S01E20: Sitcom wives

Transcript

00:00:00 Harriet
Top Five Face Off contains adult themes and language that some people may find defensive.

00:00:05 Harriet
Listener discretion is advised.

00:00:07 Squirrell
He's Mat Hurst.

00:00:08 Hurst
He's Matt Squirrell.

00:00:09 Squirrell
And this is Top Five Face Off, the official world rankings of everything.

00:00:13 Squirrell
What are we ranking today, Hurst?

00:00:15 Hurst
Well, Squirrel, today we're going to be ranking the top five sitcom wives.

00:00:20 Squirrell
Coming right up after this.

00:00:37 Robo-Katy Perry
If there's more than one then there's a best and a worst If there's more than five, call Squirrel and Hearst It's the top fun face-off Actual fact It's the top fun face-off Facts are exact Top fun face-off Top fun face-off Official world ranking What's next? You decide!

00:00:57 Harriet
You decide.

00:00:58 Hurst
Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, and good night to the rankers.

00:01:02 Hurst
Welcome back, or if this is your first visit, welcome to the show.

00:01:06 Hurst
Screw up for all of the new rankers, why don't you tell them what it is we're doing here and, of course, why we're doing it?

00:01:11 Squirrell
Well, listen up, new rankers.

00:01:13 Squirrell
This is the last episode of our first season.

00:01:16 Squirrell
We've got 19 other episodes for you to listen to, and almost certainly you're not listening to this one in time to actually vote on it.

00:01:22 Squirrell
So anyway, this is Top Five Face-Off.

00:01:24 Squirrell
We do the official world rankings of everything.

00:01:26 Squirrell
Choose a topic.

00:01:27 Squirrell
Top five, worst.

00:01:29 Squirrell
Go to the site, topfivefaceoff.co.uk.

00:01:31 Squirrell
Vote, winner.

00:01:33 Squirrell
There you go, that's what we do.

00:01:34 Hurst
Gosh, you did just make it sound like the worst counts.

00:01:36 Hurst
I just want to be clear that the worst does not count.

00:01:38 Squirrell
It does not count.

00:01:40 Squirrell
Just for fun.

00:01:41 Hurst
Just for fun.

00:01:42 Hurst
Cool.

00:01:42 Hurst
So we can't get to the point, naturally.

00:01:44 Hurst
So how's the weather been?

00:01:46 Squirrell
It's sunny, Hurst.

00:01:47 Squirrell
I went camping at the weekend, as you well know, as you maybe were going to come and then didn't.

00:01:53 Squirrell
Very nice.

00:01:53 Squirrell
And it was very sunny, Hurst, as I would demonstrate by taking off my watch.

00:01:57 Squirrell
Can you see the nice line?

00:01:59 Hurst
Yeah, a little bit.

00:01:59 Hurst
It's quite blur.

00:02:01 Squirrell
It's red as hell, Hurst.

00:02:03 Hurst
Well done for that.

00:02:04 Squirrell
Thanks.

00:02:04 Squirrell
Yep.

00:02:05 Squirrell
So yeah, sunny.

00:02:06 Hurst
Yeah, mostly good here.

00:02:08 Hurst
I'll do a bit of what's going on then.

00:02:09 Hurst
Our neighbors to the back of our house have chickens and a rooster.

00:02:14 Hurst
It goes off, well, whenever there's light, it doesn't go off during the night.

00:02:17 Hurst
So Fonzie's got one on in there.

00:02:19 Hurst
But when we moved in, I realized there was a potential conflict of borderline feral street dogs and chickens.

00:02:26 Hurst
So I went round there, figured out which house it was down the main road, and popped in and said, can you just please make sure that you're

00:02:33 Hurst
your fences are properly secure because I don't want my dogs coming in and eating your chickens.

00:02:37 Hurst
And they were absolutely made-up that we'd come around to talk to them.

00:02:41 Hurst
So they're an Indian family and they moved here about a year and a half ago and just thought it was really unfriendly because no one came around to talk to them.

00:02:48 Hurst
No one came around to greet them.

00:02:50 Hurst
So when I came around to say, keep your chickens safe, they were made-up and invited me over a sort of generic invitation for masala tea.

00:02:56 Hurst
So I followed up Saturday, we went around there for masala tea.

00:03:01 Hurst
They made these amazing

00:03:03 Hurst
Indian snacks.

00:03:04 Hurst
I couldn't even tell you what they're called, but they were just fried vegetables, fried in mustard oil with all of the spices and stuff.

00:03:12 Hurst
And they were so ******* delicious that it made me ache a little bit.

00:03:15 Hurst
I just scoffed so many and said, can I take the rest home in the doggy pack?

00:03:20 Hurst
And they said yes.

00:03:21 Hurst
And then they made the masala tea to go with it.

00:03:23 Hurst
That was also delicious.

00:03:25 Hurst
So bang in time, thanks to Nabs at the back.

00:03:27 Hurst
So that's been going on.

00:03:29 Squirrell
I've lived in this house.

00:03:30 Squirrell
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:03:33 Squirrell
Keep going.

00:03:35 Hurst
So yeah, the big news is that I may not have gout, which is good and bad, because whilst not having gout is better than having gout, at least it explained why my elbows hurt so much, which they still do.

00:03:47 Hurst
But I had my second blood test, and that's where we realized that I was at relatively high risk for heart attack and stroke and stuff, so I thought, make some changes.

00:03:54 Hurst
And then when the doc called earlier, I was ready for that, and he said, But good news that your uric acid's right back down to within normal levels.

00:04:01 Hurst
I was like, Is it?

00:04:03 Hurst
because my elbows still really hurt.

00:04:05 Hurst
He went, yeah, no, it's in the normal levels.

00:04:07 Hurst
It's like, so maybe I don't have gout.

00:04:09 Hurst
And he's like, oh, maybe you should probably go and get them x-rayed.

00:04:12 Hurst
So I have my elbows x-rayed today and I guess watch this space for the beginning of season two.

00:04:19 Squirrell
All right.

00:04:19 Squirrell
What's working on Hurst coming next on Top Five Face-Off.

00:04:24 Squirrell
So yeah, I was going to say before we got your exciting gout news, I've lived here for, I think, 14 years now in this house.

00:04:33 Squirrell
Couldn't tell my neighbour's names.

00:04:35 Squirrell
Why would I want to know?

00:04:36 Squirrell
Oh me.

00:04:37 Squirrell
Sorry if you could hear me out the window.

00:04:39 Hurst
That's the first thing I do when I move in.

00:04:41 Hurst
First thing I do pop around meet the neighbours.

00:04:42 Hurst
Mostly because we've got loud dogs.

00:04:44 Hurst
I want them to think I'm nice or the dogs make them think I'm not.

00:04:48 Hurst
But also it's neighbourly, isn't it?

00:04:50 Hurst
It's useful to get to know the neighbours and find out where you're living and kind of a street it is.

00:04:54 Squirrell
Yes, yes indeed.

00:04:57 Squirrell
That's very good Hurst.

00:04:58 Squirrell
That's some good what's been going on.

00:05:00 Squirrell
What's been going on from my end rankers?

00:05:02 Squirrell
is something you all know about and that's the end of the podcast last week where I just **** the bed and there was just no podcast and I sat there at 1am going...

00:05:14 Squirrell
Huh.

00:05:14 Squirrell
Well, that's irritating because I'd done all the rest of it and I thought, oh, I've nearly finished.

00:05:18 Squirrell
I'm like, wow, we must wrap up real quick this week.

00:05:22 Squirrell
So yeah, forgot about that.

00:05:23 Squirrell
Sorry, Rankers.

00:05:24 Squirrell
That wasn't the ending we wanted to give you.

00:05:27 Squirrell
Rest assured, Hertz and I were ******* hilarious in that bit it didn't record.

00:05:30 Squirrell
Probably the funniest we've ever been, right, Hertz?

00:05:33 Hurst
Yeah, definitely.

00:05:34 Hurst
It was Spice Girls episode funny, like end to end.

00:05:38 Hurst
I'm still laughing, thinking about it.

00:05:40 Squirrell
Some of our best work ever.

00:05:42 Squirrell
We're very sorry about that, Rankers, but we can assure you, no we can't assure you, but we do hope it's not going to happen again this week.

00:05:50 Squirrell
Hurst, do you know what's been gripping my ****?

00:05:52 Hurst
What has been gripping your ****?

00:05:53 Squirrell
It's happened to me just today, Hurst.

00:05:55 Squirrell
I was in my car and I was listening to the radio and the radio show Going Home on Radio One is what was playing around evening time.

00:06:04 Squirrell
I guess it's for people who are going home from work.

00:06:06 Hurst
You're too old to listen to Radio One.

00:06:08 Squirrell
No, I'm not.

00:06:09 Squirrell
It's hosted by Victoria Hope and Jamie Lang.

00:06:13 Squirrell
Jamie Lang off of Made in Chelsea, you informed me, and I think you're quite correct.

00:06:17 Squirrell
Yes, they did a little segment, right?

00:06:19 Squirrell
And their little segment was called Draft Mode.

00:06:23 Squirrell
Now, stop me if any of this sounds familiar.

00:06:25 Squirrell
What they did is they spun a little wheel that had categories on it.

00:06:28 Squirrell
When it landed on a category, they had to say their top three of that category, and then their listeners texted in to vote on who was correct.

00:06:35 Squirrell
What?

00:06:35 Squirrell
Yep.

00:06:37 Hurst
That is...

00:06:38 Hurst
Just blatant, copyright, get the lawyers.

00:06:40 Squirrell
Plagiarism.

00:06:41 Squirrell
We'll release the top five face-off lawyers immediately.

00:06:44 Squirrell
Malcolms, if any of you know some good, cheap, preferably free lawyers who are looking to, what can we offer them through our mighty podcast, Reach First?

00:06:52 Hurst
I would say we could probably offer them a big fat L on their first case.

00:06:56 Squirrell
Yes, yes, we probably could.

00:06:58 Squirrell
Yes, so if you want to get used to losing lawyers, any lawyers listening, let us know.

00:07:03 Hurst
Experience.

00:07:04 Squirrell
Experience, exposure.

00:07:05 Squirrell
That's the word I was trying to think of.

00:07:07 Hurst
Get some exposure.

00:07:08 Squirrell
Let us know.

00:07:09 Squirrell
You've got until we come back on air to sort it out.

00:07:11 Hurst
Can't believe that Radio 1 is copying our thing.

00:07:14 Squirrell
Unbelievable.

00:07:15 Hurst
And that ******* Jamie Lang off of The Only Way is Chelsea, Made in Chelsea.

00:07:19 Squirrell
Or whatever it is.

00:07:20 Hurst
*** **** you.

00:07:22 Hurst
Haven't you taken enough from us?

00:07:24 Squirrell
I'm not sure he's taken anything from me before.

00:07:26 Squirrell
He has.

00:07:27 Hurst
He's taken life from humanity.

00:07:30 Hurst
That's now gripping my **** too.

00:07:33 Squirrell
Well, that'll save you time in the edit.

00:07:34 Hurst
You know what's been the verbing the profanity out of my noun?

00:07:37 Squirrell
No, go ahead.

00:07:38 Hurst
B&Q, ******** on their reputation.

00:07:41 Hurst
Actually, everyone who just delivers subpar crap these days.

00:07:45 Hurst
So I bought a shed from Amazon.

00:07:47 Hurst
It was cheap.

00:07:48 Hurst
It turned up.

00:07:49 Hurst
It was a pile of crap.

00:07:51 Hurst
After a bit of wrangling, eventually they gave me my money back and didn't even want the shed back, which is how **** it was.

00:07:58 Hurst
So I thought, I can't be dealing with this.

00:08:01 Hurst
I'll go to B&Q because that's

00:08:03 Hurst
reliable name.

00:08:04 Hurst
So I went and bought a shed from B&Q for about 600 quid.

00:08:07 Hurst
It wasn't a big shed, but it was wooden.

00:08:09 Hurst
And it's like fine, it's B&Q.

00:08:12 Hurst
So 11 days later, it showed up without doors.

00:08:16 Hurst
So I sat on hold for half an hour as they passed me around and basically said, oh, yeah, this is one of our partner companies fulfilled this.

00:08:25 Hurst
So we'll have to send an e-mail and ask them to try and sort it out.

00:08:29 Hurst
So you'll need to liaise with them.

00:08:30 Hurst
I was like, no, I bought it from the B&Q

00:08:34 Hurst
I will liaise with you.

00:08:35 Hurst
You deal with that ****.

00:08:37 Hurst
What you did after that is not my problem.

00:08:39 Squirrell
I don't have a contract with these people.

00:08:41 Squirrell
Sort it out.

00:08:42 Hurst
Yes.

00:08:42 Hurst
So they said they'd send me the doors in another 11 days when they're next in the area because that's convenient for them.

00:08:49 Hurst
I was pretty fuming at this point.

00:08:51 Hurst
And so I thought, right, I can still build the shed and just stick the doors on.

00:08:54 Hurst
And it turned out that the base was the wrong size, so the walls and all the walls front and back wouldn't quite

00:09:03 Hurst
quite clipped together properly.

00:09:04 Hurst
So at that point, I gave up and said, I just want my money back.

00:09:07 Hurst
Come and take this piece of crap away.

00:09:09 Hurst
And being here, never darken my door again.

00:09:12 Hurst
So we'll wait and see what happens on that.

00:09:14 Squirrell
Oh, sad times.

00:09:15 Squirrell
Tiger sheds first are quite good.

00:09:17 Squirrell
They are a trusted brand name if you want a shed.

00:09:20 Hurst
I don't need, I haven't got any tigers.

00:09:22 Squirrell
No.

00:09:23 Hurst
So not for keeping tigers in.

00:09:26 Squirrell
Well, I mean, you probably could.

00:09:27 Hurst
It's a pretty niche shed, but yeah, I'll look it up.

00:09:31 Hurst
Tiger sheds.

00:09:32 Hurst
All right, fine.

00:09:33 Squirrell
There you go.

00:09:34 Squirrell
It's not a sponsorship.

00:09:35 Squirrell
We were not being paid to say that.

00:09:36 Squirrell
That would have been some ******* impressive work if we were paid to say that, though.

00:09:40 Hurst
That would have been a great little segue to bring that around.

00:09:43 Hurst
Right, anyway, so yeah, that's what has been gripping my ****.

00:09:47 Squirrell
Lovely.

00:09:48 Hurst
Anything making you feel old this week?

00:09:50 Squirrell
Don't think so.

00:09:52 Squirrell
No.

00:09:52 Squirrell
Nope.

00:09:54 Squirrell
I continue to be young and sprightly.

00:09:57 Squirrell
Except for people telling me I'm not allowed to listen to Radio One.

00:10:00 Hurst
You're too old for Radio One, go to Radio Two.

00:10:02 Squirrell
Clearly not.

00:10:04 Hurst
How did you enjoy the experience of Radio One?

00:10:06 Squirrell
I don't like these ********* who are on during the day.

00:10:09 Squirrell
I like listening to it on Friday night for the dance party and then on Saturday night at midnight for the Drum and Bass Show.

00:10:15 Squirrell
So technically Sunday morning.

00:10:16 Hurst
Okay.

00:10:18 Hurst
So anyway, you were present for what had been making me feel old.

00:10:21 Hurst
So I'd been at my good friend Squirrel's house for a BBQ.

00:10:23 Hurst
And the following morning, I was sitting there.

00:10:27 Hurst
I realized I was texting my mum about what was on Gardener's World this week.

00:10:31 Squirrell
******* hell.

00:10:32 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:10:32 Squirrell
Didn't you tell us that?

00:10:33 Squirrell
I think I shouted at you live in person.

00:10:36 Hurst
You did.

00:10:36 Hurst
I thought Rankers probably ought to know that that's what's been going on in my life.

00:10:40 Hurst
I'm now at the point in my life where I text my mum about what's going on on Gardeners World.

00:10:44 Squirrell
It's not like Gardeners World was on TV at the time, Rankers.

00:10:47 Hurst
And you're friends with me, and you're the same age, except a little bit older.

00:10:50 Squirrell
Yeah, well, yeah.

00:10:52 Squirrell
I'm beginning to rethink that.

00:10:53 Squirrell
I reckon there's some sort of weird time dilation going on up north, and you're aging faster than I am, clearly.

00:10:59 Squirrell
By the time we come back with series two, you're going to be like.

00:11:02 Hurst
I think you're just trying to hold on to your youth by listening to drum and bass on Radio 1.

00:11:07 Squirrell
I like drum and bass.

00:11:08 Hurst
And pretending that you don't watch Gardener's Wild.

00:11:11 Hurst
Of course you do, mate.

00:11:13 Squirrell
Right, shall we find out what happened last week, Hurst?

00:11:15 Hurst
Yeah, let's do it.

00:11:16 Squirrell
Got quite a few comments, but they're not very long, so we should be able to go through them pretty quick this week, Hurst.

00:11:21 Hurst
Well played, Rankers.

00:11:21 Hurst
That's how we like it.

00:11:22 Squirrell
Yeah, thank you very much, Rankers.

00:11:24 Squirrell
So here we go, Hurst.

00:11:26 Squirrell
Let's start with one for me, because it was the first one to come in.

00:11:29 Squirrell
Hey, guess who it was from?

00:11:32 Hurst
Meg, how you doing?

00:11:33 Squirrell
Meg says, Ooh, close one this week.

00:11:35 Squirrell
I keep thinking, but what about X?

00:11:38 Squirrell
And then I immediately think of five things that are actually better.

00:11:40 Squirrell
I'm glad I don't have to rank these.

00:11:43 Squirrell
Good point, by the way, rankers.

00:11:44 Squirrell
Last week, we were talking about 80s comedies, and it was very difficult.

00:11:49 Squirrell
There are many, many to choose from.

00:11:50 Squirrell
Anyway, Meg continues.

00:11:52 Squirrell
Voting for Squirrel because I prefer the naked gun to airplane.

00:11:56 Squirrell
From Meg98, thanks Meg.

00:11:57 Hurst
Shut up, Meg.

00:11:57 Squirrell
You have upset Hurst again?

00:11:59 Squirrell
Nevermind.

00:12:00 Squirrell
Here we go.

00:12:01 Squirrell
Oh, remember last time out, Hurst, when we had somebody saying they were IA, I realized that must mean Iowa in America.

00:12:10 Squirrell
They have written back and they have said, Hello.

00:12:13 Squirrell
I am from Iowa, but feel free to call me Iowa from Iowa.

00:12:17 Squirrell
So that's what we'll do.

00:12:18 Squirrell
Thanks, Iowa.

00:12:19 Squirrell
They go on to say, The Naked Girl is like my favourite movie, so an easy vote this week.

00:12:24 Squirrell
So they voted for you, Hearst.

00:12:26 Squirrell
Oh, wait, wait, they did vote for you.

00:12:28 Squirrell
*** **** it.

00:12:30 Squirrell
I said the naked gun, Iowa.

00:12:31 Squirrell
Hearst said airplane.

00:12:33 Squirrell
*** ****.

00:12:35 Hurst
Too late, no backsees.

00:12:36 Squirrell
No backsees.

00:12:38 Squirrell
I noticed Hearst doesn't come up with you weren't listening properly when it's to his ranking benefit.

00:12:43 Hurst
I wasn't listening properly, but doesn't matter.

00:12:45 Hurst
No takesies backsees.

00:12:47 Squirrell
Well, there literally are no takesies backsees, you're quite right.

00:12:50 Squirrell
Here we go, the next one.

00:12:51 Squirrell
Both of yous have excellent lists.

00:12:53 Squirrell
And both even make questionable choices.

00:12:56 Squirrell
The Princess Bride is excellent, but not a comedy, come on.

00:12:59 Squirrell
Blackadder is also excellent, but breaking with the spirit of the list, surely.

00:13:03 Squirrell
Brackets, don't call me Shirley.

00:13:06 Squirrell
Squirrel pips it, I know we shouldn't vote based on the worst choice but, capital letters, Trading Places is a classic, Hearst.

00:13:12 Squirrell
And that's for Money Slinger.

00:13:14 Squirrell
Oh, Money Slinger's broken the rules.

00:13:15 Squirrell
Good job there's no take-backs, he say it.

00:13:17 Hurst
Oh, I can't believe Money Slinger, that is so racist.

00:13:22 Squirrell
Here we go.

00:13:23 Squirrell
Imagine being so right about coming to America, but so wrong about Trading Places.

00:13:27 Squirrell
Boo, but yay.

00:13:28 Squirrell
That's from Aynon.

00:13:29 Squirrell
But it is a vote for you, Hers.

00:13:30 Hurst
None of these people went back and watched Trading Places again.

00:13:34 Squirrell
You don't know that.

00:13:35 Squirrell
Well, none of us said they did or didn't yet.

00:13:37 Squirrell
Here's a quick one for me from Kovach.

00:13:40 Squirrell
Most excellent list.

00:13:41 Squirrell
Thanks, Kovach.

00:13:42 Squirrell
There we go.

00:13:43 Squirrell
Simple.

00:13:45 Squirrell
Here we go, Hurst.

00:13:45 Squirrell
Inconceivable.

00:13:47 Squirrell
Hurst gets the mod from me.

00:13:48 Squirrell
Nod, I think they mean.

00:13:50 Squirrell
We all forgot the two golden rules.

00:13:52 Squirrell
Never go into a land war in Asia and never pick a TV programme unexpectedly.

00:13:57 Squirrell
Love and kisses, Dav Pax.

00:13:59 Squirrell
So Dav Paz spelt his own name wrong there.

00:14:02 Squirrell
Good going, Dav Paz.

00:14:03 Squirrell
You also voted for the wrong person.

00:14:05 Hurst
Some fat finger in there.

00:14:06 Hurst
Love it.

00:14:07 Squirrell
Yes, indeed.

00:14:08 Squirrell
And last one just says, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

00:14:16 Squirrell
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

00:14:20 Squirrell
Which I believe is the German guns from Baldrick in Blackadder.

00:14:24 Squirrell
No name, that's literally all it says.

00:14:26 Squirrell
Just says boom a lot.

00:14:27 Squirrell
They voted for me.

00:14:28 Squirrell
Thank you very much, anonymous boomer.

00:14:30 Squirrell
So Hurst, what about them scores?

00:14:33 Hurst
Well, I'm going to say because people were voting based on the worst, foolishly, and someone's saying that Princess Bride's not comedy, idiot.

00:14:41 Hurst
I'm going to say you've won it narrowly.

00:14:43 Hurst
the three peat to end the season is narrow.

00:14:48 Squirrell
But am I the winner?

00:14:49 Squirrell
Let's find out.

00:14:50 Squirrell
Hurst, you got 19 votes.

00:14:53 Hurst
Oh, spicy.

00:14:56 Squirrell
I got 21 votes, Hurst.

00:14:58 Hurst
Oh, ****.

00:15:00 Hurst
Rigged.

00:15:01 Hurst
They're listening to it wrong.

00:15:02 Hurst
And other stuff that is so losing.

00:15:06 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:15:06 Squirrell
So there we go.

00:15:08 Squirrell
That is the official list of 80s comedies.

00:15:11 Squirrell
And they are to remind you all at number five, the Blues Rothers, then Ghostbusters, Blackadder, then the Naked Gun.

00:15:18 Squirrell
Finally at number one, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

00:15:22 Squirrell
It is official.

00:15:25 Squirrell
It is official jingle.

00:15:26 Hurst
We'll figure it out.

00:15:27 Squirrell
Oh, I can just pull the official

00:15:28 Squirrell
world ranking out of the theme tune.

00:15:30 Squirrell
There, I've done it, don't worry about it.

00:15:31 Squirrell
Right, I'll test it now.

00:15:38 Squirrell
Maybe it'll sound good, we'll find out.

00:15:40 Squirrell
Right, should we rank some things this week, Hearst?

00:15:43 Squirrell
Let's do it.

00:15:47 Squirrell
All right, I'm holding the Coin of Destiny, not decision, I wasn't gonna say that.

00:15:53 Squirrell
Coin of Destiny, heads for Hearst, squirrels have tails,

00:15:57 Squirrell
Are you ready, Hurst?

00:15:58 Hurst
Flip it.

00:16:00 Squirrell
Oh, **** it's gone right over here.

00:16:01 Squirrell
Okay, I'm getting close to my mic to see.

00:16:03 Squirrell
It's heads for Hurst, it is heads for Hurst.

00:16:06 Hurst
Right, for me, in at number five is Sharon Marsh off of South Park, voiced by April Stewart, Randy's wife, the calm in the storm of Randy Marsh's relentless chaos most of the time.

00:16:19 Hurst
So Sharon is the voice of reason in a town where reason is in very short supply.

00:16:24 Hurst
She's seen it all, spontaneous moustaches, fighting

00:16:27 Hurst
cancer mascots, Randy's many public meltdowns, time when he was bouncing around on his balls so he could smoke marijuana, buy integrity farts.

00:16:35 Hurst
I mean, everything Randy does is just extreme and hilarious.

00:16:40 Hurst
But Sharon just deals with it magnificently, like the proverbial swan, paddling like crazy, but looking serene at the top.

00:16:48 Hurst
She's not loud, she's not flashy, she's not prone to any sitcom theatrics, but when she finally snaps, you feel it in your bones.

00:16:56 Hurst
She does occasionally lose

00:16:57 Hurst
it with Randy, as she should.

00:16:59 Hurst
Randy, you're acting like a child, come up regularly, and why is it every time something happens, you're involved?

00:17:06 Hurst
It was a difficult list, there were many to put on, but I felt that Sharon just needed the nod in at number five.

00:17:11 Squirrell
There you are, yes, excellent choice.

00:17:13 Squirrell
I feel we should point out to the rankers why the hell we're talking about sitcom wives.

00:17:16 Squirrell
It's because sitcom wives are a weird thing.

00:17:19 Squirrell
The star of the show is nearly always the man.

00:17:22 Squirrell
They're nearly always some ugly stand-up dude married to some smoking hot, really

00:17:27 Squirrell
really patient and forgiving lady who puts up with all the crap they do and we would all like to be real life just like just like real life so here we are ranking the best ones and there we are Sharon excellent number five my number five Hearst is Sybil Folty from Folty Towers

00:17:45 Squirrell
Ooh, played by Prunella Scales back in '75, '76, '77, whenever it was.

00:17:51 Squirrell
She was less standing in the background.

00:17:54 Squirrell
She just basically stopped all of the **** with like four words most of the time.

00:17:59 Squirrell
You knew who owned that ******* hotel.

00:18:01 Squirrell
Basil may have managed it, but she was the ******* owner and she made sure he knew about it, right?

00:18:07 Squirrell
I won't talk about it for too long 'cause she's my number five, but I thought she was brilliant.

00:18:11 Squirrell
She took no ****.

00:18:12 Squirrell
You'll notice that will be a common theme throughout my list.

00:18:15 Squirrell
And she put the idiot man in his place.

00:18:18 Squirrell
And of course, she was a very attractive lady, even though John Cleese was actually married to the lady that played Polly, right?

00:18:24 Squirrell
Connie Booth, the much younger lady, was actually his wife in real life.

00:18:28 Squirrell
But they didn't think anyone would believe it on TV, which must have been really nice for the producers to say to Tom Cleese, right?

00:18:35 Squirrell
John Cleese.

00:18:36 Squirrell
What did I say?

00:18:37 Squirrell
Tom Cleese.

00:18:38 Squirrell
Tom Cleese.

00:18:39 Squirrell
Well, you see, originally the part of Basil Forty was going to be open to Tom Cruise, but he was busy probably not being alive.

00:18:49 Squirrell
No, he was alive, but he was probably like 10 years old.

00:18:52 Hurst
Yeah, I love Sybil Forty.

00:18:54 Hurst
She was definitely troubling my lift.

00:18:56 Squirrell
Troubling your lift?

00:18:57 Squirrell
Wasn't she pressing all the buttons?

00:19:04 Squirrell
week's regular feature Hurst is what's she doing now and well prunella scales is 91 so not a great deal but maybe more than you'd think she recently recorded a video for a production about Queen Victoria at the Edinburgh Fringe because she used to play Queen Victoria a lot when she was younger on a stage show she is having some trouble with dementia which is very sad but still making special appearances when she can so good old prunella scales keep it up number five Sybil faulty.

00:19:33 Hurst
Excellent, good choice.

00:19:35 Hurst
Decided to put it at my number four, a classic divisive one for, you know, keeping up to the standard I've set myself.

00:19:42 Hurst
So number four, I have Pam Beasley-Halpert from the US Office, played by Jenna Fisher.

00:19:48 Hurst
People who love The Office will almost certainly love the whole romance that happens with Pam and Jim.

00:19:54 Hurst
So she starts the series as the quiet receptionist with a secret crush, although she's engaged to some knob in the warehouse, but over the seasons, she becomes the beating heart of The Office.

00:20:04 Hurst
to the point where she makes up the job of office administrator herself and makes it official, which is genius.

00:20:08 Hurst
The master of knowing glances to the camera, her and Jim both do that very well.

00:20:12 Hurst
And the slow burn pranks that she does with Jim to their amusement of baiting Dwight.

00:20:18 Hurst
And she's also the gentle but firm no to Michael's everything that Michael does, basically.

00:20:24 Hurst
The whole relationship development with her and Jim is lovely.

00:20:27 Hurst
It's really beautifully crafted and like a hundred levels less annoying, the whole Ross and Rachel thing, I mean, you're legitimately rooting for them.

00:20:34 Hurst
rather than hoping they both get run over on the way home.

00:20:36 Hurst
That is genuinely a good romance, but it also allows for that amazing contrast of the true relationship in that show, which is the bromance/hatred between Jim and Dwight, allowing that to play Ludacrisly out throughout the series.

00:20:50 Hurst
And it all just ends so beautifully.

00:20:52 Hurst
I love the U.S.

00:20:53 Hurst
Office.

00:20:53 Hurst
And Jenna Fisher, who is a very beautiful woman, does an excellent job of being quite understated and cardigan-wearing.

00:21:01 Hurst
The actors, John Krasinski, Jenna Fisher, obviously very beautiful people.

00:21:03 Hurst
people, but they managed to play kind of ordinary people really nicely in the office to the fact that you don't sit there and go, Wow, they're hot the whole way through, which allows you to focus on it.

00:21:13 Hurst
Yeah, it's nice that neither of them is that, as you described, ugly old man dating a woman way out of her league, although I'm sure we will come back to more of that.

00:21:23 Hurst
So for me, number four, Pam Beasley-Halper from the US office.

00:21:26 Squirrell
There we are, going after that Iowa vote this week, huh?

00:21:32 Hurst
If you like the office, I'm well in.

00:21:34 Squirrell
Although be careful, Hers, because of course, they liked the naked gun, but they voted for you by accident, so maybe because they like the office, Iowa, check who you're voting for.

00:21:43 Hurst
Yes, check that you're voting for the right person if you like the office.

00:21:47 Squirrell
Good point.

00:21:48 Squirrell
Well, Hurst, you may think I've been a bit cheaty with my number four, because I've chosen two people.

00:21:53 Squirrell
And you'll see why in just a second, because I've picked Vivienne Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

00:21:59 Squirrell
Famously, of course, played by two people, Janet Hubert for the first three seasons, and then Daphne Maxwell-Reid for the remaining three seasons of the show.

00:22:08 Squirrell
Aunt Viv, right?

00:22:09 Squirrell
Everyone, our age, they'd come home from school, I believe it was a Monday night on BBC Two, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

00:22:16 Squirrell
Aunt Viv, put up with Uncle Phil, put up with Will more than anything, put up with **** annoying Carlton, who honestly just needed to be banged against the wall four or five times.

00:22:26 Squirrell
But she was just so incredibly graceful, especially First Aunt Viv, who is my favorite Aunt Viv.

00:22:32 Squirrell
First Aunt Viv was an incredibly graceful woman, obviously very attractive lady, incredibly maternal whilst wearing finery and jewelry and just looking fantastic, but you're always well aware that she was the family

00:22:46 Squirrell
mum.

00:22:47 Squirrell
And she was smart.

00:22:48 Squirrell
She was ******* smart.

00:22:49 Squirrell
She went and kind of taught at schools sometime, or at the college once, about American black history.

00:22:56 Squirrell
And it was a fantastic episode, that one.

00:22:58 Squirrell
And she can kind of give you a lecture or suddenly just burst into a flawless dance routine and do the splits.

00:23:04 Squirrell
What is happening in this show?

00:23:06 Squirrell
Both portrayals of Aunt Viv were very good.

00:23:08 Squirrell
Obviously, the recasting moment was very famous in all the papers, especially in America.

00:23:14 Squirrell
There were issues that Will Smith

00:23:16 Squirrell
with Janet Hubert, the first Aunt Viv, even though I believe they have meet up now and they are quite good friends.

00:23:23 Squirrell
So that is good, I guess.

00:23:25 Squirrell
What are they doing now?

00:23:26 Squirrell
Well, Janet Hubert, the first Aunt Viv, is in General Hospital and doing convention appearances and stuff like that.

00:23:33 Squirrell
And Daphne Maxwell Reed is now a photographer, author, designer, and conference speaker.

00:23:40 Squirrell
There you go.

00:23:40 Squirrell
She's got a cookbook out as well if you fancy seeing what Aunt Viv number two would have for dinner.

00:23:46 Squirrell
Number four, Vivienne Banks.

00:23:49 Squirrell
Fair play.

00:23:50 Hurst
My number three, we want to talk about the ultimate original, well, maybe not original, but certainly the ultimate long-suffering sitcom wife is beautiful and elegant and runs the house whilst stupid, knob, fat, annoying husband gets up to ridiculous antics.

00:24:09 Hurst
I know I've literally just described about a hundred different sitcoms.

00:24:12 Squirrell
Yeah, you have, but I reckon I know which one you've chosen.

00:24:15 Hurst
Marge Simpson from The Simpsons, voiced by Julie Kavner, equal parts.

00:24:20 Hurst
moral compass, crisis manager, and just the blue-haired bastion of patience.

00:24:24 Hurst
Forgives Homer for everything, including nuclear meltdowns, all his crazy schemes, the monorail investments, his inexplicable friendships with Mr.

00:24:35 Hurst
Burn, and she still raises three kids, plus the hair, man.

00:24:39 Hurst
Just brilliant.

00:24:40 Hurst
I'm not gonna go on people know, Marge.

00:24:42 Hurst
There are too many episodes to start looking at quotes for.

00:24:46 Hurst
It's like she had to be in there 'cause she is just such

00:24:50 Hurst
An outstanding wife.

00:24:51 Hurst
Yay, Marge.

00:24:52 Squirrell
Yeah, yeah.

00:24:54 Squirrell
It's hard to argue with that.

00:24:55 Squirrell
I knew you were going to say kind of immediately as you started talking about how absolutely worthless the husband was.

00:25:00 Squirrell
I think that is perhaps the epitome of useless husband to very efficient wife.

00:25:05 Squirrell
Squirrel here.

00:25:06 Squirrell
Did I just say epitome instead of epitome?

00:25:09 Squirrell
The ****?

00:25:11 Squirrell
But maybe not.

00:25:12 Squirrell
The list shall continue, because she was only at your number three, of course.

00:25:16 Squirrell
Indeed.

00:25:16 Squirrell
My number three.

00:25:17 Squirrell
I was about to say my number three is going back a bit further, but of course it isn't, because The Simpsons have been on telly for literally ever.

00:25:23 Squirrell
So my number three is not going back a bit further at all.

00:25:26 Squirrell
My number three is actually from 2001 to 2010.

00:25:29 Squirrell
That is Jordan Sullivan from Scrubs.

00:25:32 Squirrell
She was Dr.

00:25:33 Squirrell
Cox's wife.

00:25:34 Squirrell
Dr.

00:25:34 Squirrell
Cox's ex-wife, even though they were living together.

00:25:37 Squirrell
Weird.

00:25:37 Squirrell
They were incredible.

00:25:38 Squirrell
And she was incredible.

00:25:40 Squirrell
She was played by Christina

00:25:41 Squirrell
similar, she was another person who took absolutely zero **** whatsoever.

00:25:46 Squirrell
From this time, a very, very competent and brutally honest slash sarcastic doctor in Dr.

00:25:52 Squirrell
Cox, one of the best characters ever, ever, ever.

00:25:55 Squirrell
Jordan is his wife, and she's more him than he is in a lot of ways.

00:25:59 Squirrell
And you're like, Yas, this is what I want to see.

00:26:01 Squirrell
You know, savage one-liners, constant put her down, but then just sometimes underneath everything, like genuine affection for her family and friends.

00:26:11 Squirrell
Exceptionally funny and exceptionally hot.

00:26:14 Squirrell
Goodness me.

00:26:15 Squirrell
She was actually married to the person who created Scrubs, a guy called Bill Lawrence, and he wrote the role specifically for her because it's his bloody show, and if he wants to put his wife in it looking smoking hot.

00:26:25 Hurst
Because he could.

00:26:26 Squirrell
He's going to, correct.

00:26:28 Squirrell
What's she doing now?

00:26:29 Squirrell
She's in a TV show called Shrinking on Apple TV+.

00:26:32 Squirrell
All right, maybe I'll watch it.

00:26:34 Hurst
So was she a wife at any point in the show?

00:26:38 Squirrell
Yes, so they were divorced at the beginning of the show.

00:26:41 Squirrell
And then they realized that actually they weren't divorced because something was wrong with the divorce, so they're actually still married.

00:26:47 Squirrell
But that didn't work out for them at all, so they got divorced again and then they were all happy again.

00:26:51 Squirrell
But they lived together and did the sex and stuff like that.

00:26:53 Hurst
Okay, just checking.

00:26:55 Hurst
It should be accurate for our list.

00:26:56 Hurst
It's important.

00:26:57 Hurst
These are the official world rank.

00:26:58 Squirrell
This is true.

00:26:59 Squirrell
Oh no, she was absolutely his wife.

00:27:01 Hurst
Cool.

00:27:01 Hurst
Okay.

00:27:02 Hurst
So for my number two, I have gone for what I believe is the absolute pinnacle of hot wifery.

00:27:08 Hurst
To be probably one of the most beautiful women in the whole world.

00:27:11 Hurst
Sofia Vergara playing Gloria Pritchett in Modern Family.

00:27:15 Hurst
She is the ultimate trophy wife.

00:27:20 Hurst
Jay is an old rich businessman and he has managed to woo this Colombian firecracker.

00:27:26 Hurst
She is basically just a firework in high heels.

00:27:30 Hurst
She's part dating wife, part hand grenade.

00:27:33 Hurst
So if you stare at her directly, you will burn your retina.

00:27:35 Hurst
But also at the same time, the absolute antithesis of the wilting violet trophy wife.

00:27:40 Hurst
She's not that kind of

00:27:41 Hurst
doting, Oh, yes, no, I need to go shopping.

00:27:43 Hurst
She is basically in charge of that whole family and takes no nonsense.

00:27:47 Hurst
She's absolutely hilarious.

00:27:49 Hurst
She's outrageously a ballsy, aggressive even, but funnels the same energy into loving the family.

00:27:55 Hurst
In one Halloween incident, she's chasing teenagers down the street screaming, You put egg on my house! I kill what you love! So, so brutal.

00:28:06 Hurst
She's just got brilliant quotes.

00:28:08 Hurst
And because Spanish is her first language, the

00:28:11 Hurst
use it.

00:28:11 Hurst
At one point she says, I'm really smart in Spanish, these sayings.

00:28:16 Hurst
So she says, It's a doggy dog world, for a doggy dog world, which is brilliant.

00:28:21 Hurst
Another great quote from Gloria.

00:28:23 Hurst
In my country, it's considered very, very bad luck when your house burns down.

00:28:28 Hurst
She also had others like, In my country, there is a saying that means love is just around the corner.

00:28:33 Hurst
I come from a neighborhood with a lot of prostitutes.

00:28:36 Hurst
So she's come from this really rough background and she's hard as nails, but she is also

00:28:41 Hurst
Jess, she's just a brilliant character.

00:28:43 Hurst
She could easily be offensive and just in there as pure eye candy, but she's not.

00:28:48 Hurst
She's probably the funniest character in the whole show, and it is a brilliant show.

00:28:53 Hurst
I love Modern Family, so she was easy in on the list.

00:28:56 Hurst
It's just between her and one other to get the number one.

00:28:59 Squirrell
She just missed out, but love Gloria, love Sofia Vega.

00:29:02 Squirrell
No, excellent choice.

00:29:04 Squirrell
I would say I had nothing to add, but at my number two, I have Gloria Pritchett from Modern Family.

00:29:13 Squirrell
Finishing series one with the horns.

00:29:17 Squirrell
Excellent.

00:29:17 Squirrell
No, you're not wrong in anything you say.

00:29:20 Squirrell
The one thing I will add is to me, my favorite part of her and Jay's marriage.

00:29:25 Squirrell
So like you said, and this is important to understand, she is

00:29:28 Squirrell
absolute smoke show, and he is old and rich.

00:29:31 Squirrell
But many, many times throughout the theories, you'll see that that never mattered to her.

00:29:37 Squirrell
She married Jay because she loved him.

00:29:39 Squirrell
It's that simple.

00:29:40 Squirrell
She didn't marry him for his money.

00:29:41 Squirrell
She didn't marry him to get out of Colombia.

00:29:43 Squirrell
She married him because she loved him.

00:29:44 Squirrell
And he married her despite what she looked like.

00:29:48 Squirrell
No, not despite what she looked like.

00:29:49 Squirrell
You know what I'm trying to say?

00:29:51 Squirrell
He married her without caring so much about what she looked like.

00:29:54 Squirrell
Let's all face it, what a bonus that must be.

00:29:57 Squirrell
But they talk about how they

00:29:58 Squirrell
met and they were facing away from each other at the time and he decided I'm going to ask this woman out before he'd even seen it just by listening to her talk uh brilliant no love her she was great obviously gorgeous what's she doing now she's a judge on America's Got Talent and she guest judges guest judges Project Runway which I think is a fashion show in the states

00:30:20 Squirrell
And she is on a Netflix show called Griselda.

00:30:23 Squirrell
There you go.

00:30:24 Hurst
I thought Project Runway was a reality show where they train air traffic controllers, wasn't it?

00:30:29 Squirrell
Oh, maybe it is.

00:30:30 Squirrell
Maybe she's really good at that too.

00:30:32 Squirrell
That would make sense.

00:30:33 Squirrell
She is the highest paid actress on American television.

00:30:36 Squirrell
So, you know, probably knows how to fly a play apparently.

00:30:39 Hurst
So it's a great choice.

00:30:40 Hurst
Great choice.

00:30:41 Squirrell
Great.

00:30:41 Squirrell
And you too, my friend.

00:30:42 Hurst
So now we are going to go and dip our toe in the world of the worst.

00:30:51 Squirrell
This was tricky, I thought, Hurst.

00:30:53 Squirrell
It felt a bit mean, because these women are already putting up with so much crap.

00:30:57 Squirrell
Now they've got to put up with crap from two balding white men from the internet.

00:31:02 Hurst
I'm comfortable with my decision.

00:31:04 Squirrell
I'm pretty comfortable with mine.

00:31:06 Squirrell
Once I realized, I was like, Oh yes, no, this is fine.

00:31:09 Hurst
Yeah, and I wonder if it's the same one, because this sitcom wife was not the bastion of calm.

00:31:16 Hurst
She was the high maintenance,

00:31:18 Hurst
awfulness that was Maris Crane, a wife so infamously awful that she never even appears on screen.

00:31:26 Hurst
Every description paints her as a skeletal, high maintenance, frostbitten socialite with a diet that makes celery look decadent.

00:31:33 Hurst
Maris isn't just bad, she is the idea of bad distilled into a walking ice sculpture that somehow manages to haunt every room that she's never in.

00:31:43 Hurst
Quotes about Maris, because obviously she's not in the show ever, so she doesn't have any of her own.

00:31:48 Hurst
Maris

00:31:48 Hurst
Maris only eats food that's been fanned by peacock feather.

00:31:52 Hurst
She's like the wind, cold and liable to knock something over.

00:31:56 Hurst
Maris won't come, she's allergic to laughter.

00:32:01 Hurst
Maris just makes Niles's life an absolute misery for the whole time that they're together and is a deserving because I'm not offending anyone either because she's never in the show she's just a concept but she is the worst.

00:32:14 Squirrell
Yes, excellent choice.

00:32:15 Squirrell
I'm quite pleased people don't vote based on the worst because that's better than mine because I forgot about Maris.

00:32:21 Squirrell
The show Hurst is talking about is called Frasier, which he neglected to mention, but I'm sure you all knew that.

00:32:26 Squirrell
Yes, quite.

00:32:27 Squirrell
Excellent, excellent.

00:32:28 Hurst
Maris Crane.

00:32:29 Hurst
from the show Frasier.

00:32:32 Squirrell
Good one.

00:32:32 Squirrell
My worst was just a hateful ball of hate, which was Roseanne Connor from Roseanne.

00:32:39 Squirrell
Not your typical sitcom wife because she was, of course, the star of the show, but still technically a sitcom wife.

00:32:45 Squirrell
So I'm having it.

00:32:46 Squirrell
She's played by Roseanne Barr, who for all intents and purposes is a racist .

00:32:50 Squirrell
I'll put my beeper in there.

00:32:51 Squirrell
And a right wing lunatic and she can **** *** and do one.

00:32:56 Squirrell
There you go.

00:32:56 Squirrell
Roseanne Barr, hateful.

00:32:58 Squirrell
I mean, Roseanne Connor,

00:32:59 Squirrell
Oh, so painful.

00:33:00 Hurst
Fair play.

00:33:01 Squirrell
All right.

00:33:02 Squirrell
Well then, go on, Hearst.

00:33:03 Squirrell
It is time for your numero uno, as Gloria would no doubt say in a much better accent.

00:33:12 Hurst
For me, my number one is

00:33:18 Hurst
Pam Shipman from Gavin and Stacey, played by Alison Steadman.

00:33:22 Hurst
Now, I know you haven't watched Gavin and Stacey because of your disdain for James Corden.

00:33:27 Squirrell
Correct.

00:33:27 Hurst
But it is brilliant in spite of him.

00:33:31 Hurst
And the character he plays is, you can see James Corden in it, but it's just the whole thing is brilliant.

00:33:36 Hurst
But Pam is the mother of Gavin under the title characters, and she is the quintessential Essex wife.

00:33:44 Hurst
She's the glamorous housewife, party ready, more than happy to entertain

00:33:48 Hurst
at the drop of a hat and hands down the funniest character in a brilliantly witty and relatable comedy.

00:33:54 Hurst
She has incredible chemistry with onscreen husband, Larry Lamb, or Mick, who's played by Larry Lamb.

00:34:01 Hurst
It's so authentic.

00:34:02 Hurst
And with him as her foil, she's the dramatic one and he's the steady one, but they just, they work.

00:34:09 Hurst
It doesn't look like, oh, that's just set out for laughs.

00:34:11 Hurst
That's the kind of relationship where you definitely know they absolutely love each other and his patience is probably the main

00:34:18 Hurst
reason why it lasts.

00:34:19 Hurst
She steals the show every time she's on screen, but somehow, in spite of it, she does it without detracting from or stealing focus from the rest of the cast.

00:34:27 Hurst
The funny thing is, Alison Steadman, when you listen to her being interviewed, has a very posh accent.

00:34:34 Hurst
Gavin and Stacey, she plays full-on Essex housewife, and she does it perfectly.

00:34:39 Hurst
In fact, when you hear her interview talking about Gavin and Stacey, it messes your brain up a little bit.

00:34:43 Hurst
It's little things like, so most of Pam's friends have got nicknames that are mentioned throughout the show, so she's got Big Fat Sue, Japanese Margaret, Fat No More Pat, and No Man Jan.

00:34:53 Hurst
But it just feels like, yeah, that's exactly the kind of friends she would have, but her real genius is her ability to be confidently stupid, but also be able to laugh at herself, so she, a bit like Gloria's

00:35:04 Hurst
to the malapropisms.

00:35:05 Hurst
So she says things like Barry's Island instead of Barry Island.

00:35:09 Hurst
She says, Well, Mick, ours is not to question while.

00:35:12 Hurst
Is question why, Pam?

00:35:14 Hurst
It's like, Is it?

00:35:15 Hurst
So she gets all those wrong.

00:35:16 Hurst
Her theatrical, like her war cry is like, Oh my Christ, old you and me are gonna fall out today, Mick.

00:35:23 Hurst
She's like, It's not living in Hollyoaks.

00:35:26 Hurst
Things like the occasional long term, like the on running joke of the show.

00:35:29 Hurst
She pretends to be a vegetarian because she realizes that she hasn't

00:35:34 Hurst
catered for vegetarians and panics just in case someone's a vegetarian and then pretends for another show to be a vegetarian.

00:35:40 Hurst
And that's where I'm gonna switch you to some of her YouTube best bits.

00:35:44 Hurst
So we're gonna try for the sake of the show to make this work.

00:35:48 Hurst
So this bit is from when she's getting busted as a vegetarian.

00:35:52 Hurst
All right.

00:35:53 Harriet
Hanging by a very thin thread, young man.

00:35:56 Harriet
Pam, are you really a vegetarian?

00:36:02 Harriet
Yes!

00:36:03 Harriet
Because I've seen you, Pam.

00:36:04 Harriet
What do you mean?

00:36:05 Harriet
A Scotch egg here, bit of bacon there, putting those regular sausages in the Linda McCartney box.

00:36:10 Harriet
I didn't want to say nothing.

00:36:11 Harriet
Do you think he'll have me, my child?

00:36:13 Harriet
No, of course not.

00:36:15 Harriet
It's just, I get these cravings, you know?

00:36:18 Harriet
I had four cheeseburgers the other day with Big Fat Sue.

00:36:21 Harriet
We ate them in a car wash.

00:36:23 Harriet
Don't beat yourself up, Pam.

00:36:24 Harriet
Promise me, thou shalt speak of this to no-one.

00:36:27 Harriet
What you on about?

00:36:28 Harriet
Swear it.

00:36:29 Harriet
I certainly not.

00:36:31 Hurst
But these are all the others.

00:36:32 Harriet
What are you smiling at?

00:36:35 Harriet
It's all the drama, Mick.

00:36:36 Harriet
I just love it.

00:36:38 Harriet
Oh, come here, you two.

00:36:39 Harriet
I've missed you.

00:36:41 Harriet
Mum, are you drunk?

00:36:42 Harriet
No, not drunk drunk, but I have had some wines.

00:36:45 Harriet
Why don't I just ring him and find out?

00:36:46 Harriet
And how stupid do you think that's going to make me look, Gavin?

00:36:50 Harriet
When those poor vegetarians realised I wasn't thinking about them when I was penning my menu.

00:36:54 Harriet
All I was thinking about was slaughtering animals and wrapping them in pastry, because that's what they'll think.

00:36:59 Harriet
Mum.

00:36:59 Harriet
Mick, what are you still doing here?

00:37:01 Harriet
Oh, shit's a brick! Yes! Yes!

00:37:04 Harriet
Yes, right, Mick.

00:37:06 Harriet
We need hot water flannels.

00:37:09 Harriet
Calm down, we're in the hospital.

00:37:10 Harriet
I'm not being funny, Stacey, but you want to get a life.

00:37:12 Harriet
What you said just now was really boring.

00:37:15 Harriet
So you really want me to move those...

00:37:17 Hurst
So there you go, just getting a little, a little paste of the...

00:37:21 Hurst
joy that is Pam.

00:37:22 Hurst
I don't know how to stop sharing now.

00:37:25 Hurst
Stop sharing.

00:37:26 Squirrell
There you go.

00:37:27 Squirrell
That was easy.

00:37:28 Hurst
So that was just an onslaught of Pam, but she's like that the whole way through, just hilarious and not in a trying to be funny way, just a brilliant character, excellently brought to life.

00:37:40 Hurst
All the best quotes were in there.

00:37:42 Hurst
No, drunk, drunk.

00:37:44 Hurst
I have had some wines.

00:37:46 Hurst
Yeah, she's fab.

00:37:47 Hurst
There's so much to love there.

00:37:49 Hurst
And in spite of your hatred of James Gordon, I highly recommend you watch Gavin and Stacey because it's genius.

00:37:55 Squirrell
Well, I've got time to watch TV.

00:37:57 Squirrell
I don't know.

00:37:57 Squirrell
Give me a fact, an estimated fact, that I've got time for.

00:38:01 Hurst
Okay, I can do that for you.

00:38:02 Hurst
Ooh.

00:38:04 Hurst
As you have just seen,

00:38:06 Hurst
Pam pretends to be a vegetarian.

00:38:08 Hurst
And actually, for the eagle-eyed, Pam keeps a vegetarian cookbook in the kitchen purely as a decoy, which can be seen in the bookshelf by the fruit bowl.

00:38:17 Hurst
Fact, Alison Steadman is one of only a handful of actors who appears in both the very first and very last scenes in Gavin and Stacey.

00:38:26 Squirrell
She's the lady that plays Pam, right?

00:38:28 Squirrell
Pat, Pam, Pam, Phil.

00:38:30 Squirrell
What was that lady's name?

00:38:32 Hurst
Pam, yeah.

00:38:33 Hurst
Pamela.

00:38:34 Squirrell
I'm gonna go with the latter.

00:38:36 Squirrell
I think she was in the first scene, and I think she was in the last scene.

00:38:39 Hurst
The fact is, Alison Steadman is one of a handful of actors who appear in the first and last scenes in Gavin and Steady.

00:38:46 Hurst
Yeah, Bleed.

00:38:48 Squirrell
Finishing it off with a win.

00:38:53 Squirrell
I don't know, I don't keep up with this ****.

00:38:56 Squirrell
I barely know what we did last week.

00:39:00 Hurst
I win so much, I don't even notice anymore.

00:39:05 Squirrell
It just comes so naturally to me now.

00:39:07 Squirrell
No, I do know.

00:39:08 Squirrell
I'm so bored of winning.

00:39:11 Squirrell
I think I got it right last week.

00:39:14 Hurst
So who's your number one there, mate?

00:39:15 Squirrell
My number one, even though we did just talk about Gloria Pritchett, I think my number one is even further removed and out of her man's league than that.

00:39:27 Squirrell
And that is saying something because I don't care who you are, Gloria Pritchett is out of your league.

00:39:32 Hurst
Yes, quite.

00:39:33 Squirrell
However,

00:39:34 Squirrell
My number one is Lois Griffin from Family Guy.

00:39:39 Hurst
Fair enough, I'll tell you that.

00:39:41 Squirrell
Lois is basically very similar to Marge in the sense that the Family Guy show is very similar to The Simpsons.

00:39:48 Squirrell
She is voiced by Alex Borstein in a show that has run now for 26 years, Hurst.

00:39:54 Squirrell
Family Guy has been around for a while, very much keeps the Griffin household together, like many of the ladies on our sitcom wives list.

00:40:03 Squirrell
But

00:40:04 Squirrell
The difference between Lois and the others, why she's my number one, is because she's really smart.

00:40:10 Squirrell
She doesn't take any ****.

00:40:11 Squirrell
We've noticed that my list has a lot of that.

00:40:14 Squirrell
And absolute sexhound.

00:40:16 Hurst
Yeah, she's dead.

00:40:20 Hurst
She loves it.

00:40:25 Squirrell
That's basically it.

00:40:27 Squirrell
Just filth.

00:40:27 Squirrell
And that has got her the number one spot.

00:40:30 Squirrell
Being ridiculously in-universe hot, even though she looks the same as her daughter, who is in-universe ugly.

00:40:35 Squirrell
Who knows what that about?

00:40:36 Squirrell
Probably the red hair.

00:40:38 Squirrell
Red hair beats everything.

00:40:39 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:40:40 Squirrell
Dirty old Lois Griffin.

00:40:42 Squirrell
Number one.

00:40:44 Squirrell
Come at me, haters.

00:40:45 Squirrell
It's the end of the series.

00:40:47 Squirrell
What you do, cancel me?

00:40:49 Hurst
I also love the fact that she's obviously a sex hand, and with Quagmire being an actual sex person, sex addict, and wanting Lois so badly all the way through it, it's just everyone fancies Lois and Peter doesn't even notice 'cause he's too busy being self-indulgent.

00:41:03 Squirrell
Absolute moron.

00:41:05 Hurst
Yeah, no, that's fair enough.

00:41:07 Squirrell
She'd like a FF, which is what I'm calling Fact and Estimated Fact this week.

00:41:12 Hurst
Yeah, FF me.

00:41:13 Squirrell
FF, FF, FF.

00:41:15 Squirrell
You gotta have FF, bam, bam.

00:41:17 Hurst
I was just getting rid of the, ah, just go FF.

00:41:20 Hurst
FF me, dude.

00:41:21 Squirrell
All right, here we go.

00:41:23 Squirrell
Fact, Lois was originally gonna have yellow hair in the exact same shade as The Simpsons skin in a come-at-ass nod to Matt Groening.

00:41:32 Squirrell
For fact, Lois started out speaking very slowly and gradually becomes faster and faster and faster because Seth MacFarlane kept giving her more to say because he liked it and Alex Borstein had to speed up so she could fit it into the episode.

00:41:45 Hurst
I think it's the second one because I remember hearing, when you go back and listen to some of the early ones, everyone seems a bit slower.

00:41:52 Hurst
In fact, I even watched, it was an interview, I think it was one of the Graham Nortons with Seth MacFarlane or something, and he was on it with Seth Rogen, Seth, what's his name?

00:42:04 Hurst
Seth Green, who does Chris's voice.

00:42:06 Hurst
And he was saying about all of the characters, their voices kind of went up and up and up over it.

00:42:11 Hurst
And I think they got faster as well.

00:42:13 Hurst
I'm going to go with the second one.

00:42:15 Squirrell
You're entirely correct.

00:42:17 Squirrell
The voice started very slow, but gradually it becomes faster and faster in later episodes so they can say more stuff.

00:42:22 Squirrell
Congratulations, we both win at the final fact, an estimated fact of season one.

00:42:27 Hurst
What a way to go out.

00:42:29 Squirrell
Yes.

00:42:30 Squirrell
Well, and also an excellent way to go out is me forgetting to say what she's doing now after doing that of all the others.

00:42:36 Squirrell
So what she's doing now is she's just finished playing...

00:42:41 Squirrell
I haven't got the name of the character.

00:42:42 Squirrell
She just finished being in The Marvellous Mrs.

00:42:44 Squirrell
Maisel, which I think wrapped a year or so ago, and she obviously still works on Family Go, because she's still going.

00:42:52 Squirrell
She's a stand-up comic, and her thirsty tour is currently in Barcelona.

00:42:56 Squirrell
Hmm.

00:43:02 Squirrell
So to your rankers, there are our lists.

00:43:05 Squirrell
I hope you enjoyed them.

00:43:07 Squirrell
You do still get to vote.

00:43:08 Squirrell
You can vote for the next week after you hear this.

00:43:11 Squirrell
topfivefaceoff.co.uk.

00:43:13 Squirrell
We're not going to spin the wheel this week.

00:43:15 Squirrell
We're going to spin the wheel slightly before we come back from our end of season break.

00:43:20 Squirrell
We haven't actually discussed where that might be yet.

00:43:23 Squirrell
Hurst is definitely jetting off to America.

00:43:25 Squirrell
We know that for sure.

00:43:26 Squirrell
So it will be sometime after that.

00:43:28 Squirrell
And when is that when you get back, Hurst.

00:43:30 Hurst
First of October.

00:43:32 Squirrell
All right, so safe to say sometime in October we will be back, Hurst.

00:43:37 Hurst
Yeah.

00:43:38 Squirrell
Yeah, not sure there's much else left to say, Rankers.

00:43:41 Hurst
Yeah, by all means, send us any of your ideas for new bits.

00:43:45 Hurst
We're gonna revamp the show a little bit for season two.

00:43:48 Hurst
So if you've got any ideas, send them to us and we'll take them as our own.

00:43:52 Squirrell
Send us your feedback and criticism as well, Rankers.

00:43:55 Squirrell
This show is obviously for you.

00:43:57 Squirrell
So if we do something you don't like, or if we don't do enough of something you do like, let us know so we can go, Oh, people like that bit?

00:44:05 Squirrell
Okay.

00:44:08 Hurst
Yeah.

00:44:09 Hurst
So we've got to keep talking about the weather.

00:44:11 Hurst
*******.

00:44:12 Squirrell
*******.

00:44:13 Squirrell
You can send us any feedback, hello, at topfivefaceoff.co.uk by e-mail.

00:44:18 Squirrell
You can come visit us on Facebook.

00:44:20 Squirrell
We are Top Five Face Off.

00:44:21 Squirrell
We have a blue sky account, which I occasionally check.

00:44:23 Squirrell
And that's Top Five Face Off as well.

00:44:25 Squirrell
Don't forget to vote if you listen to this in time.

00:44:28 Squirrell
topfivefaceoff.co.uk.

00:44:30 Squirrell
And thank you very much for listening to all of this toss, 20 episodes first.

00:44:36 Hurst
Yeah, I'll just do a quick shout out to our official supporter hub, quickly.

00:44:40 Squirrell
Yes, indeed, that is Kovach and Dav Pax, as he calls himself.

00:44:44 Squirrell
Ooh, important note, Patreons, while we are off the air, I will be pausing your subscriptions so you won't have to pay us while we're not actually producing any content, because we don't think that's right.

00:44:55 Squirrell
No one else does that, just us.

00:44:57 Hurst
Yeah.

00:44:57 Hurst
Are we going to go under?

00:44:58 Squirrell
Well, no, because we won't be paying for anything either.

00:45:01 Squirrell
It's actually going to save us money.

00:45:08 Hurst
Are we going to give away another official supporter hub thing for someone who shared us on their site, or did that not happen?

00:45:15 Squirrell
We were doing that.

00:45:16 Squirrell
We'll give them across the season break.

00:45:19 Squirrell
You've got plenty of time to get new rankers to listen to our past episodes.

00:45:24 Squirrell
Oh yeah, I want me some of that hot Rankin action.

00:45:27 Squirrell
I like it.

00:45:28 Squirrell
I've always heard.

00:45:29 Squirrell
I think we are all done.

00:45:31 Hurst
I'm in.

00:45:32 Hurst
Happy and sad times.

00:45:33 Hurst
It's the end of season wrap party, which means it's quarter past nine and I'm going to bed.

00:45:37 Squirrell
It's quarter past nine, I'm gonna go cook myself some dinner.

00:45:42 Squirrell
Thank you so much for listening, Rankers.

00:45:43 Squirrell
Thank you to everybody that listened, voted, commented, emailed us, told us we were ****.

00:45:49 Squirrell
We appreciate you all.

00:45:51 Hurst
Yeah, it's been a blast.

00:45:53 Hurst
Thanks for tuning in, Rankers.

00:45:54 Hurst
We love you.

00:45:54 Squirrell
And remember, vote squirrel.

00:45:57 Squirrell
Please rewind this podcast for the next person to come along, and we will see you in the future.

00:46:02 Squirrell
Keep an eye on our socials.

00:46:04 Squirrell
We'll let you know when.

00:46:05 Hurst
You don't need to remind them to vote squirrel.

00:46:07 Harriet
You know that though.

00:46:12 Squirrell
See you, Rankers.

00:46:13 Hurst
See you later.

00:46:14 Hurst
Love you.

00:46:19 Harriet
Top Five Face Off is presented by Matt Hurst and Matt Squirrel and produced by Power Storm Awesome Fire Incorporated.

00:46:26 Harriet
For more details and to vote for a winner, visit topfivefaceoff.co.uk.

00:46:31 Harriet
Thanks for listening.

00:46:45 Robo-Katy Perry
Top Five Face Off.

00:46:51 Robo-Katy Perry
Top Five Face Off.

00:47:02 Squirrell
Squirrel here.

00:47:03 Squirrell
Headphone users, look out.

00:47:05 Squirrell
You've been warned.

00:47:07 Hurst
Happy days.

00:47:08 Hurst
We're about to get a Fonzie yell.

00:47:23 Squirrell
Cheeeeeeesus.

00:47:28 Squirrell
Especially first Aunt Viv, who is my favourite Aunt Viv, because she's my first Aunt Viv, if you see what I mean.

00:47:34 Squirrell
I think people that watch the second-half of Fresh Prince of Belair first are probably going to prefer the second Aunt Viv.

00:47:39 Squirrell
I'm talking absolute ***** but I'm going to keep going.

00:47:42 Squirrell
First Aunt Viv was my first Aunt Viv, so she's my favourite Aunt Viv, but if second Aunt Viv was your first Aunt Viv, that's going to be your favourite Aunt Viv.

00:47:49 Squirrell
Got it?

00:47:50 Squirrell
Good.

00:47:50 Squirrell
Let's carry on.

00:47:57 Squirrell
Yay! Yay! Yay! Oh, God.

00:47:58 Squirrell
She's like a foghorn.

00:47:59 Hurst
I thought you had a parrot.

00:48:03 Squirrell
Yes, with that parrot constantly screeching, yes.

00:48:09 Hurst
Yeah.

00:48:10 Squirrell
Is there a wind chime outside your house first?

00:48:13 Hurst
There is.

00:48:14 Hurst
Shall I again?

00:48:15 Squirrell
Get it done.

00:48:16 Hurst
Put it down.

00:48:18 Squirrell
Oh, if you can.