20:35 Squirrell
America faked the moon landing.

00:20:37 Squirrell
Fakers.

00:20:39 Squirrell
********.

00:20:42 Squirrell
Now there are a couple of really nice things I think that NASA have done either by accident or as they were faking the moon landing, which really added a lot of weight to this.

00:20:53 Squirrell
Number one, when the lander landed, it didn't go down at all.

00:20:57 Squirrell
It kind of sat on the surface, but Neil Armstrong was making footprints and NASA have never really explained that one very well because I don't think they're sure why it happened.

00:21:04 Squirrell
So they just ignored that.

00:21:06 Squirrell
Number 2, they wiped all of the tapes, all of them.

00:21:09 Squirrell
On purpose.

00:21:10 Squirrell
And that's really ******* sus.

00:21:12 Squirrell
It's like, guys, why would you wipe one of the most important things in history?

00:21:18 Squirrell
Unless you're trying to hide something.

00:21:20 Squirrell
But anyway, we have 382 kilograms of lunar samples on the Earth.

00:21:25 Squirrell
How did it get here?

00:21:26 Squirrell
I mean, that's it.

00:21:27 Squirrell
You're done.

00:21:28 Hurst
It's like clearly slingshot from the top of Everest up and collect the pieces that they fall down.

00:21:33 Squirrell
Or a really long lasso.

00:21:34 Hurst
Yeah, Something like that.

00:21:36 Squirrell
So yeah, it's.

00:21:38 Squirrell
It's got a teeny tiny couple of things behind it that make it credible.

00:21:41 Squirrell
And it would have been probably worth doing.

00:21:43 Squirrell
I mean, obviously Russia bankrupted themselves trying to win the space race and the US won anyway.

00:21:48 Squirrell
And that was bad for Russia and good for the US and blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:21:51 Squirrell
It just wasn't, was it?

00:21:52 Squirrell
So yeah, #5, we didn't ever land on the moon.

00:21:56 Hurst
I mean, that's a pretty well-known one.

00:21:58 Hurst
The new Coke thing was brand new to me, but actually after the moon landing conspiracy.

00:22:02 Hurst
No, I hadn't.

00:22:03 Hurst
I'm not big on conspiracy theories.

00:22:04 Hurst
I had to actually watch a bunch of YouTube videos because obviously that is their home base for all conspiracists.

00:22:09 Squirrell
I listen to podcasts.

00:22:11 Squirrell
Weird.

00:22:11 Squirrell
Who does that?

00:22:12 Hurst
Like top 10, top 20 conspiracy theories.

00:22:15 Hurst
How flipping heck is that?

00:22:16 Hurst
See how I make efforts to not swear as much?

00:22:19 Squirrell
Oh **** I've forgotten all about it.

00:22:20 Hurst
Got close.

00:22:20 Hurst
I mean, I've already spawned probably 10 times, but I went for a flip there.

00:22:24 Hurst
Yeah.

00:22:24 Hurst
And I was just looking at so much again, what the hell is that?

00:22:26 Hurst
And new coke was new to me, but moon landing not so much.

00:22:29 Hurst
Excellent.

00:22:30 Hurst
Right.

00:22:30 Hurst
Well, my #4 is another one that was new to me and is just.

00:22:34 Hurst
utter nonsense, but hilarious utter nonsense.

00:22:36 Hurst
And the type of theory I've called this one is the opposite to the coke one.

00:22:41 Hurst
This one is a theory that is now hunting for evidence to support it rather than something that's happened looking for a secret motive for that.

00:22:49 Hurst
And this one is reptilian overlords.

00:22:51 Squirrell
Oh, yes.

00:22:53 Hurst
Shapeshifting reptilian beings supposedly disguise themselves as royalty politicians, celebrities, like the, you know, the most visible people, the most influential people in society.

00:23:04 Hurst
are secretly controlling humanity.

00:23:08 Hurst
Jesus wept.

00:23:10 Hurst
So the alleged case, former Coventry City goalkeeper David Icke says a reptilian bloodline is infiltrating royal families, conversations and celebrities.

00:23:20 Hurst
Blurry.

00:23:21 Hurst
David Icke.

00:23:22 Hurst
Yeah, he's the guy who gave up with it.

00:23:24 Hurst
He wrote the book, The Biggest Secret in 1999, saying this is what happened and for whatever reason people have latched onto it.

00:23:31 Hurst
Blurry video glitches and strange facial expressions and blinking are offered as proof of shape shifting, while the cover up is said to be maintained through fear, media control and the ignorance of the humans being governed and in some cases mind control, which is another power of these reptilian overlords.

00:23:51 Hurst
The reality check.

00:23:52 Hurst
there is literally no evidence or even pretense of scientific evidence by these people.

00:23:58 Hurst
It's just all based on, oh yeah, see on this video, see how it's based.

00:24:01 Hurst
The only compelling thing I saw on that was a video of Elon Musk because yeah, okay, fair enough.

00:24:07 Hurst
He does things that are clearly not human in the facial expressions and his reactions to things.

00:24:14 Hurst
So yeah, if an alien was pretending to be human, that's the kind of person it would probably look like.

00:24:19 Hurst
But yeah, no.

00:24:21 Hurst
And pictures of humanoid

00:24:22 Hurst
in ancient manuscripts are, that's not proof.

00:24:25 Hurst
It's about as persuasive as proof.

00:24:28 Hurst
It's about the same level of proof that unicorns, flying unicorns, alicorns exist or any kind of unicorn because there are pictures of them.

00:24:35 Hurst
So must be real, must be running the world.

00:24:37 Squirrell
Yeah, that's true.

00:24:39 Hurst
So yeah, I'd say the origin was former Coventry City goalkeeper, David Icke.

00:24:44 Squirrell
That's incredible.

00:24:45 Hurst
Why do people believe it?

00:24:47 Hurst
means that a single fantastical villain explains every political and social problem we have.

00:24:52 Hurst
So, blame the lizard people.

00:24:55 Hurst
It's got a following of sort and some niche communities, but really no poll saying what percent of the population believe it because I think the numbers are too small because it's ridiculous and idiotic.

00:25:07 Hurst
No viability at all.

00:25:08 Hurst
No verifiable biological or historical evidence at all.

00:25:12 Squirrell
Oh, shocker.

00:25:14 Hurst
It's probably the most clear example of utter ******** on my list, but it's funny that someone would come up with it and other people would just buy into it as a fact.

00:25:23 Hurst
Rip to the Enable laws, #4.

00:25:25 Squirrell
All right, beautiful.

00:25:26 Squirrell
Sounds plausible to me.

00:25:28 Squirrell
Musk and Zuckerberg, for instance.

00:25:31 Hurst
Yeah, okay.

00:25:32 Squirrell
Totally be.

00:25:33 Squirrell
Number 4.

00:25:33 Squirrell
Now, #4, you've all heard, I'm sure, the conspiracy theory that Paul McCartney died at some point and was replaced in the album covers.

00:25:42 Squirrell
There were various reasons for

00:25:43 Squirrell
This apparently proved to be true.

00:25:45 Squirrell
That's boring.

00:25:46 Squirrell
The kids don't want to hear about that **** because Avril Lavigne is dead, Hurst.

00:25:50 Squirrell
And Avril Lavigne died in 2003.

00:25:52 Squirrell
That's right.

00:25:53 Squirrell
#4, Avril Lavigne is dead.

00:25:55 Squirrell
Wow.

00:25:55 Squirrell
died in 2003 after the Let Go album and was replaced by a lookalike called Melissa Vandela.

00:26:01 Squirrell
All right, there were some slight changes in her appearance, her handwriting changed, and her singing changed a tiny bit.

00:26:07 Squirrell
This is it.

00:26:07 Squirrell
This is all the internet fanboys and fangirls of the pop punk princess needed to decide that actually Avril Lavina died and that this new person had taken her place.

00:26:17 Squirrell
Quite why they think it was someone called Melissa Vandela doesn't really get explained.

00:26:21 Squirrell
And I found the original internet post, which has been copied many times.

00:26:25 Squirrell
The first

00:26:25 Squirrell
one to mention that they think Avril Lavigne has died and been replaced.

00:26:28 Squirrell
They didn't mention Melissa Vander at all, so I don't know where that came from.

00:26:31 Squirrell
But fans will compare photos, they will try and spot differences and build out this whole load of evidence around that.

00:26:38 Squirrell
And actually, this came out in, I think it was like 2010, first post of this, seven years after it supposedly happened.

00:26:45 Squirrell
During that time, there was a rather interesting photo of Avril Lavigne signing things and she had written Melissa across the back of her hand.

00:26:51 Squirrell
So that's interesting.

00:26:53 Squirrell
Why has she done that?

00:26:54 Squirrell
And maybe that's where this

00:26:55 Squirrell
this Vandela thing comes from.

00:26:57 Squirrell
They have asked Avril Lavigne about this.

00:26:59 Squirrell
In 2024, she called it dumb.

00:27:01 Squirrell
So there you are.

00:27:02 Squirrell
It's a solid defence.

00:27:05 Squirrell
Solid defence, you know, no one can deny.

00:27:07 Squirrell
There's a problem with things like this, right?

00:27:08 Squirrell
You can't prove that you are who you're saying you are, right?

00:27:12 Squirrell
You could just be lying.

00:27:13 Squirrell
She could be lying when she called it dumb.

00:27:14 Squirrell
Or maybe she's telling the truth.

00:27:15 Squirrell
It was dumb.

00:27:16 Squirrell
It is dumb.

00:27:17 Squirrell
She doesn't like being Avril Lavigne, but here she is, poor Melissa.

00:27:19 Hurst
We probably don't care that much.

00:27:22 Squirrell
I mean, Avril Lavigne fans probably care.

00:27:24 Hurst
The music kept coming out.

00:27:26 Hurst
If they liked it still, then you know, well done, Melissa.

00:27:30 Squirrell
Good job, Bill.

00:27:31 Squirrell
But yes, Avril Lavigne is, as far as I'm aware, still Avril Lavigne, #4.

00:27:37 Hurst
Moving slowly on to #3.

00:27:40 Squirrell
Hello, Rankers.

00:27:42 Squirrell
Hurst isn't being rude there.

00:27:43 Squirrell
I've just chopped out at least 3 minutes of absolute drivel about Avril Lavigne.

00:27:48 Squirrell
You're welcome.

00:27:50 Hurst
Number 3, I've got one that's real wrongdoing that has been inflated into total coordination, and this is big pharma suppressing cures.

00:27:58 Hurst
The theory is that drug companies supposedly possess cures for very serious diseases like cancer, but suppress them because lifelong treatments generate greater profits.

00:28:08 Hurst
The alleged case is expensive medicines pay

00:28:10 Hurst
since lobbying and real examples of corporate misconduct are treated as clues that companies bury cheap or permanent cures.

00:28:18 Hurst
Claimed logic, brutally simple, a patient who is cured stops being a customer.

00:28:21 Hurst
So industry, regulators and doctors must keep treatments profitable.

00:28:25 Hurst
This one's a tricky one because pharma has a bad track record of doing really shady ****.

00:28:33 Squirrell
More recently, for sure.

00:28:34 Squirrell
In the old days, it was, of course, glorious for the good of all mankind in that.

00:28:37 Hurst
Yeah, probably.

00:28:39 Hurst
Definitely, been

00:28:40 Hurst
caught a lot more recently.

00:28:42 Hurst
For example, in America, the collusion to make it so that insulin per unit cost 10 times what it did across something like 40 other countries.

00:28:53 Hurst
There's a lot of nasty business going on.

00:28:55 Hurst
It is not a pleasant industry and it has bad track record, but the reality check is the bad behavior are concerned, but they're not evidence of a worldwide cure cartel.

00:29:06 Hurst
Proven cure could be reproduced or exposed by universities, charities,

00:29:10 Hurst
public laboratories and competing firms with lots of strong reasons to publish it.

00:29:15 Hurst
Medicine already cures some illnesses, others, things like cancer are much more complicated.

00:29:19 Hurst
It's not a single disease and not a single illness that you can shoot with your silver bullet.

00:29:24 Hurst
So the origin is obviously genuine scandals and profiteering, which has created massive distrust of pharma and the ghastly American health care system perpetuates a lot of that.

00:29:33 Hurst
Why?

00:29:34 Hurst
It's clear financial motive is the obvious why.

00:29:37 Hurst
Expensive drugs and real scandals.

00:29:39 Hurst
A lot of following for us.

00:29:41 Hurst
broad online theme, but no reliable global count again for how many people believe this.

00:29:45 Hurst
Because again, it's a very broad topic.

00:29:47 Hurst
Viability, some viability again because of historic problems, but as coordinated hidden cure plot, independent researchers, rival companies, public laboratories, universities, someone really clever who's decided to go the academia route would be using the same kind of technology.

00:30:03 Hurst
Someone would have blown the whistle on it.

00:30:05 Squirrell
Someone would leak it as well from within the company, right?

00:30:08 Squirrell
There's no way that you wouldn't have one person.

00:30:11 Hurst
Not everyone is an evil ship.

00:30:13 Hurst
So it just, it's not, it's not really viable, but they don't do themselves any favours.

00:30:18 Hurst
So my #3, big pharma suppress cures.

00:30:20 Squirrell
You're right, there we are.

00:30:21 Squirrell
My #3 also meanders across stateside again, Hurst.

00:30:25 Squirrell
Hey, feels like a lot of these come from the States.

00:30:28 Squirrell
Although I guess it's Canadian, right?

00:30:30 Squirrell
But anyway.

00:30:31 Squirrell
Number 3 for me is the Satanic Panic.

00:30:34 Squirrell
So the Satanic Panic was very real, not Satanism itself, that was the conspiracy theory side of things, but in the 80s and early 90s in the US, they believed that Satanism was very organised and very real, and they would do such things as mutilate animals, as sacrifices to their dark lord.

00:30:54 Squirrell
and also abused children.

00:30:57 Squirrell
Less fun.

00:30:57 Squirrell
And the reason that this kind of came about is because children were being abused by their own family members and America and the world wasn't really ready to accept that was a thing yet.

00:31:11 Squirrell
As recently as the 80s, it was almost unheard of for that sort of thing to go to court.

00:31:17 Squirrell
Nearly always the men in the family would, this took a turn, didn't it, be abusive towards their children and it would never, nor would ever believe the child.

00:31:25 Squirrell
It's as simple as that.

00:31:26 Squirrell
Like they would put a story into their head about Satanists and

00:31:30 Squirrell
that would be it.

00:31:31 Squirrell
Off they would go.

00:31:32 Squirrell
And this thing was huge and it kind of spread across the states really, really quickly, people being worried about Satanists coming to get you.

00:31:37 Squirrell
And some people were taking to court.

00:31:39 Squirrell
The McMartin, it was called the McMartin preschool case of somebody that apparently practiced Satanism upon children and animals, began in 1987 and didn't finish until 1990.

00:31:50 Squirrell
It's 919 days long.

00:31:53 Squirrell
It's the longest trial on record and it has a record, like Guinness Records.

00:31:57 Squirrell
And it got, you know, dismissed and the accused weren't convicted at the end because

00:32:00 Squirrell
There's no ******* evidence at all because it didn't actually happen.

00:32:03 Squirrell
So the important distinction here is that child abuse was real, but the vast organised satanic conspiracy described during the panic and no substance to it whatsoever.

00:32:12 Squirrell
There you are.

00:32:12 Squirrell
Not a nice one, but there we go, #3.

00:32:15 Squirrell
That's why everyone is scared of Dungeons and Dragons.

00:32:18 Hurst
Yeah, which obviously came up as part of Stranger Things with Eddie Munson, wasn't it?

00:32:23 Hurst
It was Dungeons and Dragons, it's bringing Satanism in.

00:32:26 Hurst
And actually that was around the same time as New Coke as well, and there's a clip of Lucas sipping the new Coke.

00:32:31 Hurst
perfect, sweet, whatever.

00:32:34 Hurst
Right, my #2, we are going to a real secrecy inflated into a much bigger secret, which is...

00:32:41 Hurst
Roswell leading into Area 51.

00:32:44 Hurst
It is the US government allegedly recovered a crashed alien spacecraft and bodies at Roswell and then hit it and reverse engineered extraterrestrial technology at Area 51, sometimes with an alien advisor.

00:32:56 Hurst
So the alleged case in 1947, debris was found on a ranch near Roswell in New Mexico.

00:33:02 Hurst
The local army airfield initially announced it had recovered a flying disc, then rapidly changed the story to a weather balloon and that reversal is really the beating heart.

00:33:11 Hurst
of the conspiracy believers.

00:33:12 Hurst
see it as a panicked cover story after the military realized it had publicly acknowledged an alien craft.

00:33:18 Hurst
Conspiracies say the cover-up was necessary to prevent panic and let the US exploit this exciting alien technology before its rivals could have a go at it.

00:33:26 Hurst
The reality check is the official account identifies the Roswell debris with Project Mogul, which was a classified balloon project to try and detect Soviet nuclear testing, but they couldn't talk about that, so they had to come up with something different.

00:33:39 Hurst
They didn't really want to talk about it, and that

00:33:42 Hurst
of any kind of clarity was deemed as, oh my God, they're covering up something massive.

00:33:46 Hurst
It must be so massive.

00:33:47 Hurst
And it was actually quite an obvious path to be taking in that time in the Cold War.

00:33:51 Hurst
So, I mean, Area 51 is real.

00:33:54 Hurst
It genuinely tests or tested, it still does, highly classified aircraft, which would explain why it attracts myths and strange sightings because UFO unidentified flying object, literally anything you haven't seen before and don't know what it is, a UFO.

00:34:10 Hurst
So if they're testing out funky new

00:34:12 Hurst
aircraft, then that's what that could easily be.

00:34:14 Hurst
So yeah, the secret base is real.

00:34:16 Hurst
The alien employee called J-Rod.

00:34:19 Squirrell
J-Rod.

00:34:20 Squirrell
Does he pay for the bus?

00:34:23 Hurst
I have no idea.

00:34:25 Hurst
Anyway, we digress.

00:34:26 Hurst
But yeah, apparently J-Rod was the name of the alien that, the tame alien that helped them to reverse engineer his spaceship technology into all of the advancements we've had thereafter.

00:34:37 Squirrell
Thanks, J-Rock.

00:34:38 Squirrell
J-Rod.

00:34:39 Squirrell
J-Rod.

00:34:39 Hurst
J-Rod.

00:34:40 Squirrell
J-Rod.

00:34:40 Hurst
So yeah, real.

00:34:42 Squirrell
All right.

00:34:42 Squirrell
Number 2 for me, Hurst, is 15 minute cities.

00:34:47 Squirrell
You might have heard of 15 minute cities.

00:34:48 Hurst
I have not.

00:34:49 Hurst
This one hasn't come up for me.

00:34:50 Hurst
I'm excited.

00:34:51 Squirrell
There we go.

00:34:51 Squirrell
So this is an idea from urban planning that started in Oxford and has been copied in various places around the country and the world.

00:34:58 Squirrell
What they're trying to do is arrange neighbourhood so that where you've got a decent population of people, daily essentials such as shops and health care and parks and schools and things like that are all within 15 minute walk or bike ride or public transport.

00:35:13 Squirrell
This is a conspiracy.

00:35:15 Squirrell
It's definitely happening and it's a very good idea.

00:35:20 Hurst
It's not just called planning.

00:35:22 Squirrell
Well, now here comes the crux of it.

00:35:24 Squirrell
They think, they, being the idiots, think that things are being arranged this way so it's easier to control people.

00:35:30 Squirrell
So it makes people stay within their area of the country and not leave.

00:35:35 Hurst
That noise, Rankers, was my eyes rolling.

00:35:38 Squirrell
Yes, out of his head and onto his desk.

00:35:40 Squirrell
They've kind of merged it with some traffic schemes that Oxford had going on at the time, which meant you could only travel into the city for free 100 days a year or something like that.

00:35:49 Squirrell
Separate things.

00:35:50 Squirrell
But these very clever people, these geniuses, had put two and two together and got 87 ******* thousand and decided that this is a way of tracking people, this is a way of keeping people where they are so it makes this easier to control.

00:36:01 Squirrell
So it means the government can deal with this more easily.

00:36:03 Squirrell
Maybe, I don't know why the government would want to do this, but apparently they do Hurst and they're doing it in 15 minute cities which carry huge

00:36:10 Squirrell
for everyone on the planet.

00:36:12 Squirrell
they are bad because the government is doing this and they're trying to stop us from driving our cars.

00:36:17 Squirrell
Yes, they are.

00:36:18 Squirrell
That's exactly what they're trying to do.

00:36:20 Squirrell
You ******* morals.

00:36:21 Squirrell
Cars are bad for the world.

00:36:23 Squirrell
Yeah, there you are.

00:36:24 Squirrell
15 minute cities.

00:36:25 Squirrell
People will get upset about everything.

00:36:26 Squirrell
Now, this happened quite a long time ago, right?

00:36:28 Squirrell
Oxford started this scheme and people started moaning about it.

00:36:31 Squirrell
And many people across the world just kind of looked at them like you did and went, shut up, you naught.

00:36:36 Squirrell
What are you even chatting about?

00:36:38 Squirrell
None of this matters.

00:36:39 Squirrell
2026 asked, politicians are having to discuss this **** because people get their news from Facebook.

00:36:47 Hurst
I'm curious though, why is it your #2?

00:36:50 Hurst
What's made it ranked so highly?

00:36:53 Squirrell
That's a good idea.

00:36:55 Hurst
This is one of the difficulties with the whole topic, wasn't it?

00:36:58 Hurst
Like, what's your top five?

00:36:59 Hurst
Is it the best ones?

00:37:00 Hurst
Is it the most realistic ones?

00:37:01 Hurst
Is it the ones that made you laugh most?

00:37:03 Hurst
The worst ones?

00:37:04 Hurst
The ones that are most stupid?

00:37:05 Hurst
Like, how do you pick a top five of nonsense?

00:37:07 Squirrell
I went with what would be the most interesting thing to chat about at parties slash in combination with stuff I know about so I can talk about it with some form of, you know, not authority.

00:37:17 Squirrell
It's not the word I'm looking at, some form of confidence.

00:37:19 Squirrell
There we go.

00:37:20 Hurst
Yeah, I mean, that's pretty much I picked four and five because it would be most interesting for the ranks to listen to.

00:37:25 Hurst
Because at that point, you're like, they're all crap.

00:37:27 Squirrell
Oh, yes.

00:37:28 Hurst
And my top three, I think, are, well, those are probably the most interesting ones and the ones that have some kind of background of why there's something for people to gnaw away at.

00:37:35 Hurst
But what we, I mean, we're going to be on to the worst in a second, which *** ****.

00:37:39 Hurst
The thing that gets me is so many of these conspiracy theories are based on, someone's trying to control you, someone's trying to make you believe things that aren't true.

00:37:45 Hurst
Unless you are literally the one person that came up with the idea of this conspiracy theory, that's exactly what's happening to you right now.

00:37:53 Hurst
Only all of the science doesn't support

00:37:55 Hurst
That's all that's happened is you're being the exact thing that you're desperately proving that you're not whilst proving that you are.

00:38:01 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:38:01 Squirrell
And yeah, all these things in 15 minutes, cities exist.

00:38:04 Squirrell
They're there for a good reason.

00:38:05 Squirrell
Traffic filters exist, but they're not trying to imprison anyone in Headington, you know?

00:38:11 Hurst
Good city planning.

00:38:12 Hurst
How are people at a point where they're annoyed about good city planning?

00:38:15 Squirrell
Because they're trying to take away your freedoms first, and apparently that's important in the UK now as well.

00:38:19 Hurst
But you have all the freedoms.

00:38:21 Hurst
You can go and live wherever the hell you want.

00:38:24 Squirrell
Anyway.

00:38:25 Hurst
We shouldn't be doing that.

00:38:30 Hurst
You're right.

00:38:30 Hurst
We don't debate it.

00:38:31 Hurst
We just announce what we think are our top five and then the rankers tell us who's right.

00:38:35 Squirrell
We shouldn't try and fix these things.

00:38:37 Squirrell
This is a whole other episode.

00:38:38 Hurst
No, it's just going to get the rage up.

00:38:41 Hurst
Speaking of which.

00:38:45 Hurst
Worst was much harder because there were so many great contenders.

00:38:49 Hurst
Some of them were funny and just showed how willing people are to believe and think things like

00:38:53 Hurst
Finland isn't real.

00:38:55 Hurst
That's an actual conspiracy.

00:38:57 Hurst
Someone said it's not real.

00:38:58 Hurst
It's just an ocean between Denmark and Norway.

00:39:03 Hurst
I don't know.

00:39:04 Hurst
I'm my geography.

00:39:05 Squirrell
I know.

00:39:05 Squirrell
I've been to Finland.

00:39:06 Squirrell
Can confirm it's real.

00:39:07 Hurst
Anyway, that wasn't my worst.

00:39:09 Hurst
My worst one is the bloody flat earthers.

00:39:13 Hurst
I thought it might be part of my top five.

00:39:14 Hurst
It's like, oh yeah, that's something that's a really well-known one.

00:39:17 Hurst
But just listening to those morons droning on about the nonsense.

00:39:21 Hurst
The theory is for anyone who's been living under a rock.

00:39:24 Squirrell
Earth is.

00:39:28 Hurst
Supposedly a flat disk and governments, scientists, pilots, space agencies, and anyone with alpha brain is concealing the truth.

00:39:36 Hurst
The alleged case is that a flat looking horizon and misleading claims about the curvature and distrust of NASA images are treated as the size of the Earth is really a disk.

00:39:45 Hurst
They think that, I think it's the Arctic is in the middle of this disk.

00:39:50 Hurst
So if you're heading what you think is north, you're actually just heading to the middle.

00:39:53 Hurst
and that Antarctica is actually a massive ice wall that is all the way around the edge of said disk that is keeping us from falling off because of course Earth was built not long ago to keep us from falling off it.

00:40:09 Squirrell
Okay, that's cool.

00:40:10 Squirrell
Thanks.

00:40:11 Hurst
Yeah, it's just the most bizarre and obscure one because I couldn't understand why anyone would be making this massive cover up.

00:40:20 Hurst
Let's face it.

00:40:21 Hurst
Quick reality check, let's keep with the order.

00:40:23 Hurst
Satellite images aren't the only evidence.

00:40:25 Hurst
Eclipses, time zones, circumnavigation, changing star fields, navigation, simple observations of ships and shadows, which all behave exactly as they should on a globe.

00:40:34 Hurst
The theory's real feat is not explaining the world, it's explaining why countless unrelated people would maintain the least rewarding

00:40:41 Hurst
conspiracy imaginable.

00:40:42 Hurst
No one benefits from this.

00:40:44 Hurst
I mean, NASA gets a budget, but what's that?

00:40:47 Hurst
Maybe a billion or two a year, like in the world where trillions and trillions of dollars are going on, we've got a trillionaire, I mean, lizard person.

00:40:56 Squirrell
Twenty-four.4 billion this year has the NASA.

00:40:59 Hurst
Okay.

00:40:59 Hurst
I mean, it's decent, but the around the country has to pay it into an American government things like.

00:41:07 Hurst
I'm surprised that hasn't been stripped down and given to the billionaires.

00:41:09 Hurst
Anyway, we digress into politics.

00:41:12 Hurst
The following is the thing that gets me.

00:41:13 Hurst
It's basically, it's a visible online minority.

00:41:17 Hurst
Nobody's who are able to talk eloquently and with great conviction, like everyone else is the idiot.

00:41:22 Hurst
And they enjoy the attention whilst making stupid people announce themselves to the world by getting them to pipe up and go, oh yeah, you're right, yeah, you're right.

00:41:30 Hurst
So there's a few, I don't know, intelligent people who are just doing it to be ***** or people who are very eloquent and able to

00:41:37 Hurst
speak well, but don't really know what they're talking about.

00:41:39 Hurst
I don't understand who's following it, why they're following, or why it's even a theory.

00:41:44 Hurst
And the more I watch videos of it, of flat earthers arguing with physicists, astrophysicists, scientists, like anyone, and just stubbornly stick and fight, no, that's wrong because, and this is the sole argument as far as I can tell, if you watch a ship going across a straight bit of water, you can still see it when it should have disappeared below the horizon.

00:42:04 Squirrell
Yeah, even though it disappears bottom upward.

00:42:07 Hurst
Is it possible that your maths is wrong about when it should disappear or how far away the ship actually is when you're still seeing it?

00:42:13 Squirrell
Yeah, I mean, ******* hell.

00:42:16 Hurst
It made me so angry.

00:42:17 Squirrell
Let me just save a bit of time.

00:42:18 Hurst
Do you want to pile on?

00:42:24 Squirrell
I mean, it is basically for the reasons you said.

00:42:28 Squirrell
The previous one I just talked about, people being stupid with something that exists.

00:42:32 Squirrell
This one, I cannot find why they would think this is something worth arguing about, like, or something worth keeping secret from all of us.

00:42:43 Squirrell
Who cares?

00:42:43 Squirrell
If we lived on a flight earth, it'd be like, that's pretty cool.

00:42:45 Squirrell
Can I go and look over the edge at Antarctica?

00:42:47 Squirrell
That'd be dope.

00:42:48 Squirrell
So pointless and so easy to disprove.

00:42:52 Squirrell
Children could disprove this by holding up a torch at long distances from each other and then moving the torch downwards until it disappears.

00:42:58 Squirrell
But all the reasons you said, so ********.

00:43:02 Hurst
Yeah.

00:43:03 Squirrell
Shut out flat earthers, you really are looking dumb.

00:43:07 Squirrell
But enough about the worst test, let's talk about the first test.

00:43:15 Hurst
My #1 is something that we have discovered already because I think it is the ultimate theory and because it makes sense.

00:43:24 Hurst
It's an incredulity driven suspicion, but it makes sense for the time that it was happening.

00:43:29 Hurst
And that is the moon landing, which as you said, NASA supposedly staging the Apollo landings to win the space race using sets, special effects and colossal cover up.

00:43:37 Hurst
Allegedly it was all filmed in the Arizona desert inside Area 51.

00:43:40 Hurst
That's a good reason that it's so secretive.

00:43:42 Hurst
Yes, Amy Kubrick masterminding that whole thing.

00:43:45 Hurst
The believers point to the flag seeming to flutter on the moon even though there's no wind.

00:43:50 Hurst
Apparently odd shadows, the lack of stars and photographs.

00:43:53 Hurst
And the suggested motive does make sense.

00:43:55 Hurst
It was in the height of the Cold War.

00:43:57 Hurst
Russia had launched aircraft in space first.

00:43:59 Hurst
America felt like they were behind.

00:44:01 Hurst
And then the US could claim a spectacular victory over the Soviet Union without risking A visibly failed lunar landing.

00:44:07 Hurst
That makes sense as to why it would be a cover-up.

00:44:10 Hurst
And of course, technology was so behind at the time.

00:44:14 Hurst
If you think

00:44:15 Hurst
computers wise, what they could do, the computers they had weren't even as powerful as calculators now.

00:44:21 Squirrell
No, not even close.

00:44:22 Squirrell
They were so terrible.

00:44:23 Hurst
So suspicion is totally acceptable, popularized by Bill Casings' 1976 book, Suspicion Screw Around Cold War Propaganda.

00:44:30 Hurst
So that's where it started.

00:44:32 Hurst
Why?

00:44:32 Hurst
We just discussed because it makes sense.

00:44:34 Hurst
The technology was flawed, but also it was an important time where visuals, the optics of it were very important to the government.

00:44:43 Hurst
The reality check is that the flag was disturbed by the

00:44:45 Hurst
astronauts and held out by a support rod.

00:44:47 Hurst
Camera exposure settings made stars too faint to appear.

00:44:51 Hurst
And even lunar ground can make shadows look strange.

00:44:53 Hurst
They produced, like you said, untold, untold, well told you said 300 odd kilos of lunar samples.

00:44:59 Hurst
Laser reflectors still used today are on the moon.

00:45:02 Hurst
Tracking data imagery independently consistent with the missions.

00:45:05 Hurst
And none of that requires a film set.

00:45:07 Hurst
And all the other countries in the world would have been watching that deeply suspicious.

00:45:10 Hurst
And we're monitoring you going up there.

00:45:13 Hurst
So without going

00:45:15 Hurst
all the things you've talked about.

00:45:16 Hurst
For me, that is the most believable of the conspiracy theories.

00:45:21 Hurst
I had to have a proper look into it because I say, wow, it's more compelling, I say inverted commas, evidence that people provide for that than any of the other stuff that I found on YouTube, but then actually quite easily dispelled when you do any level of research into it.

00:45:34 Hurst
Would you like?

00:45:35 Hurst
Oh, I would.

00:45:36 Hurst
There we go.

00:45:37 Hurst
A fact and estimated fact about the moon landing.

00:45:41 Hurst
Oh, yes, please.

00:45:42 Hurst
Fact.

00:45:43 Hurst
the toy Stretch Armstrong.

00:45:44 Squirrell
Yes.

00:45:45 Hurst
Children's toy was invented by Neil Armstrong's son-in-law, who named it after the astronaut and his wife's request.

00:45:51 Hurst
In fact, the Soviets had their own spacecraft orbiting the moon at the exact same time and was attempting an unmanned sample return, but it crashed into the moon on the 21st of July 1969, whilst Apollo 11 was actually still on the moon.

00:46:08 Squirrell
I feel that the numerous things I've read and listened to over the past week, I say over the past week, yesterday, about the moon landing would have told me if there was a Russian ship in orbit at the time.

00:46:19 Squirrell
So I'm going to go where Stretch Armstrong was Neil Armstrong's son-in-law.

00:46:23 Hurst
The Soviets had their own spacecraft called Luna 15 that was actually orbiting the moon.

00:46:30 Hurst
They were trying to get samples as well.

00:46:31 Hurst
It wasn't manned and it did crash.

00:46:33 Hurst
So that's probably why they don't talk about it very much.

00:46:36 Hurst
But apparently, and again, I'd have to go into much deeper research than I bothered to, they.

00:46:40 Hurst
told the Americans what their trajectory was so that the ships didn't crash.

00:46:44 Hurst
So that was actually a rare cooperation of deeply suspicious enemies, as it were, in a Cold War.

00:46:51 Squirrell
Well, the scientists, scientists find you, are they?

00:46:53 Hurst
No, that's it.

00:46:54 Hurst
Scientists just want science to progress.

00:46:57 Hurst
It's the other people who are like, no, we've got to win.

00:47:00 Squirrell
There we are.

00:47:01 Hurst
So tell me about your number one anyway.

00:47:02 Squirrell
That's my number one is the Dead Internet Theory.

00:47:07 Squirrell
Have you heard of this one?

00:47:08 Hurst
Yes, I have.

00:47:09 Squirrell
There we are.

00:47:10 Squirrell
Tell us all about it.

00:47:10 Squirrell
No, that's my job.

00:47:11 Squirrell
So the dead internet theory basically says that no one on the internet is real.

00:47:15 Squirrell
We're not real right now because you rank us at home.

00:47:20 Squirrell
Shut up, other human.

00:47:24 Squirrell
Don't listen to him, fellow humans, we're real.

00:47:26 Squirrell
Everything on the internet is created by bots or AI.

00:47:29 Squirrell
Specifically, I think the dead internet very certainly started off with all forms of written content that are produced by bots for the purposes of advertisement or government control, not just the government of the place you're sat in, by the way, and things like that.

00:47:42 Squirrell
And now because large language models and what people think of as AI has become so much more advanced, it could absolutely do really

00:47:49 Squirrell
good versions of podcast like you really can.

00:47:51 Squirrell
And it can draw realistic pictures and make realistic videos and make you think that Tom Cruise is hitting a golf ball really hard while he's drunk.

00:47:57 Squirrell
That was the first good deep fake I remember seeing.

00:48:02 Squirrell
It's A conspiracy because it's being done for bad reasons.

00:48:05 Squirrell
It's being done to make us spend our money or to make us believe lies and stuff like that.

00:48:09 Squirrell
And specifically, the only reason it counts as a conspiracy is because it says that everything on the internet is now a lie, which it isn't because we are real.

00:48:17 Squirrell
And I do post things on the internet.

00:48:19 Squirrell
And when I do that, I am real.

00:48:21 Squirrell
And I know I am engaging with other real people because sometimes I meet them, don't meet people off the internet.

00:48:26 Hurst
Unless they're really cool.

00:48:27 Hurst
See us for bad advice.

00:48:29 Squirrell
See us for bad advice.

00:48:30 Hurst
Give people your bank account details.

00:48:34 Hurst
They might need your help.

00:48:35 Squirrell
You might have won a million pounds, dollars normally in some competition, but yes, there is a lot of it going on.

00:48:42 Squirrell
there is going to become a tipping point one day where most of the things you see on the internet are actually written not by human people, but by robots.

00:48:50 Squirrell
We're not there yet.

00:48:52 Squirrell
I don't think we're that far away.

00:48:54 Squirrell
In 2024, 51% of the internet's traffic, all of the internet traffic was made-up of what's called bots or automated internet traffic.

00:49:02 Squirrell
There's no human behind it.

00:49:03 Squirrell
This isn't a massive surprise because oftentimes technology is moving data to itself to kind of, you know, create backups and

00:49:11 Squirrell
of big company systems and stuff like that.

00:49:13 Squirrell
That's all automate.

00:49:14 Squirrell
That's all bot traffic.

00:49:15 Squirrell
It's coming.

00:49:16 Squirrell
37% is classified as what we call these bad bots, the advertising ones, the propaganda ones, the stuff like that.

00:49:21 Squirrell
And they absolutely exist.

00:49:23 Squirrell
There's no denying that.

00:49:24 Squirrell
When Russia a couple of months ago, maybe even last month, had a problem, a big problem with their internet providing service and kind of fell off the internet for a little while, the amount of posts about certain things involving a certain president of a certain country fell off a ******* cliff and then came back again.

00:49:43 Squirrell
you're naughty Russia.

00:49:44 Squirrell
And obviously it's not been proved, I don't think, but there is certainly lots of evidence to say that Brexit was manipulated by countries that weren't the UK, let's just put it like that.

00:49:55 Squirrell
Yeah, so the right now we're fine.

00:49:59 Squirrell
Right now if you see a person on the internet, it's probably true unless you're on Reddit, which is having a really big problem with this sort of stuff.

00:50:04 Squirrell
But in real life, you can probably believe that some of the stuff you see online is still written by a human.

00:50:11 Squirrell
And we're real.

00:50:12 Squirrell
Obviously, Rankers.

00:50:13 Squirrell
I can prove that by saying that we're real because robots never lie.

00:50:16 Hurst
Yeah, exactly.

00:50:16 Squirrell
And we're not cool enough to be robots.

00:50:18 Squirrell
Robots are ******* cool.

00:50:20 Hurst
Oh, now they're getting clever.

00:50:21 Hurst
They've realised that if they're too cool, people aren't going to believe in them.

00:50:24 Squirrell
Don't give away our secrets.

00:50:26 Hurst
I mean, you're right.

00:50:27 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:50:33 Squirrell
All right, Rankers.

00:50:35 Hurst
That's quite a long one, hasn't it?

00:50:36 Hurst
We really took the ball and ran and ran and ran with that.

00:50:40 Squirrell
And then started debating politics.

00:50:41 Squirrell
Hurst, would you like a fact and an estimated fact?

00:50:43 Squirrell
Not about the dead internet very because that's just all boring numbers and **** like that, but about chatbots.

00:50:48 Hurst
Yeah, go on.

00:50:49 Squirrell
All right, very simple one for you today, Hurst.

00:50:51 Squirrell
Fact, the first chatbot was called Eliza.

00:50:55 Squirrell
Or fact, the first chatbot was called Parry.

00:50:59 Hurst
Eliza or Parry chatbot.

00:51:03 Hurst
OK, I'm trying to think what a chat bot would be.

00:51:05 Hurst
It's like you're talking to a computer and it's replying as if it's a people.

00:51:09 Squirrell
That's right.

00:51:10 Hurst
This doesn't feel like one I can work out.

00:51:12 Hurst
No, I don't.

00:51:13 Hurst
I'm going to...

00:51:15 Hurst
If I had a coin of destiny, I think it was Eliza.

00:51:19 Squirrell
You are correct.

00:51:20 Squirrell
Eliza was created at MIT in 1966 and pretended to imitate a therapist by spotting patterns in what people typed and reflecting them back at them.

00:51:28 Squirrell
He didn't understand what people were saying.

00:51:30 Squirrell
Really, of course.

00:51:31 Squirrell
Perry came along in the 1970s and designed to imitate a person with paranoid delusions.

00:51:38 Squirrell
Perry.

00:51:40 Squirrell
So there we are.

00:51:42 Squirrell
You know what?

00:51:42 Hurst
In 2 episodes, I have equaled the amount of time I bested you with the entire season 2.

00:51:46 Squirrell
Oh, damn.

00:51:47 Squirrell
Yeah, because I got yours.

00:51:48 Squirrell
Oh, there you are.

00:51:49 Squirrell
Because it was only twice.

00:51:50 Squirrell
That's right.

00:51:50 Squirrell
Oh, well, there we go.

00:51:52 Hurst
Equal, but not defeated.

00:51:53 Hurst
There are still 18 episodes for me.

00:51:55 Squirrell
That's true.

00:51:55 Squirrell
You need to kind of lock in on these facts versus estimated facts.

00:52:00 Squirrell
Well, rankers, they are our top five.

00:52:03 Hurst
The estimated fact that the moon was actually made out of blue cheese.

00:52:06 Squirrell
So happy days.

00:52:08 Squirrell
It could be.

00:52:09 Squirrell
Could be for all I know.

00:52:10 Squirrell
I've never licked that moon rock.

00:52:11 Hurst
No, it's true, but it probably would have got blower by now.

00:52:15 Squirrell
Oh yeah.

00:52:16 Squirrell
Well, that's why they vacuum silly.

00:52:19 Hurst
Yes, voting.

00:52:20 Hurst
We need to sort that out, Rankers.

00:52:22 Squirrell
Don't forget to vote, Rankers.

00:52:23 Squirrell
TopFiveFaceUps.co.uk or TFFO.uk.

00:52:26 Squirrell
Just along you come.

00:52:28 Squirrell
Vote for one of us idiots.

00:52:29 Hurst
I have my arms crossed in defensive body language right now because I am disappointed by the lack of votes.

00:52:35 Hurst
But it was the first week.

00:52:36 Hurst
We were away for a long time.

00:52:38 Hurst
We maybe didn't give you enough notice or enough internet or something.

00:52:42 Squirrell
Excuse me, tell them off, tell them off, tell them what you really think.

00:52:45 Hurst
No, I've done the sting now, it's the carrot.

00:52:49 Hurst
This week, I'll be really happy.

00:52:52 Squirrell
There we go.

00:52:53 Hurst
Massive count.

00:52:54 Squirrell
Oh, we're really happy to rank us.

00:52:57 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:52:58 Hurst
We need to get up from, what was it, 40 this week?

00:53:00 Hurst
Was it 23 or 22 I got?

00:53:01 Hurst
It was 40 or 40 on those.

00:53:03 Hurst
We need to get, we need to be hitting consistent 60 plus.

00:53:06 Squirrell
Oh, there you go.

00:53:06 Hurst
If we're going to get to our thousand this year, we're going to have to really up our game.

00:53:10 Squirrell
Especially as we're only doing 10 episodes.

00:53:12 Squirrell
But anyway, rankers, pay attention to this.

00:53:14 Hurst
Did the rankers know we're only doing 10 episodes?

00:53:16 Hurst
We haven't talked about that.

00:53:17 Squirrell
Yes, didn't you just hear me?

00:53:20 Squirrell
They do now.

00:53:21 Squirrell
Rankers listen to Hurst, please come along and vote.

00:53:22 Squirrell
Please feel free to comment and if you do comment, don't forget to put your name on or I don't know who you are.

00:53:27 Squirrell
And nor does Hurst and nor do the millions upon millions.

00:53:32 Hurst
And millions.

00:53:33 Squirrell
I was so tempted to do that, but I figured that not enough people would get what the **** I was doing.

00:53:39 Hurst
I think they'd get it.

00:53:40 Hurst
Think about the people who write into us.

00:53:42 Squirrell
Well, they're just the ones that write in.

00:53:43 Squirrell
You have to think about the silent majority, which is, of course, you know, a problem that these conspiracy theories have.

00:53:49 Hurst
They're still listening.

00:53:50 Hurst
They love it.

00:53:52 Squirrell
Yeah, they do.

00:53:53 Squirrell
We're at the end where we forget what we do, Hirst.

00:53:56 Squirrell
We are on Facebook, we are on Blue Sky, we're on Patreon.

00:53:59 Squirrell
Come and join our Patreon.

00:54:00 Squirrell
That would be lovely.

00:54:01 Squirrell
Patreon.com slash Top Five Face Off.

00:54:04 Squirrell
All of those are words.

00:54:06 Squirrell
And you can get to choose what our future topic might be, Hirst.

00:54:10 Squirrell
And I realise.

00:54:11 Hurst
I see what our future topic will be.

00:54:12 Squirrell
We haven't.

00:54:13 Squirrell
We started talking about the end of the show without picking a topic for next time.

00:54:17 Squirrell
So let us do that now.

00:54:19 Squirrell
There is the Wheelhurst spinning in all its colourful glory.

00:54:23 Squirrell
Anything on there catching your eye?

00:54:26 Hurst
I am still really keen for the guitar riffs.

00:54:31 Hurst
I think that'll be extra mass I Ohio, wasn't it?

00:54:34 Hurst
Superpowers.

00:54:35 Hurst
That might be quite funny because that doesn't require a lot of research.

00:54:37 Hurst
It just requires a lot of ********.

00:54:39 Hurst
Yeah, I mean, either of those two I'd be really pleased.

00:54:41 Hurst
I'm sure there's some other good ones in there that I haven't honed in on.

00:54:44 Hurst
Let's just see.

00:54:46 Hurst
Let's just do it.

00:54:46 Hurst
They're all great because there are all Patreons that have presented them.

00:54:50 Squirrell
I really want Top Five Girls on Loud Songs just to make you rage.

00:54:53 Hurst
Not all great.

00:54:54 Hurst
Mostly great because they're from our pages.

00:54:56 Squirrell
That's true.

00:54:56 Squirrell
Top Five things you can buy or do for less than 5 pounds.

00:54:59 Squirrell
Hey, that would be really interesting.

00:55:01 Squirrell
Plus, we get to spend 25 quid on research, or maybe more, I guess, because we would have to rule some things out.

00:55:07 Squirrell
This week's topic, conspiracy theories was suggested by Gaz Chap.

00:55:09 Squirrell
One of our number ones.

00:55:10 Squirrell
Thank you, Gaz Chap, but enough of that ****.

00:55:12 Squirrell
Let's spin the wheel, see what we get.

00:55:14 Hurst
So here's the new one, Gaz Champ.

00:55:15 Hurst
Let's see what you got next.

00:55:16 Squirrell
First, we are doing, as suggested by Money Slinger, Marvel Movies.

00:55:22 Hurst
Oh my God.

00:55:23 Squirrell
And that's all he said, Marvel movies.

00:55:25 Squirrell
He hasn't said MCU, he hasn't said anything specific.

00:55:28 Squirrell
So the whole range of existing Marvel media, as long as it is film length, I think it's hours to cover.

00:55:35 Hurst
I mean, I could probably this one now because I'm going to lose because what I like best isn't going to be the same.

00:55:40 Squirrell
As everyone else does.

00:55:42 Squirrell
I don't know.

00:55:43 Squirrell
I like me some strange ****.

00:55:47 Hurst
Fair enough.

00:55:48 Hurst
Yeah.

00:55:48 Hurst
Okay, good one.

00:55:48 Hurst
Thanks, Money Slinger.

00:55:49 Squirrell
There we go.

00:55:50 Hurst
Thanks for slinging the money.

00:55:51 Squirrell
Speaking of slinging the money first, would you like to read out our number ones so they get their name mentioned and then give us a little conspiracy theory about each one of them?

00:56:01 Hurst
******* talk about putting you on the spot.

00:56:03 Hurst
Off you go.

00:56:04 Hurst
Right.

00:56:04 Hurst
Okay.

00:56:05 Hurst
Gas chap.

00:56:06 Hurst
founded a secret society of performing monkeys that is actually responsible for producing 40% of all of the jingles for adverts on the radio.

00:56:20 Squirrell
Well, there we are.

00:56:20 Hurst
So that's true.

00:56:22 Hurst
Goddess Jasmine is actually worshipped as a deity in a small country called Panicula in the Far Eastern Caribbean.

00:56:32 Squirrell
Hence the name, of course.

00:56:33 Hurst
That's where it came from originally.

00:56:35 Hurst
Dav Paz, his real name.

00:56:36 Hurst
name is Paz Dav, but he uses Dav Paz because Paz Dav is a deeply offensive word in Scandinavian culture.

00:56:47 Hurst
Kovach is the only person in the world who can actually fly unpowered.

00:56:57 Hurst
But he doesn't do it because he doesn't want to be experimented on.

00:57:01 Hurst
But there are a few pictures of him flying when he doesn't think people are looking.

00:57:06 Hurst
And Money Slinger is worth $11 trillion but covers it up and pretends to be poor and is plotting to allegedly win a couple of million on the lottery because he does want a bigger house but doesn't want anyone to know about his trillions.

00:57:23 Hurst
Actually the first ever trillionaire in the world.

00:57:25 Squirrell
All right, cool.

00:57:26 Squirrell
And what about Shane 92?

00:57:30 Hurst
Sweet baby Jesus, we have a new number one.

00:57:34 Hurst
Oh, Shane.

00:57:34 Hurst
And what a specimen as well.

00:57:37 Squirrell
I don't know.

00:57:37 Hurst
What a specimen.

00:57:39 Hurst
I mean, I assume he's a specimen because he's number one.

00:57:42 Squirrell
Makes perfect sense.

00:57:43 Squirrell
Is there a conspiracy about Shane 92?

00:57:46 Hurst
Of course there is.

00:57:48 Hurst
Shane 92 was actually born in 1985, but claims to be born in 1992 because it fits better with his online personality of someone who is 24.

00:58:00 Hurst
34.

00:58:02 Hurst
34.

00:58:03 Squirrell
It should be 24.

00:58:05 Squirrell
I don't disagree.

00:58:06 Squirrell
There we go.

00:58:07 Squirrell
Excellent work.

00:58:07 Squirrell
Thank you, Hurst.

00:58:08 Squirrell
Thank you, number ones, especially thank you to Shane.

00:58:10 Squirrell
Welcome along.

00:58:11 Hurst
Oh, welcome aboard.

00:58:12 Squirrell
Want to become a #1 ranker?

00:58:15 Squirrell
All you have to do is join our patron, the five pounds per month tier, and then Hurst will read out your name and make up lies about you just like that.

00:58:23 Hurst
Yeah, that was, I mean, adding to a really long episode.

00:58:25 Hurst
You really decided to draw that one out?

00:58:28 Squirrell
Yeah, I probably should have thought that through, but never mind.

00:58:32 Hurst
But I mean, I was so efficient and they were such convincing lies that they probably wouldn't believe that I came up with them off the top of my head.

00:58:39 Squirrell
Especially when I chop out all the gaps.

00:58:41 Squirrell
So it sounds like you just came right out with them.

00:58:43 Squirrell
There we are.

00:58:45 Squirrell
Past.

00:58:46 Squirrell
You sell arts on the internet and everyone wants art because conspiracy.

00:58:53 Squirrell
Where can they get good arts?

00:58:55 Hurst
Well, this is.

00:58:56 Hurst
A boring story, but you can't buy them on my website at the moment because I stopped working with Shopify, which has its whole gripping my **** thing.

00:59:04 Hurst
We won't go into that now, but you can still get in touch with the show.

00:59:07 Hurst
Hello, topfivefaceoff.co.uk or you could message me at doghouseart at email.com.

00:59:16 Squirrell
All right, there we go.

00:59:17 Hurst
But more exciting recent news has uncovered your talent.

00:59:22 Hurst
What have you got going on out there?

00:59:24 Hurst
What's your creative output and where can people access it?

00:59:27 Squirrell
Oh yes, good point, Hirst.

00:59:29 Squirrell
Hey, it's nearly Christmas.

00:59:31 Squirrell
Maybe you've got a loved one that's really into cars and some **** especially classic cars, especially if they fix them themselves.

00:59:37 Squirrell
You want a t-shirt with an MOT failure written on it.

00:59:39 Squirrell
Yes, you do.

00:59:40 Squirrell
Go to minordefect.co.uk to get your MOT fail t-shirt now.

00:59:44 Squirrell
There we go.

00:59:46 Hurst
So not just the books, because Squirrel writes books too.

00:59:50 Hurst
He makes t-shirts.

00:59:51 Squirrell
He does.

00:59:53 Hurst
Fantastic.

00:59:54 Hurst
But you should also go and buy his books as well from Amazon.

00:59:56 Squirrell
That's the next time I can talk about that.

01:00:01 Hurst
Promotion.

01:00:01 Hurst
Excellent stuff.

01:00:02 Squirrell
Minor defect.co.uk.

01:00:04 Hurst
Minor defect.co.uk.

01:00:06 Hurst
And that's t-shirts.

01:00:08 Hurst
Is it just the one t-shirt or have you put on another?

01:00:11 Squirrell
No, it's every MOT file I can find that exists you can have on a t-shirt.

01:00:16 Squirrell
The best selling one is oil leak but not excessive by some distance.

01:00:19 Squirrell
And I'm not really sure why that does so well.

01:00:22 Squirrell
But front bush excessively worn.

01:00:24 Squirrell
Nice.

01:00:27 Squirrell
Fluid leaking continuously and likely to pose a serious risk to rd safety.

01:00:31 Hurst
Good stuff.

01:00:32 Squirrell
On a T-shirt.

01:00:34 Squirrell
So there you are.

01:00:34 Squirrell
If you like the sound of that, get in there.

01:00:36 Hurst
I really like the sound of that.

01:00:37 Squirrell
Seventeen pounds.

01:00:38 Squirrell
What a bargain.

01:00:39 Squirrell
Buy one for a friend or family member.

01:00:42 Squirrell
And while you're buying it for them, tell them about us as well.

01:00:45 Squirrell
And say, wait, hot 5 face off is great.

01:00:47 Squirrell
Give them a listen.

01:00:47 Hurst
Yeah.

01:00:48 Squirrell
What else do we do?

01:00:50 Hurst
That was pretty succinct.

01:00:51 Hurst
We've only been doing this for a couple of hours now, so probably slide it into whatever we do first thing on a Monday.

01:00:59 Squirrell
Rankers, please rewind this podcast for the next people that come along and we will see you in two weeks time with Marvel Movies.

01:01:07 Hurst
Tweet.

01:01:08 Squirrell
Tweet.

01:01:08 Hurst
See you later then, Rankers.

01:01:11 Hurst
Love you.

01:01:18 Harriet
Top Five Face Off is presented by Matt Hurst and Matt Squirrell and produced by Power Storm Awesome Fire Incorporated.

01:01:25 Harriet
For more details and to vote for winner, visit topfivefaceoff.co.uk.

01:01:30 Harriet
Thanks for listening.

01:01:46 Robo-Katy Perry
Top Five Face Off Top Five Face Off Top Five Face Off.

01:02:03 Robo-Katy Perry
Top Five Face Off.

01:02:12 Hurst
Yeah, Top Five Face Off has been brought to you by Matt Hurst and Matt Squirrell.

01:02:18 Squirrell
And produced by Parson on Awesome Fire Incorporated.

01:02:23 Hurst
I'm not saying anyone could be like a really brilliant artist, but I could teach anyone who says they can't draw to be able to, but then they have to put the hours in afterwards.

01:02:31 Squirrell
I mean, my level of drawing is Pictionary level, and that's where I need it.

01:02:34 Squirrell
Like, I don't need it to get higher than that.

01:02:36 Squirrell
I just need to be able to play Pictionary if required.

01:02:39 Hurst
Yeah, but that's it.

01:02:40 Hurst
You'd have to want to.

01:02:41 Hurst
That's the other thing.

01:02:42 Squirrell
I'm really tempted to put that as the first thing in the episode and never ever come back to it.

01:02:51 Hurst
Yeah, I think do that, see if anyone notices.

01:02:56 Squirrell
See how ambitious and determined I am when I get the editing hammer.

01:02:59 Squirrell
A lot of editing to do so far.

01:03:03 Hurst
There's going to be swathes of number chat just sitting on the floor after you've hacked away.

01:03:09 Squirrell
Just covered in 40 eggs.

01:03:15 Hurst
Big Pharma.

01:03:16 Hurst
And I'm not talking about some guy in a field with a massive hoe who's 10 foot tall.

01:03:21 Hurst
I'm talking about pharmaceuticals.

01:03:25 Hurst
Big pharma going, you are those kids.

01:03:27 Squirrell
Get off my land.

01:03:28 Squirrell
Get off my land.

01:03:33 Squirrell
All right, beautiful.

01:03:34 Squirrell
Sounds plausible to me.

01:03:35 Squirrell
Musk and Zuckerberg, for instance.

01:03:38 Hurst
Yeah, OK.

01:03:39 Squirrell
Don't serve us.

01:03:41 Squirrell
We haven't got anything to give you if you win.

01:03:44 Hurst
You're welcome to my debt.

01:03:50 Squirrell
The Coin of Destiny.

01:03:54 Squirrell
It's for Hurst.

01:03:55 Squirrell
Squirrels have tails.

01:03:56 Squirrell
Let's go.

01:03:58 Squirrell
Bounced off my microphone and it's on the floor.

01:04:00 Squirrell
Turn it over and it is heads for Hurst.

01:04:05 Squirrell
Spicy.

01:04:05 Squirrell
Hurst, conspiracy.

01:04:07 Squirrell
This is a random 50p.

01:04:08 Squirrell
The proper 50p is still over there.

01:04:10 Squirrell
Oh no.

01:04:10 Squirrell
Do I have to do it again?

01:04:13 Hurst
Is that a conspiracy or is that?

01:04:14 Hurst
I mean, I think, you have to use the coin of destiny, otherwise we lied.

01:04:19 Squirrell
Right, the coin of destiny is attached to, we're going to cut that whole bit out and put it at the end, let's go again.

01:04:24 Squirrell
And I'll just go from the flip.

01:04:29 Squirrell
Heads first.

01:04:30 Hurst
Okay, but now it's official, we'll never have to wonder.

01:04:32 Squirrell
No, they're not going to know what that means.

01:04:34 Squirrell
I'm taking that bit out.

01:04:36 Hurst
Okay.

01:04:41 Hurst
Yeah, I mean, that's the obvious thing.

01:04:43 Hurst
The other thing is just eat all of it in one sitting.

01:04:48 Hurst
And then I don't know.

01:04:54 Hurst
I mean, maybe we need more time to think about this bad advice before we give it.

01:04:58 Squirrell
That was excellent bad advice.

01:05:00 Squirrell
You just tried to add more and I'm not sure what that more would be.

01:05:07 Hurst
We won't go into that now, but you can still get in touch with the show.

01:05:10 Hurst
Hello at tffo.co.uk.

01:05:13 Squirrell
Hello at topfivefaceoff.co.uk.

01:05:15 Hurst
I thought we had both.

01:05:16 Squirrell
We have tffo.uk, but we don't forward any of the emails from that.

01:05:20 Hurst
Okay.

01:05:21 Hurst
So you could write to hello at topfivefaceoff.co.uk or you could message me.

01:05:30 Squirrell
Probably the second or third most terrifying iteration of the Xenophor.

01:05:35 Squirrell
Probably the second or third most terrifying intimate.

01:05:40 Squirrell
Beep.

01:05:41 Squirrell
Beep.

01:05:47 Hurst
Yeah, it's just maybe we should call them the marks.

01:05:51 Squirrell
No, they're called Rankers.

01:05:52 Hurst
Rankers.

01:05:53 Squirrell
We're not going to rename them ******* 44 episodes in or whatever this one is.

01:05:59 Hurst
That's true.

01:05:59 Squirrell
I don't know what this one is.

01:06:01 Squirrell
Anyway.

01:06:05 Squirrell
What the **** happened?

01:06:09 Squirrell
You nearly said something, didn't you?

01:06:11 Hurst
Yeah, I did.

01:06:12 Hurst
You started talking about it.

01:06:15 Hurst
Right, okay, let's do that again.