S02E01: Horror Movies

Transcript

00:00:00 Harriet
Top Five Face-Off contains adult themes and language that some people may find offensive.

00:00:05 Harriet
Listener discretion is advised.

00:00:07 Squirrell
He's Matt Hurst.

00:00:08 Hurst
He's Matt Squirrel.

00:00:09 Squirrell
This is Top Five Face-Off, the official world rankings of everything.

00:00:13 Squirrell
We're back and we're ranking.

00:00:15 Squirrell
What are we ranking today, Hurst?

00:00:16 Hurst
Well, Squirrel, today we are going to be ranking the top five horror movies of all time.

00:00:24 Squirrell
It's coming right up after this.

00:00:38 Robo-Katy Perry
And then there's a best and a worst.

00:00:44 Robo-Katy Perry
If there's more than five, call Squirrel and Hearst.

00:00:48 Robo-Katy Perry
It's the top fun face-off.

00:00:50 Robo-Katy Perry
Actual fact.

00:00:51 Robo-Katy Perry
It's the top fun face-off.

00:00:53 Robo-Katy Perry
Facts are exact.

00:00:54 Robo-Katy Perry
Top fun face-off.

00:00:57 Robo-Katy Perry
Top fun face-off.

00:00:59 Robo-Katy Perry
Official world ranking.

00:01:01 Robo-Katy Perry
What's next?

00:01:02 Robo-Katy Perry
You decide.

00:01:03 Hurst
Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, or good night, rankers.

00:01:07 Hurst
Welcome back to our loyal rankers.

00:01:10 Hurst
Thank you for your patience throughout our extended break.

00:01:14 Hurst
We did say we'd be back in October.

00:01:16 Squirrell
Technically correct.

00:01:17 Hurst
We really cut it fine, but we didn't lie.

00:01:20 Hurst
So thank you for any new rankers who have just joined the crew.

00:01:25 Hurst
Screw it, why don't you tell them what we do here and why we do it?

00:01:28 Squirrell
Well, new rankers, this is the first episodes of season two of Top Five Faces.

00:01:33 Squirrell
What we do here is we take suggestions from our Patreons, mostly, although we're not doing that this week, but don't worry about that, and we rank the top five things in that suggested category.

00:01:44 Squirrell
We also talk about the worst thing in that category as well, but that's just for fun.

00:01:49 Squirrell
And then you, the ranker at home, go to our website, www.topfivefaceoff.co.uk and vote to tell us which one of us got our list correct.

00:01:58 Squirrell
That will become the official world ranking.

00:02:00 Hurst
It is vitally important that you vote.

00:02:03 Hurst
Really.

00:02:03 Squirrell
Vitally important.

00:02:04 Hurst
The world is depending on you, really.

00:02:07 Squirrell
This is basically the whole point, because if no one votes, then, well, we'll just be talking to ourselves.

00:02:12 Squirrell
Hey, we might be doing that anyway.

00:02:13 Squirrell
Yeah, but we are funny as ****.

00:02:15 Squirrell
We are funny as ****.

00:02:18 Hurst
I'd do it if we didn't have any listeners.

00:02:21 Squirrell
Uh, I wouldn't.

00:02:24 Hurst
So **** you, Rankers.

00:02:25 Squirrell
I mean, well, no, no, because there's no listeners, so there's no one.

00:02:30 Hurst
So **** you, Hurst.

00:02:31 Squirrell
Top five co-hosts, let us know, Patreons.

00:02:38 Squirrell
Excellent.

00:02:39 Squirrell
Yeah, very excited to be back for the new season, Hurst.

00:02:41 Squirrell
How are you feeling?

00:02:42 Hurst
I'm pumped.

00:02:42 Hurst
I am super pumped about it.

00:02:44 Hurst
I've really missed this, which is easy for me to say because I'm not the one who does all the hard work in the background, but it was always one of my favorite days was podcast day, so I'm, I'm delighted in here.

00:02:54 Squirrell
Here we are.

00:02:55 Squirrell
Do you remember what we do on this podcast?

00:02:59 Squirrell
I know we rank stuff.

00:03:00 Hurst
Well, we do tend to start off with a little bit of small talk.

00:03:03 Hurst
Oh, because we're British.

00:03:04 Hurst
Yeah, because we're British.

00:03:05 Squirrell
You remain British.

00:03:06 Hurst
Absolutely.

00:03:06 Hurst
We don't get straight to the point.

00:03:07 Hurst
That would be entirely uncouth.

00:03:09 Hurst
So I guess, how's the weather?

00:03:12 Squirrell
Dark.

00:03:13 Squirrell
because the clocks have just changed and now it's dark all the time, apparently.

00:03:17 Squirrell
I don't know why, but it is.

00:03:19 Squirrell
There we are.

00:03:19 Hurst
That's an interesting point.

00:03:20 Hurst
Is dark weather?

00:03:22 Hurst
Is the time of day, but the outside it's dark.

00:03:26 Hurst
Is that weather or is that just time?

00:03:28 Squirrell
Well, I established the weather by looking out of my window to see what the weather is and dark.

00:03:33 Squirrell
So yeah, that's the best I can do.

00:03:34 Hurst
That's interesting.

00:03:35 Squirrell
I guess earlier today it was all right.

00:03:38 Squirrell
We had a storm, didn't we, a while back.

00:03:40 Hurst
Yeah, we had some, we had some inclement weather.

00:03:42 Hurst
It's been a bit windy today, but, you know, it's just ******* banging.

00:03:45 Squirrell
We have a chat.

00:03:46 Squirrell
I know the rankers are frilled.

00:03:47 Squirrell
They tuned back in for this.

00:03:50 Hurst
I would say from my end.

00:03:53 Hurst
But what's been going on?

00:03:54 Hurst
What we've been up to in the last couple of months and I think good.

00:03:58 Squirrell
Still no.

00:03:59 Hurst
So you asked me.

00:04:00 Squirrell
During the teaser trailer, which was two days ago, and I haven't managed to come up with anything in that time, which was, let's not forget, two days ago and certainly not four minutes ago.

00:04:08 Hurst
Yeah.

00:04:09 Hurst
Well, I've been, I went on my travels.

00:04:11 Hurst
I saw some stuff.

00:04:13 Hurst
I went, I drove, I didn't drive around.

00:04:15 Hurst
I was driven around Athens, Georgia in a boat car.

00:04:19 Hurst
I'll post a picture of that on the website because it's exactly what it sounds like.

00:04:25 Hurst
My cousin has taken a speedboat and basically

00:04:28 Hurst
attached it to the chassis of a pickup truck.

00:04:33 Hurst
It's the UGA boat car and on game days he drives it around and gets a lot of attention.

00:04:37 Hurst
You really do feel like a celebrity in that thing.

00:04:39 Hurst
People are waving, taking photos, showing them out, go dogs, and you're waving back, go, yeah, go dogs.

00:04:44 Hurst
And you feel like a ******* celebrity.

00:04:46 Hurst
Excellent.

00:04:46 Hurst
And then you get out of it and you are basically invisible.

00:04:50 Squirrell
Yes.

00:04:51 Squirrell
Can it go in the water?

00:04:52 Hurst
No, it's not.

00:04:54 Hurst
It's not an aquatic vehicle, not an amphibious vehicle.

00:04:58 Hurst
It's just purely because why not?

00:05:01 Squirrell
Yeah, hell yeah, why not, right?

00:05:03 Hurst
I mean, even in America, you get attention in one of those.

00:05:06 Hurst
So no, that was a lot of fun.

00:05:07 Hurst
Did lots of things, so a lot fun.

00:05:09 Hurst
But now I'm on an actual speedboat on a lake and I got to drive that around, so that was quite good fun.

00:05:14 Squirrell
That is cool.

00:05:15 Hurst
Saw an actual real life snake in the woods.

00:05:18 Hurst
Turns out it was not a dangerous snake, just a garter snake, which is just as good as I got in nice and close to take some good pictures.

00:05:24 Hurst
I thought, yeah.

00:05:25 Hurst
He seems chill.

00:05:26 Squirrell
Did you take your pictures before you knew it was dangerous?

00:05:28 Hurst
No, no, I didn't.

00:05:30 Hurst
But it just seemed chill, seemed to be hanging out, just seemed to want to have his photos taken, so I duly obliged.

00:05:36 Hurst
Right.

00:05:37 Hurst
It was good times.

00:05:38 Hurst
There's too much stuff I did there to really go on about, but it was a fine time.

00:05:41 Hurst
I've enjoyed my weeks off, but I'm ready to get back in the saddle.

00:05:44 Squirrell
Yes, indeed.

00:05:45 Hurst
People probably want to know what's been going on with two important things.

00:05:49 Hurst
The gout situation has really changed.

00:05:52 Hurst
When I was in the US, I stopped taking any

00:05:56 Hurst
meds I had for anything because I'd forgotten for a few days and it didn't seem to have made any difference.

00:06:00 Hurst
So I thought, well, I wonder how many days I can do this for without it making any difference.

00:06:04 Hurst
And we're currently at 30.

00:06:05 Hurst
So clearly those meds weren't doing anything.

00:06:08 Hurst
So it's nice to be off those.

00:06:10 Hurst
So who knows what's going on with the gap?

00:06:12 Hurst
Not really the update you needed.

00:06:13 Hurst
I've been referred physio.

00:06:14 Hurst
I'll keep you posted.

00:06:16 Hurst
And of course, the other important thing is the lemon plant has absolutely flourished over the summer, has probably trebled in size, done beautifully well.

00:06:25 Hurst
Whilst I was in America, I got a message from Carly saying, it looks like there's going to be a ground for us.

00:06:30 Hurst
Do you want me to bring the plant?

00:06:31 Hurst
And it's like, **** yes, absolutely.

00:06:34 Hurst
So she brought it inside and Lemony Snicker is currently living in the laundry room.

00:06:38 Hurst
I will also take photos of that and post them to the site because people seem to be interested.

00:06:48 Squirrell
Shall we rank some ****?

00:06:51 Hurst
Right, let's get down to it.

00:06:52 Squirrell
Yes.

00:06:53 Squirrell
Now, new rankers, if you're new and listening, normally we would talk about the last episode here, but we've already done that back on that teaser trailer that you hopefully heard on Wednesday.

00:07:01 Squirrell
So we're just gonna crack straight in and spin the coin of destiny, which is still exactly where I left it two minutes ago, glued to my microphone.

00:07:09 Squirrell
Here it is.

00:07:10 Hurst
Spin it.

00:07:11 Squirrell
How are we gonna know who goes first or second though?

00:07:13 Hurst
Ah, I was hoping you'd ask that.

00:07:14 Hurst
It's simple.

00:07:15 Hurst
All you have to remember is heads for Hurst.

00:07:18 Squirrell
Else have tails.

00:07:20 Squirrell
She's up and it's heads first.

00:07:21 Squirrell
Let's get ranking.

00:07:23 Hurst
Let's get ranking.

00:07:28 Hurst
I'm not a massive fan of the horror genre.

00:07:31 Hurst
I don't ever find myself thinking, I know what, I really fancy being scared right now.

00:07:36 Hurst
And the ones I have seen have been pretty crap.

00:07:39 Hurst
But once you've been through enough and you're watching just anything you haven't seen before, that's where you get to the dregs of horror.

00:07:44 Hurst
And the dregs of horror, I think, are worse than the dregs of any other film genre.

00:07:50 Squirrell
That's a bold call.

00:07:51 Squirrell
Dregs of comedy has got to be out there.

00:07:52 Hurst
Yeah, no, fair enough.

00:07:53 Hurst
The dregs of comedy is there, but actually that kind of overlaps with the dregs of horror because some

00:07:58 Hurst
Some horror is so bad, it's laughable.

00:08:00 Hurst
But anyway, I thought this was going to be challenging for me to try and find five that I've seen.

00:08:04 Hurst
But it turns out I have seen quite a lot of the classics.

00:08:07 Hurst
And as I went through the likes of the IMDB, I thought, oh, yeah, that's great.

00:08:10 Hurst
Oh, that's brilliant.

00:08:11 Hurst
So there was quite a lot to choose from.

00:08:13 Hurst
And I had to leave a few really quite good ones out.

00:08:17 Hurst
But I have made my decision.

00:08:19 Hurst
I'm happy with it.

00:08:20 Hurst
And in at number five, I have Alien.

00:08:24 Hurst
from 1979, directed by Ridley Scott, starring Sigourney Weaver, Ian Holm and John Hurt.

00:08:30 Squirrell
Yeah, I think I know that one.

00:08:31 Hurst
Yeah, it's got aliens in it.

00:08:32 Hurst
Well, it's got one alien.

00:08:34 Hurst
But in terms of summary, deep in the cold void of space, crew of the commercial freighter, the Nostromo, responds to a mysterious distress signal on a desolate planet.

00:08:43 Hurst
What they find isn't a survivor.

00:08:45 Hurst
It is a parasite one that burrows and gestates and bursts forth as one of cinema's most elegant and terrifying monsters.

00:08:54 Hurst
as H.R.

00:08:55 Hurst
Geiger's biomechanical nightmare.

00:08:58 Hurst
It's big, fast, agile, strong, intelligent, and if you do manage to hurt it, it bleeds acid on you.

00:09:05 Hurst
It doesn't want your money.

00:09:07 Hurst
It doesn't want your planet or your prayers.

00:09:09 Hurst
It just wants your body as an incubator for its little brother or sister.

00:09:12 Hurst
Hard to say.

00:09:13 Squirrell
Or son or daughter.

00:09:15 Hurst
It doesn't.

00:09:16 Hurst
It's the queen that does the laying the eggs and the, they all start off as those face hugging things, don't they?

00:09:21 Hurst
And they, yeah, anyway, some kind of relation,

00:09:24 Hurst
I'm not sure about genders or pronouns, but they don't want anything except your death for their continued survival.

00:09:32 Hurst
So it kind of begins as a blue collar science fiction, but it mutates into a claustrophobic nightmare.

00:09:37 Hurst
The sterile corridors become coffin walls.

00:09:41 Hurst
The hum of machinery becomes a death rattle.

00:09:43 Hurst
Sigourney Weaver's Ripley is the lone voice of reason in a sea of bad decisions.

00:09:50 Hurst
The first true final girl to trade screaming

00:09:54 Hurst
in for strategy and, you know, being the smart winner of the film.

00:09:59 Hurst
So that's another reason to love it because it broke the mold there and yay to Sigourney Weaver for being a banging action hero.

00:10:06 Hurst
So yeah, **** you, the patriarchy, you're all dead and stupid, Ripley's alive and suffering from debilitating PTSD.

00:10:12 Hurst
So...

00:10:13 Hurst
Yay.

00:10:14 Hurst
Yeah, no, nobody's really winning there.

00:10:16 Hurst
No.

00:10:18 Hurst
The chest burster scene remains an absolute masterclass in shock, but really it's the silence afterwards that gets under your skin as you

00:10:24 Hurst
Scott didn't just make a monster movie.

00:10:26 Hurst
He made space, like the whole isolation, the solitude of space into the villain.

00:10:31 Hurst
And the tagline was right.

00:10:33 Hurst
In space, no one can hear you scream.

00:10:34 Hurst
But back on earth, everyone can and did.

00:10:38 Hurst
Brilliant stuff.

00:10:39 Hurst
Alien number five.

00:10:40 Squirrell
There you go.

00:10:40 Squirrell
Excellent.

00:10:41 Squirrell
I guess spoilers.

00:10:42 Squirrell
Sorry about that.

00:10:43 Squirrell
For people that haven't seen a movie that's literally the same age as Urs and I.

00:10:46 Squirrell
So yeah, you've had time.

00:10:48 Squirrell
Cool.

00:10:49 Squirrell
Alien.

00:10:50 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:10:50 Squirrell
I'll chat about that in a bit.

00:10:52 Squirrell
Who knows, right?

00:10:53 Squirrell
Number five for me.

00:10:54 Squirrell
It is.

00:10:55 Squirrell
An American Werewolf in London.

00:10:58 Hurst
Tell me about that.

00:11:00 Squirrell
This is probably the film that scared me the most out of any horror film I saw.

00:11:06 Squirrell
And I'm well aware that it's not an especially scary film.

00:11:08 Squirrell
The problem was I saw it when I was eight.

00:11:11 Squirrell
Ah.

00:11:12 Squirrell
Holy **** snacks.

00:11:14 Squirrell
I was ruined.

00:11:16 Squirrell
Like, I was seriously mentally affected by this ******* film.

00:11:22 Squirrell
Ollie Horsford?

00:11:23 Squirrell
Hawksworth?

00:11:24 Squirrell
I can't remember his name, but he was my friend from lower school and we watched it round his house and his parents were like, yeah, you can watch that.

00:11:30 Squirrell
What the **** were they thinking?

00:11:32 Squirrell
About parenting.

00:11:33 Squirrell
Oh man, I shat my tiny pants, Hurst.

00:11:37 Squirrell
I've seen it since.

00:11:38 Squirrell
I'm aware it's not that scary.

00:11:40 Squirrell
It's funny.

00:11:41 Squirrell
It's like a horror comedy, right?

00:11:42 Squirrell
It's a good film.

00:11:44 Squirrell
I won't talk about it too much because it's only number five.

00:11:46 Squirrell
It won the very first Oscar for Best Makeup, which, you know, as it should, right?

00:11:51 Squirrell
With the whole transformation scene was iconic.

00:11:54 Squirrell
And it was directed by John Landis, who did Blues Brothers and other movies like that, so it was quite a big departure for him.

00:12:00 Squirrell
But yeah, America We Wolf in London ****** me up, so I had to sneak it onto my list whilst losing other films that have devastated me not to include some things

00:12:10 Squirrell
this list house cuz I do quite like horror movies and yeah there's some that I'm not going to be talking about which I'm very sad about but this just had to go in cuz it me up number five 1981's an American wealth in London.

00:12:24 Hurst
You know what's interesting is when I was deciding like what is going to be like the top five horror movies I started to think like is it the scariest and I decided it wasn't and actually two of the films that

00:12:36 Hurst
have shipped me up the most at the cinema aren't actually going to make my list.

00:12:40 Hurst
I won't talk about them now because they're on spoilers.

00:12:42 Hurst
Hint at what is on there.

00:12:43 Hurst
But I just thought, no, it's got to be a combination of the iconic nature of it all, how it affected generations.

00:12:50 Hurst
It was a difficult one to pick.

00:12:52 Hurst
Anyway, I digress.

00:12:54 Hurst
So I'm not going to gamble with my first number four of the new season.

00:12:58 Squirrell
Ah, yes, for new rankers.

00:12:59 Squirrell
Do you want to explain what the **** you just said?

00:13:01 Hurst
My number four pick has, I mean, let's put it mildly, been controversial.

00:13:06 Hurst
Let's put it realistically, has lost me probably several weeks.

00:13:09 Squirrell
Often been your downfall.

00:13:11 Hurst
Yeah, people don't seem to like what I pick for number four.

00:13:14 Hurst
I think half the time it's because I'm misunderstood and the other half of the time people just haven't seen things right or aren't listening to the show right.

00:13:22 Hurst
Anyway, number four has typically been a bit of a hurdle for me to stumble at.

00:13:26 Hurst
So let's have it.

00:13:27 Hurst
Not gambling this one.

00:13:28 Hurst
Okay.

00:13:29 Hurst
My number four is another psychological horror masterpiece.

00:13:32 Hurst
This time, a young girl in a deep emotional distress, restrained and subjected to horrifying experiments by various doctors who all think they know what's wrong and how to cure it.

00:13:42 Hurst
And the flickering lights kick in, the screams, the sense of helplessness, a descent into madness that scarred a generation.

00:13:48 Hurst
I am, of course, talking about Return to Oz.

00:13:54 Hurst
1985, childhood's Dark Mirror.

00:13:57 Hurst
Director Walter Mercht stars Fairuza Bulk off of The Waterboy.

00:14:02 Hurst
Manika Williamson, Jean Marsh.

00:14:05 Hurst
Billed as a children's film, but realistically, it's a terrifying crawl through Hell's toy box.

00:14:10 Hurst
Fairuza Bulk's Dorothy is fragile but fierce, navigating a broken Emerald City that feels more post-apocalypse than fairy tale.

00:14:19 Hurst
The whole thing hums with an uncanny menace.

00:14:21 Hurst
It's like Alice in one

00:14:22 Hurst
land meets Hitchcock's nightmares.

00:14:24 Hurst
I need to give you some summary of this.

00:14:27 Hurst
People are like, Oh, yeah, stupid man is stupid.

00:14:29 Hurst
Number four.

00:14:29 Hurst
Now, I went to the cinema, and after I saw the wheelers, I had to leave.

00:14:33 Hurst
And my brother did as well.

00:14:34 Hurst
In fairness, we were young, but it was just that damn scary.

00:14:37 Hurst
But within minutes, Dorothy's being strapped down for electroshock therapy.

00:14:42 Hurst
Yeah.

00:14:42 Hurst
For talking about Oz.

00:14:43 Hurst
And her only ally in this grim reality is a ******* chicken.

00:14:50 Hurst
Then there's a big storm.

00:14:52 Hurst
She's swept into a wasteland version of Oz, where the Emerald City lies in ruins, the citizens are turned to stone, and the streets are haunted by the ******* wheelers.

00:15:01 Hurst
Shrieking, grinning, gurning lunatics with wheels for hands and feet.

00:15:06 Hurst
The spray paint says beware the wheelers, and God, they got that right.

00:15:10 Hurst
Absolutely grim, just nightmare fuel.

00:15:13 Hurst
Oh, and of course there's Princess Mombi, who literally swaps heads from her walk-in wardrobe to Captain

00:15:21 Hurst
Yep, she cuts off people's heads and wears them.

00:15:25 Hurst
Messed up.

00:15:27 Hurst
Tin Man, rusted.

00:15:28 Hurst
Scarecrow, turned to an ornament.

00:15:30 Hurst
Not a single friend is left in her fantasy land.

00:15:33 Hurst
It's just brutal.

00:15:34 Hurst
Absolutely horrifying.

00:15:35 Hurst
What were they thinking?

00:15:37 Hurst
Number four, return to us.

00:15:39 Squirrell
Brilliant.

00:15:40 Squirrell
Brilliant.

00:15:41 Squirrell
I love that you're so confident that that's an absolutely normal pick for horror films.

00:15:45 Squirrell
Let's find out.

00:15:46 Hurst
Yeah.

00:15:47 Squirrell
They had monkeys, right, as well.

00:15:48 Squirrell
They were scary, right?

00:15:49 Hurst
Just everything about it was scary.

00:15:51 Hurst
They had the giant, like the rock people, the stone lords, but the only way to kill them was for the chicken to lay an egg in its mouth, and then they all crumbled.

00:16:01 Hurst
So just as well she had that chicken, which is, I don't know who came up with that **** but that was- Drugs.

00:16:07 Hurst
It was drugs, man.

00:16:09 Squirrell
Well, fair enough.

00:16:10 Squirrell
We'll see what the rankers think.

00:16:12 Hurst
And of course, everyone thought I was going to say something completely different.

00:16:15 Squirrell
The Exorcist.

00:16:16 Squirrell
Exactly.

00:16:17 Squirrell
Because that's the same.

00:16:18 Hurst
Story, only that was an 18.

00:16:20 Squirrell
Yes, if there was such a thing at the time, but yeah, it is now, certainly.

00:16:24 Squirrell
All right, well, we'll find out what the rankers think soon enough first.

00:16:27 Squirrell
But for now, my number four is a low budget movie called Paranormal Activity.

00:16:35 Squirrell
It's a movie about a girl who goes to sleep and stupid, arrogant American boyfriend.

00:16:41 Squirrell
Well, they're both American, but he was super tough American man who just wanted to beat the ghost up and would shout abuse and tell it to come out here so we could kick it in and it's like, mate,

00:16:51 Squirrell
What are you ******* achieving here?

00:16:53 Squirrell
Besides ******* your poor girlfriend off.

00:16:55 Squirrell
But the story of Paranormal Activity very quickly.

00:16:57 Squirrell
A girl thinks her house is haunted, so her boyfriend, who's called Mika, he's not the one that sings, I don't think, but hey, maybe he was.

00:17:04 Squirrell
They set up some cameras so maybe they can catch some of these spooky goings on.

00:17:09 Squirrell
And they do.

00:17:10 Squirrell
It's ******* horrifying and very, very clever.

00:17:13 Squirrell
Quite a lot of the worst bits of the film is when you're just watching them laying in bed, and sadly they do just lay in the bed better here.

00:17:20 Squirrell
And wait for something to happen because you know something's gonna happen.

00:17:24 Squirrell
And it starts off like not a lot's going on, like the door might open a little bit and that's it.

00:17:29 Squirrell
And you think, ah, it could just be the wind.

00:17:31 Squirrell
It's not the ******* wind, it's a ******* demon and he's gonna get her.

00:17:35 Squirrell
And spoiler alert, he ******* gets her.

00:17:38 Squirrell
This one's from 2017, you've had 18 years, you're all right.

00:17:41 Squirrell
It's really ******* good.

00:17:42 Squirrell
And it's pretty...

00:17:44 Squirrell
legitimately scary.

00:17:45 Squirrell
And they filmed it for around 15 grand and it made quatrillions.

00:17:50 Squirrell
I think that's the official estimate.

00:17:52 Squirrell
Quatrillions of pounds.

00:17:53 Squirrell
It does hold the world record for the most profitable movie of all time because they made it for so little and made so much ******* money and spawned like a load of ******* sequels as these things do and they're successful.

00:18:04 Squirrell
But yeah, the first Paranormal Activity remains the best one in my opinion, and it's ******* great.

00:18:09 Squirrell
Number three, Paramac.

00:18:11 Hurst
You mean number four?

00:18:12 Squirrell
Number four, Paramac.

00:18:14 Hurst
I did actually see that one.

00:18:15 Hurst
Ghosts always were the most scary thing for me because, you know.

00:18:19 Squirrell
What do you do?

00:18:19 Squirrell
You can't fight them.

00:18:20 Squirrell
No matter how American you pretend to be.

00:18:22 Hurst
Exactly.

00:18:23 Hurst
I can see, I mean, even then, you could see why, because you've got to try and be tough and that's the only way you know how.

00:18:28 Hurst
You don't know how to fight something, so you have to try and bring it around to terms that you can understand.

00:18:33 Hurst
And even when you described it, I just got goosebumps on my arm because I remember how scary it was and how terrified I was watching it.

00:18:39 Hurst
Yeah, it's a scary damn film.

00:18:42 Hurst
It's a good call.

00:18:42 Hurst
Right, so let's move

00:18:44 Hurst
to my number three, which is probably venturing back into the more traditional horror, and that is Psycho, 1960, directed by Alfred Hitchcock, of course, starring Anthony Perkins and Jenet Lee.

00:18:57 Hurst
The summary, let's go this way.

00:19:01 Hurst
Let's talk about it.

00:19:02 Hurst
Yeah, yeah.

00:19:02 Hurst
Sometimes you, yeah, you get lost for words and these things, because I watched it again this week, just to be sure, and it's still ******* brilliant.

00:19:10 Hurst
So what it is, Marion Crane is a secretary, sick of her dead end

00:19:14 Hurst
and love and low pay situation impulsively steals $40,000, which in 1960 was an awful lot of money.

00:19:21 Squirrell
About 40 grand, wouldn't it?

00:19:22 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:19:24 Hurst
Back in 1960.

00:19:26 Hurst
And on a lonely highway, she finds the Bates Motel, a cozy refuge run by an awkward young man named Norman and his overbearing mother.

00:19:36 Hurst
And what begins as a crime thriller about guilt and greed twists into something much darker where every shadow has a secret, every voice

00:19:44 Hurst
This has an echo.

00:19:45 Hurst
Hitchcock does the unthinkable.

00:19:47 Hurst
He kills off his leading lady halfway through the film.

00:19:50 Hurst
Again, spoilers, but it is 65 years old.

00:19:52 Squirrell
Yeah, okay.

00:19:52 Hurst
And that single act changed cinema forever.

00:19:54 Hurst
The infamous shower scene, 78 camera setups, 52 cuts, and not a single explicit stab.

00:20:03 Hurst
Remains one of the most famous murders in movie history.

00:20:06 Hurst
You don't see the blade connect, but you feel it in your skin and your stomach, and of course it has got that noise, which

00:20:15 Hurst
It's become synonymous with stabbing murders, like...

00:20:21 Hurst
Everyone does it.

00:20:22 Hurst
Yeah.

00:20:22 Hurst
And that's the power of the film.

00:20:24 Hurst
Anthony Perkins plays Norman Bates perfectly.

00:20:26 Hurst
He's just polite, gentle, bird-like, and completely broken.

00:20:31 Hurst
He seems so nice and nerdy.

00:20:32 Hurst
He's the boy next door with a hobby that's, you know, 50% taxidermy, 50% matricide.

00:20:39 Hurst
He's basically a walking Freudian thesis.

00:20:41 Hurst
But the real genius of Psycho is how normal it feels until it doesn't.

00:20:45 Hurst
He's got basically weaponized and participation in movies and the silence before the screen.

00:20:51 Hurst
By the time we reach the cellar and the truth about the mother and what's been going on, we've all learned a terrifying lesson that evil doesn't always snarl.

00:20:58 Hurst
It's not always obvious and not there in front.

00:21:00 Hurst
Sometimes it's smiling shyly at you from across the room.

00:21:04 Hurst
It may be 65 years old, but it's still fantastic.

00:21:07 Hurst
Every time you see the mother

00:21:09 Hurst
moving around.

00:21:12 Hurst
It moves in such just a horrible, there's something creepy even about the way he moves as his mother.

00:21:20 Hurst
Ugh.

00:21:21 Hurst
Brilliant, brilliant film.

00:21:22 Hurst
If you've not seen it, I highly recommend it.

00:21:24 Hurst
It's not scary in the same way as Paranormal Activity is, but it's a brilliant horror.

00:21:30 Hurst
Absolutely brilliant.

00:21:30 Hurst
Number three, Psycho.

00:21:31 Squirrell
There we go.

00:21:33 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:21:33 Squirrell
Famously filmed in black and white because they couldn't get away with it in colour, right?

00:21:37 Hurst
Oh, probably, yeah.

00:21:39 Hurst
The blood and that.

00:21:39 Squirrell
Wasn't it the first film to involve a flushing toilet as well?

00:21:42 Squirrell
That's a bit of trivia that's just jumped into my head.

00:21:45 Squirrell
Thinking of the first film to have a flushing toilet.

00:21:51 Squirrell
There we go.

00:21:52 Squirrell
Well, psycho.

00:21:52 Squirrell
Yes, there we go.

00:21:53 Squirrell
How the **** do I know that?

00:21:54 Squirrell
There we go.

00:21:55 Hurst
I'm glad it wasn't my number one.

00:21:56 Hurst
I didn't try and hit you with that as my...

00:21:58 Squirrell
Oh, yeah, right.

00:21:59 Squirrell
All over it.

00:22:00 Squirrell
Fact versus estimated fact.

00:22:02 Squirrell
Cool.

00:22:03 Squirrell
Where are we, number three?

00:22:04 Squirrell
I'm all over the place.

00:22:05 Squirrell
As I've already explained to hers, my top five was not locked in before they started.

00:22:09 Squirrell
I've already shifted it around a little bit.

00:22:10 Squirrell
So at number three, for me, we're going for some sci-fi horror.

00:22:15 Squirrell
So let's talk about Event Horizon, because Event Horizon's a holy banger.

00:22:19 Squirrell
Love Event Horizon.

00:22:20 Squirrell
It came out in 1997, just around the time they were starting to use special visual effects in films more and more.

00:22:28 Squirrell
They did that for Event Horizon with some exterior scenes and some zero gravity scenes inside the ship.

00:22:33 Squirrell
It's ******* brilliant.

00:22:34 Squirrell
Here's the story of Event Horizon.

00:22:36 Squirrell
And if you don't know it, I will try not to spoil it too much because you really should go and see this one because it's ******* wicked.

00:22:42 Squirrell
But the Event Horizon is a spaceship.

00:22:44 Squirrell
It's a new research ship and they fly it out to Pluto and it just vanishes and they lose contact with it.

00:22:51 Squirrell
And it's the biggest disaster in space history.

00:22:54 Squirrell
And everyone's very sad.

00:22:56 Squirrell
Seven years later, that was, by the way, I think due to happen three years ago, the Event Horizon left.

00:23:01 Squirrell
I think it's like 2022, the Event Horizon left.

00:23:04 Squirrell
Anyway, seven years later, ******* they find it again.

00:23:08 Squirrell
It's just, it's there.

00:23:09 Squirrell
They get back in contact with it.

00:23:11 Squirrell
So they dispatch a rescue ship and it's the crew of this rescue ship that you're spending the film with.

00:23:15 Squirrell
And they go out to try and, well, see if there's any survivors, unlikely after seven years, but you never know, and to find out what happened and maybe even potentially bring it back.

00:23:24 Squirrell
I'll tell you what happened, Hurst.

00:23:25 Squirrell
It went to ******* hell and then came back again with hell on it.

00:23:29 Squirrell
******* brilliant.

00:23:30 Squirrell
I love Event Horizon so much.

00:23:34 Squirrell
It's brilliant.

00:23:36 Squirrell
Maybe I should explain why?

00:23:38 Hurst
It is brilliant.

00:23:40 Hurst
To be honest, I saw that in the cinema.

00:23:42 Hurst
I went thinking it was going to be a sci-fi film and it scared the absolute **** out of me.

00:23:48 Squirrell
It did.

00:23:49 Squirrell
Well, I'm not saying it scared the **** out of you, but it also scared the **** out of me.

00:23:52 Squirrell
It was just excellent.

00:23:53 Squirrell
The main thing that scared me about it is like, obviously they're a long, long way from Earth, so there's no one coming to ******* help them.

00:24:01 Squirrell
They're absolutely on their own.

00:24:03 Squirrell
there, for most of the movie, there wasn't a bad guy because they were fighting against the actual ship itself that they were on.

00:24:09 Squirrell
It was just like, I'm going to **** you up.

00:24:12 Squirrell
And it's got all that Latin **** going on.

00:24:14 Squirrell
Or whatever they said, a ******* banging.

00:24:19 Squirrell
And it had the weird black hole infinity drive thing with its weird spinny roundy lights and ******* pain corridor, which only existed to look cool.

00:24:27 Squirrell
It was just like a big old cheese grater that went round and round.

00:24:30 Squirrell
It's like, why does this exist on the ship?

00:24:32 Squirrell
They're like,

00:24:33 Squirrell
sci-fi shenanigans and you're like, okay, let's carry on.

00:24:35 Squirrell
No one got grated up in that thing, by the way, which is quite a surprise.

00:24:39 Squirrell
Oh yeah, do you remember I was not doing spoilers?

00:24:40 Squirrell
I should get back to that.

00:24:41 Squirrell
Just so ******* good.

00:24:44 Squirrell
Event Horizon is one of the best sci-fi horror films that's ever been made.

00:24:49 Squirrell
And you owe it yourself to go and give a whole new meaning to the phrase of the living room because you're not going to think about it the same way after that because the whole ******* thing's alive.

00:25:00 Squirrell
Yeah, Event Horizon is my number.

00:25:03 Hurst
Yeah, it's just a devastating film.

00:25:06 Hurst
I toyed with it, but I couldn't bring myself to watch it again to find out what happened.

00:25:11 Hurst
I was too scared to go back.

00:25:15 Hurst
Yeah, brilliant.

00:25:15 Hurst
Just, yeah, that film was a menace.

00:25:18 Hurst
Good call, really good call.

00:25:20 Hurst
Right, so we're down to my number two and I have gone for another classic directed by Stanley Kubrick again.

00:25:27 Hurst
This one is The Shining.

00:25:28 Hurst
Yeah.

00:25:28 Hurst
Starring Jack Nicholson, Shelley Duvall and Danny Lloyd.

00:25:32 Hurst
A masterpiece of madness where every frame hums with unease.

00:25:37 Hurst
Kubrick's perfectionism meets Stephen King's ghosts and horror writing and the result is something just timeless and

00:25:44 Hurst
and terrifying.

00:25:45 Hurst
So in summary, Jack Torrance, played by Jack Nicholson, who's a failed writer and recovering alcoholic and all-around bad candidate for isolation, accepts a job as a winter caretaker at the remote Overlook Hotel.

00:25:59 Hurst
He brings his wife Wendy and young son Danny along for a few quiet months of caretaking, writing and trying not to murder each other.

00:26:07 Squirrell
Good idea.

00:26:08 Squirrell
How did that go?

00:26:09 Hurst
Unfortunately, the hotel has other plans and the longer they stay, the thinner

00:26:14 Hurst
line between cabin fever and supernatural possession becomes until Jack's writer's block turns into axe murdering.

00:26:22 Hurst
The direction is clinical, symmetrical, and suffocating.

00:26:25 Hurst
Every frame feels cursed.

00:26:27 Hurst
Even a painting hung ever so slightly askew, which is frankly a mini horror for me on its own.

00:26:34 Hurst
The camera gliding down through endless corridors, trapping us in the geometry of the hotel and frankly, Jack's deteriorating mind, and you can feel the walls

00:26:44 Hurst
closing in one steady cam shot at a time as it moves around the corridors, especially with little Danny on his trike.

00:26:52 Squirrell
On his big wheel, right?

00:26:54 Hurst
Yeah, on his big wheel, it's just.

00:26:55 Squirrell
Wasn't the one of that in your top five modes of transportation?

00:26:58 Hurst
Yeah, ******* around, big wheel.

00:27:00 Hurst
Didn't get him out of all that trouble, though.

00:27:02 Hurst
It didn't.

00:27:02 Hurst
Even that, just a kid riding around an empty hotel on a big wheel, just it hummed with

00:27:09 Hurst
You just knew bad things were coming and every corner we went round.

00:27:12 Hurst
You're like, what the ****** going to be there?

00:27:13 Hurst
What's going to make my skin stand on there?

00:27:15 Hurst
What's my hair stand on there?

00:27:17 Hurst
I don't know how my skin would stand on there.

00:27:18 Hurst
I'll figure it out.

00:27:19 Hurst
Maybe that's what it does when I stand up.

00:27:20 Hurst
Anyway, it's brilliant.

00:27:22 Hurst
And just pedals through this hall, giving us one of the most enduring images of dread.

00:27:28 Hurst
The twins.

00:27:30 Squirrell
Oh, those ******* little girls.

00:27:31 Hurst
And play with us, Danny.

00:27:33 Hurst
Ugh.

00:27:33 Hurst
How about no?

00:27:38 Hurst
Freaky twins.

00:27:39 Hurst
I mean, the child sees the ghosts that the adult ignores.

00:27:42 Hurst
or the adult signal.

00:27:43 Hurst
There's no jump scare, really, though, that hits harder than, Here's Johnny bursting through the splinted wood.

00:27:50 Hurst
I'd say the real horror isn't the ghost, it's the slow corrosion of the family under pressure, the madness that comes from isolation rather than monsters.

00:27:59 Hurst
It's a brilliantly done film, and obviously Jack Nicholson's one of the greatest actors of all time, and it's one of his greatest roles.

00:28:06 Hurst
The Overlook Hotel becomes a living, breathing labyrinth, and Nicholson's descent into madness is sublime.

00:28:12 Hurst
Yeah, it's a rare film that terrifies as much for its precision and character studies as its paranormal elements.

00:28:18 Hurst
It's just, it's timeless, absolutely watchable now.

00:28:21 Hurst
And you would think, yeah, it looks dated.

00:28:24 Hurst
You'd just think, I want to stop this and do something nice.

00:28:28 Hurst
Someone cuddle me.

00:28:31 Hurst
So yeah, that's my number two, The Shining.

00:28:34 Squirrell
******* banging film.

00:28:35 Squirrell
Shining was one of the ones I was very disappointed that I wasn't going to be talking about.

00:28:38 Squirrell
So I'm glad you brought it up.

00:28:39 Squirrell
Just so ******* clever.

00:28:41 Squirrell
Do you know why the bits where you're following the bike are so ****** ** and horrible is because they were doing shenanigans with the scenery so they would change it.

00:28:49 Squirrell
So he rides his bike somewhere that shouldn't be possible because you've already been past walls that have suddenly vanished when he turns it around.

00:28:55 Squirrell
And they're just doing all sorts of clever **** like that.

00:28:57 Squirrell
They're moving tables while the camera's swinging around just ******* so clever.

00:29:02 Hurst
Brilliant.

00:29:02 Squirrell
The hotel cannot be that

00:29:04 Squirrell
There's doors that can't exist.

00:29:05 Squirrell
There's things.

00:29:06 Squirrell
Oh, it's *******.

00:29:07 Squirrell
I love ******* shouting.

00:29:08 Squirrell
It's a great, great film settling, but so compelling.

00:29:12 Squirrell
Yeah, indeed.

00:29:13 Squirrell
Excellent.

00:29:14 Squirrell
Time for my number two.

00:29:15 Squirrell
Time for me to decide what that's going to be.

00:29:16 Squirrell
And I have decided, Hurst.

00:29:19 Squirrell
We're back to the found footage genre.

00:29:21 Squirrell
And oh, hey, who could guess what's going to be my number two film?

00:29:25 Squirrell
I think I've talked about this twice on this podcast now because it came out in 1999 and we've covered that.

00:29:30 Hurst
Definitely came out in that one.

00:29:31 Squirrell
Yep.

00:29:32 Squirrell
So the Blair Witch Project.

00:29:34 Squirrell
is just remains one of my favorite films, not favorite horror films.

00:29:39 Squirrell
It was a revelation at the time.

00:29:42 Squirrell
The way they advertised it, the way they filmed it, the way the actors used their own names and weren't allowed to do any of the press tour because they were dead.

00:29:51 Squirrell
It's just so clever.

00:29:53 Squirrell
I've read more about it since first.

00:29:55 Squirrell
And it started off, it was mostly going to be the documentary bit, like it was mostly going to be asking people about the Blair Witch, and the three people in it weren't going to be in it that

00:30:04 Squirrell
much.

00:30:04 Squirrell
I mean, they were paid peanuts, but, you know, fair enough, the whole film was made for nothing.

00:30:08 Squirrell
You know, literally, I think it was $20,000 or like, I don't know, they got some royalties out of it though.

00:30:14 Squirrell
Nope, nope, they got ******.

00:30:16 Squirrell
Really?

00:30:17 Squirrell
Absolutely creamed, yes, because, well, they were no one, and this was a little indie budget thing, so they weren't ever expected to make much money.

00:30:24 Squirrell
There was a contract thing written into their contract that if they made a million dollars, they would get X amount per million, and it made 248 million.

00:30:33 Squirrell
So they

00:30:34 Squirrell
They should have been ******* rich, but they were stiffed by the studio somehow.

00:30:37 Squirrell
I don't know, Hollywood accounting.

00:30:38 Squirrell
I know Heather, who has since changed her name just to get away from the fact that she was called Heather Donoghue in the film and she's called Heather Donoghue in real life.

00:30:45 Squirrell
She's called Ray now.

00:30:46 Squirrell
Yeah, she managed to get some money out of them, but it took years and years and years.

00:30:50 Squirrell
I think they're paying her something like 50 grand a year of her million until they've paid her off or something like that.

00:30:57 Squirrell
But even though all Hollywood people are ******* it seems, the film remained ******* incredible.

00:31:04 Squirrell
people getting lost in the woods.

00:31:05 Squirrell
Proper ******* lost.

00:31:07 Squirrell
The whole thing is the most improvised thing you're ever going to see, because not only did they not have a script, they were also doing the camera work, they were doing the sound recording, they were just told where to be at the end of each day, and they had to find their way through the woods.

00:31:20 Squirrell
They were ******* hungry, and they were angry in real life, which is why it translates so well into the ******* movie.

00:31:27 Squirrell
They don't know what's going on, so you don't know what's going on.

00:31:29 Squirrell
And the ending is just one of the best

00:31:32 Squirrell
horror endings of all time.

00:31:35 Squirrell
Oh **** it, you've seen the Blair Witch, it's ******* 26 years old.

00:31:38 Squirrell
Stand in the corner while your mate gets battered.

00:31:40 Squirrell
That house at the end with the little handprints up the stairs and...

00:31:44 Squirrell
******* all of that was just all manner of ****** **.

00:31:46 Squirrell
I'm sure I said this last time, but I saw it in the cinema, and I sat in the cinema, and I walked out of that cinema with a full drink and a full box of popcorn, and so did every other ******.

00:31:54 Squirrell
Because once it kind of got going, no one did anything else but sit silently and think, ah, ******* what the **** have I got myself into here?

00:32:02 Squirrell
Loved it.

00:32:03 Squirrell
Love Blair Witch.

00:32:04 Squirrell
Love it still.

00:32:05 Squirrell
******* incredible film.

00:32:06 Squirrell
Sorry if you've got motion sickness because you missed out on one of the greatest things ever to come to the cinema.

00:32:11 Squirrell
Number 2, 1999's Blair Witch.

00:32:15 Hurst
Gosh, what could possibly be on number one?

00:32:19 Squirrell
Well, it's, you know, it's welcome back to Oz or whatever that one's called.

00:32:24 Squirrell
Welcome to Oz.

00:32:25 Hurst
There was definitely no welcome back.

00:32:28 Hurst
It's getting sucked back into Oz now we're going to take you down.

00:32:32 Hurst
There's no munchkins, there's no good witches, this is just pure hell.

00:32:36 Squirrell
Aw.

00:32:38 Hurst
That's where the Event Horizon went.

00:32:39 Hurst
It went to the freaking doors and then came out again.

00:32:41 Squirrell
A lot of people think, oh, that'll get about, strap in, Malcs.

00:32:45 Squirrell
I'm about to get power nerdy.

00:32:47 Squirrell
Event Horizon was very much the precursor to the Warhammer 40,000 universe because the ship went through the chaos realm, went through the warp, came back with chaos gods on it, and ****** everyone up.

00:32:58 Squirrell
And that's basically what happens in Warhammer 40,000 as well.

00:33:00 Squirrell
Power nerd moment over.

00:33:02 Squirrell
Tune back in, normal people.

00:33:04 Hurst
Nice, nice.

00:33:05 Hurst
One for the Malcs.

00:33:06 Hurst
So at this point,

00:33:08 Hurst
for any new rankers, we don't go straight to our number one.

00:33:11 Hurst
We take a slight detour and announce what we consider to be the worst of our category.

00:33:17 Hurst
Now, bear in mind, this does not count towards the ranking.

00:33:20 Hurst
Do not vote based on what you're about to hear.

00:33:22 Hurst
Just enjoy, because our opinions count.

00:33:29 Hurst
The worst horror movie of all time I haven't even seen.

00:33:34 Hurst
It's called The Human Centipede.

00:33:37 Hurst
Do you know why it's my worst?

00:33:39 Squirrell
No hers.

00:33:40 Hurst
Because **** the guy that came up with that.

00:33:42 Hurst
Let's be honest, it was definitely a guy.

00:33:44 Hurst
Oh yeah.

00:33:45 Hurst
Get in touch with Elon, get the hell off this planet, you sick ****.

00:33:49 Hurst
Ghastly business.

00:33:52 Hurst
Human sensei is the worst.

00:33:54 Squirrell
That's it.

00:33:55 Squirrell
Do you even, like, know what it's about?

00:33:57 Hurst
I know enough.

00:33:59 Hurst
I know that he attaches mouths to bums and turns people into centipedes.

00:34:03 Hurst
What kind of...

00:34:04 Hurst
I mean, not having committed a crime, you should be in prison for coming up with that because, you know, you're gonna...

00:34:12 Hurst
Awful business.

00:34:13 Squirrell
All right, fair enough.

00:34:16 Hurst
How would that concept come to you?

00:34:20 Squirrell
Oh, drugs, presumably.

00:34:22 Hurst
Yeah, but, like, even then.

00:34:25 Squirrell
Get ready for facts.

00:34:26 Squirrell
First, the concept of the film arose from a joke.

00:34:28 Squirrell
Director Tom Six, sounds like a guy, made with friends about punishing a child molester by stitching his mouth to the *** of a very fat truck driver.

00:34:39 Hurst
Okay.

00:34:39 Squirrell
Then he turned that into a career.

00:34:41 Hurst
So not even necessarily drugs, just someone saying something like the fact that your mind goes there.

00:34:49 Squirrell
What about the truck driver, man?

00:34:51 Squirrell
What's he done wrong?

00:34:52 Squirrell
He just drives a truck for a living.

00:34:54 Squirrell
He doesn't want someone stapled to his ****.

00:34:58 Hurst
Yeah, **** that guy.

00:35:00 Squirrell
Yeah, yeah.

00:35:02 Squirrell
I should talk about mine, really, shouldn't I?

00:35:03 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:35:04 Squirrell
As far as I'm aware, the worst horror film is one that, unfortunately, I saw at the cinemas.

00:35:08 Squirrell
And is the Blow Witch?

00:35:11 Squirrell
Two.

00:35:11 Squirrell
Book of Shadows.

00:35:13 Squirrell
******* hell.

00:35:14 Squirrell
Way to just...

00:35:15 Squirrell
**** it up.

00:35:16 Squirrell
I know that they rushed this out.

00:35:18 Squirrell
It literally came out in 2000.

00:35:19 Squirrell
It was less than a year later.

00:35:21 Squirrell
It was just a normal film.

00:35:23 Squirrell
There wasn't found footage or anything.

00:35:24 Squirrell
It was just a film about a guy who is a bit meta.

00:35:27 Squirrell
He was cashing in on the original Blair Witch film by doing Blair Witch tours, and he would take normal people around the woods and say, This is where they filmed that, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:35:36 Squirrell
Just ****.

00:35:37 Squirrell
Just utter ****.

00:35:38 Squirrell
They didn't have time to do a good job.

00:35:40 Squirrell
They didn't have time to write a good script.

00:35:41 Squirrell
Cash grab.

00:35:42 Squirrell
powerful cash grab.

00:35:43 Squirrell
And I was so, I've never been so ******* disappointed in the film of my life.

00:35:48 Squirrell
I don't think it's that bad.

00:35:50 Squirrell
But I think compared to Blair Witch, it's just not, it's not even trying to be in the same league.

00:35:56 Squirrell
It's not playing the same ******* spot.

00:35:57 Squirrell
It doesn't live on the same ******* planet.

00:35:59 Squirrell
It is apparently slightly worse than Human Centipede if we believe IMDb's rating of things.

00:36:04 Squirrell
But yeah, there was just nothing redeeming about it at all.

00:36:08 Squirrell
It was crap and boring and generic and it was like the *******

00:36:12 Squirrell
opposite of what the Blair Witch was.

00:36:14 Squirrell
There was, it just wasn't clever or unique or anything and gives a ****.

00:36:20 Squirrell
Blair Witch 2 gets onto the *** of a fat truck driver.

00:36:25 Squirrell
Poor fat from truck drivers.

00:36:26 Squirrell
Poor truck drivers.

00:36:27 Squirrell
Truck drivers, we love you.

00:36:28 Squirrell
I used to drive a truck, and I ******* loved it.

00:36:31 Squirrell
Nothing against truck drivers.

00:36:33 Squirrell
Everything against Blair Witch 2, Book of Shadows.

00:36:35 Squirrell
Who directed this ****?

00:36:36 Squirrell
Joe Berlinger does not ring a bell.

00:36:40 Squirrell
I mean, he's done ******* nothing much else.

00:36:42 Squirrell
He did Metallica as some kind of monster.

00:36:45 Squirrell
There we go.

00:36:46 Squirrell
Yeah, nothing you've ******* heard of besides Blair Witch 2, and nor does he deserve to do much work either.

00:36:52 Squirrell
******* hell.

00:36:53 Squirrell
Just ********.

00:36:55 Squirrell
Right.

00:36:57 Squirrell
That's enough.

00:36:57 Squirrell
Just being angry.

00:36:58 Hurst
Anyway, we are done with our hate fest.

00:37:02 Hurst
That's not what we're about.

00:37:03 Squirrell
No.

00:37:04 Squirrell
Sorry, I did get a bit over upset about that.

00:37:07 Squirrell
I didn't.

00:37:08 Squirrell
I didn't get ******* upset enough with mine.

00:37:12 Squirrell
What do we do now?

00:37:12 Squirrell
Feels like there's something else we need to talk about.

00:37:14 Hurst
Um, I don't know.

00:37:16 Hurst
That's it, isn't it?

00:37:17 Hurst
We've done everything.

00:37:17 Hurst
Now we've done our top four.

00:37:19 Squirrell
Yeah, thanks Rankers.

00:37:20 Squirrell
Bye.

00:37:20 Squirrell
Yeah, top four face off.

00:37:22 Hurst
Of course, we are coming to our first top selections of the season.

00:37:33 Hurst
My number one was an easy number one for me.

00:37:37 Hurst
It is a film called Jaws from 1975, directed by Steven Spielberg.

00:37:45 Hurst
Not Stevie Speed.

00:37:46 Hurst
Famous for his horrors, but has also still, in my opinion, done the greatest one of all time.

00:37:51 Hurst
Starring Roy Schneider, Richard Dreyfus and Robert Shaw as the main three dudes.

00:37:55 Hurst
In summary, it's a summer on Amity Island and the tourist dollars are rolling in until a midnight swim turns into a midnight snack.

00:38:03 Hurst
for a big fat shark.

00:38:04 Hurst
The local police chief wants to close the beaches, the mayor wants to keep their money flowing, and the great white shark circling offshore doesn't give a tiny rat's fart either way.

00:38:14 Hurst
As the body count rises, a mismatched trio of Chief Brody, oceanographer Hooper, and a grizzled shark hunter called Quint set out to take down what might well be the most potent killing machine in the ocean.

00:38:25 Hurst
Spielberg's genius here was actually born of a broken robot.

00:38:29 Hurst
The mechanical shark barely worked.

00:38:31 Hurst
It wasn't waterproof, right?

00:38:35 Hurst
It was knackered because he didn't have like CGI or anything then.

00:38:38 Hurst
It was, you had to have your animatronics, you had to have your robots and that.

00:38:42 Hurst
And it didn't work very well.

00:38:43 Hurst
So he had to make...

00:38:45 Hurst
terror out of what we didn't see, the rippling water, the floating barrels.

00:38:49 Hurst
And ultimately, thanks to John Williams and his incredible score of two notes that somehow still trigger a primal reaction in any beachgoer alive, made it into an absolutely compelling, brilliant, and not cheesy horror masterpiece, which considering what they were up against, is remarkable.

00:39:12 Hurst
Quinter Roy Schneider anchors the chaos as the uh the everyman chief who's out of his depth but you know trying to do what's right.

00:39:18 Hurst
Dreyfus brings the manic scientist energy and Robert Shaw's Quint is pure cinematic myth, half sea captain, half ghost story.

00:39:27 Hurst
The story of the USS Indianapolis, that monologue he does is so chilling it could freeze the salt water.

00:39:35 Hurst
It goes from cheerful drunken having a good old laugh to just silence and it's it's beautifully done.

00:39:42 Hurst
This isn't just a monster movie, it's distilled tension.

00:39:45 Hurst
Man versus nature, ego versus instinct, the sea versus anyone stupid enough to think they can tame it.

00:39:51 Hurst
And then the final showdown with Brody clinging to a sinking mask, rifle aimed at an oxygen tank is pure movie alchemy.

00:40:01 Squirrell
Smile, you *** ** * *****.

00:40:04 Hurst
And when the shark finally explodes, it's not just relief, it's just the release of every repressed scream from an audience that has not unclenched for two hours.

00:40:11 Hurst
People still love Jaws 50 years on.

00:40:14 Hurst
For all the Meg's special effects, it doesn't hold a candle to Jaws.

00:40:20 Hurst
It just goes to show it doesn't matter how good your technology is, if you haven't got the right story, the right director, the right actors, and just the right characters, none of it matters.

00:40:29 Hurst
Jaws is 50 years old and it's still brilliant every

00:40:33 Hurst
every time I watch it.

00:40:34 Hurst
So that's my number one, Jaws.

00:40:42 Squirrell
Yeah, just an excellent shout.

00:40:43 Squirrell
Jaws is a cultural phenomenon, right?

00:40:46 Squirrell
Everyone, everyone surely knows that music.

00:40:49 Hurst
Yeah, brilliant.

00:40:50 Hurst
It's that, again, music that has transcended the movie, just like with Psycho, there's sounds that come from those classic movies and The Omen very nearly made my list.

00:41:00 Hurst
I watched it for the first time just yesterday and Oh, the music.

00:41:04 Hurst
It's just brilliant.

00:41:05 Squirrell
Phenomenal.

00:41:05 Squirrell
Yeah, and the bit with the Rottweiler and the way the music matched the Rottweiler's breathing.

00:41:10 Squirrell
**** yeah, that was clever.

00:41:12 Squirrell
Yeah, that's a good movie.

00:41:13 Hurst
It was a very good movie.

00:41:15 Hurst
Jesus.

00:41:16 Hurst
Anyway, I won't go into those in case they're your number one, which I know they're not.

00:41:19 Squirrell
No, because you know exactly what mine is.

00:41:22 Hurst
But I would like a fact and an estimated fact.

00:41:25 Hurst
Okay.

00:41:26 Hurst
Fact, Robert Shaw turned up drunk on set for the filming of his USS Indianapolis speech, and in spite of doing several further takes sober, his drunken rendition was deemed the burst and is the one actually used in the film.

00:41:38 Squirrell
Brilliant, I want that to be the fact.

00:41:40 Squirrell
Let's hear the other one.

00:41:41 Hurst
Fact, Jeffrey Voorhees, who plays the little boy Alex Kintner that gets eaten early in the film, still gets flown around the world to conventions and is paid $10,000 for each one, even though he was only in the film for five minutes.

00:41:58 Squirrell
Now, I know these conventional people, they do make their dollar.

00:42:01 Squirrell
There can't be many people left in Jaws that are still alive, right?

00:42:04 Squirrell
Because it's such an old film now.

00:42:06 Squirrell
I want the first one to be true, so I'm just going to say that.

00:42:09 Squirrell
The fact is that he did a drunk reading of his line that was better than all of his sober efforts.

00:42:15 Hurst
In fairness, I would like that one to be true.

00:42:17 Squirrell
But it is not.

00:42:18 Hurst
It is the guy who played Alex Kinter.

00:42:21 Hurst
And it was only in 2017 he finally came to the whole people saying, well, you come to these things.

00:42:26 Hurst
It's like, it's not worth it.

00:42:27 Hurst
Then he realized, **** it was worth it.

00:42:29 Hurst
Oh, yeah.

00:42:30 Hurst
After I came up with the whole Robert Shaw one, I was like, oh, I wish that was true because it's such a great scene.

00:42:36 Squirrell
Cool.

00:42:37 Squirrell
My number one, Hurst.

00:42:38 Hurst
Tell me a little bit about Alien.

00:42:39 Squirrell
Yeah, let's talk about Alien because

00:42:43 Squirrell
Just ******* brilliant.

00:42:44 Squirrell
A couple of corrections from earlier in the episode.

00:42:47 Squirrell
It wasn't a planet, it was a moon.

00:42:50 Squirrell
It's a starship.

00:42:52 Squirrell
No, it wasn't.

00:42:53 Squirrell
No, you're right.

00:42:54 Squirrell
It was a commercial towing vehicle.

00:42:55 Squirrell
Anyway, alien.

00:42:57 Squirrell
Yeah, just.

00:42:59 Squirrell
******* brilliant.

00:43:00 Squirrell
When you think about how old it is and how it still looks freaking perfect, because again, no special effects, although there is one right at the end when the **** blows up, that's kind of hand drawn explosions and lights and stuff.

00:43:12 Squirrell
But **** I love alien.

00:43:14 Squirrell
God, it's good.

00:43:15 Squirrell
I'm very into aliens, as anyone that knows me.

00:43:19 Squirrell
I know, in fact, in my background hers now can see up there, there's a little toy alien.

00:43:24 Squirrell
You see that thing there in the corner, that is a laser disc of alien.

00:43:28 Squirrell
So that's an alien's

00:43:29 Squirrell
Who the **** has one of them?

00:43:31 Squirrell
Me?

00:43:31 Squirrell
Do I have a Laserdisc player?

00:43:32 Squirrell
Of course I don't.

00:43:33 Squirrell
I don't even know where I would get such a thing.

00:43:35 Squirrell
I love Alin.

00:43:36 Squirrell
I love all of the movies.

00:43:38 Squirrell
I don't care.

00:43:38 Squirrell
Even the ones that you think are bad.

00:43:40 Squirrell
Everyone out there, **** ***.

00:43:41 Squirrell
No, they're not.

00:43:41 Hurst
You're absolutely right about how it aged.

00:43:44 Hurst
Well, I was talking to my brother about this the other day, and he said, what's amazing is if it wasn't for the haircuts, you would not be able to place it.

00:43:51 Squirrell
Haircuts and smoking inside.

00:43:56 Hurst
But even then, you think in space, like, what are they going to do?

00:43:58 Hurst
Who's coming to find us?

00:43:59 Hurst
So smokers would probably smoke on board because what are they going to do?

00:44:02 Squirrell
Go outside.

00:44:03 Squirrell
That's true what they're going to do.

00:44:04 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:44:04 Squirrell
Well, maybe they're not going to get their bonus situation.

00:44:07 Squirrell
Oh, my God.

00:44:08 Squirrell
Right.

00:44:09 Hurst
But still, it's the haircuts and the clothes a little bit that kind of...

00:44:14 Hurst
give it away.

00:44:14 Hurst
But everything else about it is still absolutely on point.

00:44:18 Squirrell
Yep.

00:44:19 Squirrell
And like you said, Sigourney was not even touted as the star of the film when it came out.

00:44:24 Squirrell
That was John Skerritt, Tom Skerritt, that everybody thought was going to be the lead.

00:44:29 Squirrell
He was billed first.

00:44:30 Squirrell
Then he dies halfway through.

00:44:31 Squirrell
And Sigourney's the only one left.

00:44:33 Squirrell
Pretty much unknown at the time.

00:44:34 Squirrell
She'd done one film before that, but nothing that anyone would have really seen.

00:44:38 Squirrell
This obviously launched her into superstardom because she did a

00:44:41 Squirrell
******* immense job.

00:44:42 Squirrell
They all did.

00:44:43 Squirrell
They all did fantastic jobs.

00:44:45 Squirrell
And it was just an excellent film.

00:44:49 Squirrell
The kind of symbolism of getting face ****** and pregnant, for want of a better phrase.

00:44:56 Squirrell
And yeah, cheeky old Ash not being who they thought he was.

00:45:02 Squirrell
Oh, no, he's trying to help it all along.

00:45:04 Squirrell
Just, yeah, spoilers.

00:45:05 Squirrell
Yeah, it's ******* great.

00:45:06 Squirrell
I could talk about it.

00:45:07 Squirrell
As you well know for many, many hours, Herr Serge, you'll say

00:45:11 Squirrell
the rancors of that and just **** and the fact and an estimated fact at you.

00:45:16 Squirrell
Are you ready?

00:45:17 Squirrell
I'm so ready.

00:45:18 Squirrell
All right.

00:45:18 Squirrell
Fact.

00:45:19 Squirrell
To make the spaceship look bigger when they first went outside it on LV46, the moon they landed on, Ridley Scott dressed children up in spacesuits and filmed them from far away to make it all look bigger.

00:45:29 Squirrell
They were actually his kids.

00:45:31 Squirrell
Or fact.

00:45:33 Squirrell
Geiger's Necronomicon, which was the book that the original Xenomorph design came from.

00:45:39 Squirrell
The first print of that sold for over $2 million that was meant to go to charity, but never did because of Hollywood shenanigans, which you can read about.

00:45:50 Squirrell
Well, you would be able to read about it if it was a fact, I guess, or not.

00:45:55 Squirrell
Shut up.

00:45:56 Squirrell
What do you think is the one?

00:45:59 Squirrell
Wow.

00:46:02 Hurst
I'm gonna say it's the second one is the fact, because we've already discussed how god-awful Hollywood shenanigans are.

00:46:10 Hurst
And you did some good acting if it wasn't real around looking stuff up.

00:46:15 Hurst
Mwah.

00:46:16 Squirrell
Mwah! It's the first one, *****!

00:46:21 Squirrell
Yes, I'm afraid the second one was entirely made-up as I've tricked you because it's Halloween trick and or treat and you got tricked.

00:46:29 Squirrell
It was kids in spacesuits.

00:46:31 Squirrell
The second one, yeah, nothing.

00:46:32 Squirrell
The Neconomic can't exist and it does have a picture of an alien in it, but I don't get anywhere over sold or anything like that.

00:46:38 Squirrell
But they sold them.

00:46:39 Squirrell
You can buy them.

00:46:39 Squirrell
They're really expensive.

00:46:40 Squirrell
I'd like a copy, but they're power expensive now.

00:46:42 Squirrell
But there you are.

00:46:44 Squirrell
Cool.

00:46:45 Squirrell
There's our list, Rankers.

00:46:47 Squirrell
One of us is right, but it's time to find out who.

00:46:49 Squirrell
How can they do that?

00:46:50 Squirrell
How can they help us?

00:46:51 Squirrell
Tell us, tell everyone.

00:46:53 Hurst
What they need to do, Squirrel, is they need to go to topfivefaceoff.co.uk and start smashing that vote button.

00:47:01 Hurst
See, I've used internet vernacular.

00:47:03 Hurst
Smash that vote button.

00:47:04 Squirrell
You can only really smash it once.

00:47:06 Hurst
Yeah, but smash it proper.

00:47:07 Squirrell
Okay.

00:47:08 Hurst
Be nice if you left us a little note as well, might get read out on our next show.

00:47:12 Hurst
If you write something cool or if not many people write something, you can write pretty much anything and get read out.

00:47:17 Squirrell
Yeah, that's true.

00:47:18 Squirrell
That's true.

00:47:18 Squirrell
We don't hold comments to high standards.

00:47:24 Squirrell
If you take the time to write to us, we'll take the time to read it out.

00:47:27 Hurst
The real challenge is to try and get a comment in before Meg does.

00:47:30 Squirrell
Yes.

00:47:30 Squirrell
Speaking of our Rankers Hearst, I need to announce the winner of the contest that we were running during our break.

00:47:35 Squirrell
Everybody that put a shout out on social media about the podcast was in with a chance of winning three months of premium...

00:47:42 Squirrell
Pod, what's it called?

00:47:43 Squirrell
Good premiums.

00:47:44 Squirrell
Oh **** I need to try to say it's premium Patreon goodness.

00:47:48 Hurst
An official Supporter Hub membership for three whole months.

00:47:52 Squirrell
Official Supporter Hub.

00:47:54 Squirrell
So I've got the list here.

00:47:56 Squirrell
I've got it in Excel.

00:47:57 Squirrell
I'm going to order by Rand.

00:47:59 Squirrell
Ha ha!

00:48:03 Squirrell
Meg.

00:48:04 Squirrell
Yay.

00:48:04 Squirrell
Hey, Meg.

00:48:05 Hurst
We were all rooting for Meg.

00:48:07 Squirrell
Meg98, you are now an official member of the Supporter Hub.

00:48:12 Squirrell
We will shout your name out along with the other official supporters who are Kovach and Davpaz.

00:48:19 Squirrell
Thank you very much for your support.

00:48:21 Squirrell
Thank you to all of our Patrons, but especially those ones because they pay extra, so we thank them more.

00:48:25 Squirrell
That's literally the deal.

00:48:27 Hurst
Yeah.

00:48:28 Squirrell
Now, Hers, shall we actually spin the wheel this time round and find out what we're going to be doing on the next episode?

00:48:36 Hurst
Share that screen.

00:48:37 Hurst
I want to see.

00:48:38 Squirrell
Hers, can you see the wheel of decision?

00:48:40 Hurst
I can see it.

00:48:41 Hurst
We've got some good stuff on there.

00:48:42 Hurst
We've got top five ABBA songs, top five chick flicks.

00:48:45 Hurst
I'm really keen on that one.

00:48:47 Hurst
I still want to do the top five kitchen implements.

00:48:50 Hurst
We're putting a new kitchen in right now.

00:48:52 Hurst
We're living in basically a construction site, so I can get all of the kitchen implements out the shed and have

00:48:57 Hurst
good rummage through those.

00:48:59 Hurst
Oh, movie opening sequences.

00:49:01 Hurst
Oh, really long films.

00:49:04 Hurst
**** ***.

00:49:05 Hurst
Three hours.

00:49:06 Hurst
I've got to sit.

00:49:08 Squirrell
Someone has done that specifically because Hers has said in the past that he thinks all films should be an hour and a half max.

00:49:15 Hurst
No, comedy should be an hour and a half.

00:49:16 Hurst
Everything else should be up to two hours.

00:49:18 Squirrell
Okay.

00:49:18 Hurst
Like super epics, fine if you must go on for three, but.

00:49:22 Squirrell
Well, you're going to have to find some if it comes in.

00:49:24 Hurst
This should not be the norm as it is

00:49:27 Hurst
seeming to become.

00:49:28 Hurst
Stupid three hours.

00:49:29 Squirrell
Shall we find out, Hurst?

00:49:30 Hurst
Oh God, it's gonna be that, isn't it?

00:49:32 Hurst
Yep, spin it.

00:49:34 Squirrell
And off it goes.

00:49:36 Hurst
Top five songs from Dirty Dancing.

00:49:37 Hurst
Good stuff.

00:49:38 Squirrell
Ooh, it was close to that one, but it isn't.

00:49:40 Squirrell
It is top five poke...post...fuck it.

00:49:43 Hurst
Post-apocalypse movies and TV.

00:49:46 Squirrell
Top five post-apocalyptic...

00:49:48 Squirrell
The **** I can't say it, Hurst, let alone rank it.

00:49:50 Squirrell
Top five post-apocalypse movies slash TV shows.

00:49:56 Squirrell
Oh, I'm sure there was something, except the Matrix.

00:50:00 Squirrell
I'm pretty sure it was in brackets on that.

00:50:03 Squirrell
Because otherwise the Matrix is just going to win again, presumably.

00:50:06 Hurst
That would be boring.

00:50:07 Hurst
No, it would.

00:50:08 Hurst
There's quite a lot out there.

00:50:09 Squirrell
A lot to choose from there, yeah.

00:50:11 Hurst
Because it's got like the sci-fi versions.

00:50:14 Hurst
It's got the new explosions, zombies.

00:50:17 Hurst
It's got all sorts, hasn't it?

00:50:20 Squirrell
What do we normally say at the end of this thing, Hurst?

00:50:21 Squirrell
Hurst, you sell art.

00:50:22 Squirrell
In fact, I was there when you sold quite a lot of art at a recent weekend, a couple of weekends, actually.

00:50:29 Squirrell
Have you got any art left?

00:50:30 Hurst
Yeah, I've got plenty of art left.

00:50:31 Hurst
I've set up the new website and I'm doing my best to try and actually make a living out of this now.

00:50:38 Hurst
So rankers, it's doghouseart.co.uk.

00:50:41 Hurst
But if you want to follow dog.house.art on the likes of Instagram, it would help because apparently algorithms and stuff

00:50:50 Hurst
So I'm posting lots of stuff and trying to get people to follow it so more people will see it.

00:50:55 Hurst
And I don't really know how it works, but I've got a team of people now that produce, not my team, I have a team of a company that I work with for my website that produce lots of marketing stuff.

00:51:07 Hurst
So I'm just doing what they say.

00:51:10 Hurst
You've got to have a good run at these things.

00:51:12 Hurst
If you've at least done everything right, if it doesn't work out, you can't say, well, I should have done more.

00:51:17 Squirrell
Fair enough.

00:51:18 Squirrell
Specifically, you have to go to www.dogghouseart.co.uk.

00:51:21 Squirrell
It won't work without it because apparently you work with amateurs now.

00:51:24 Squirrell
Gosh.

00:51:25 Squirrell
Yes.

00:51:26 Squirrell
But the W's in rankers?

00:51:28 Hurst
Dub dub dub.

00:51:29 Squirrell
Old school.

00:51:29 Squirrell
Do it.

00:51:30 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:51:31 Squirrell
Dog house.

00:51:31 Squirrell
Old school indeed.

00:51:32 Squirrell
Excellent rankers.

00:51:33 Squirrell
Tune in next time for post-apocalyptic movies and TV shows.

00:51:37 Squirrell
And please rewind this podcast for the next person that comes along.

00:51:41 Hurst
Don't forget to vote.

00:51:43 Squirrell
Don't forget to vote.

00:51:44 Squirrell
That's the important thing.

00:51:45 Squirrell
Do it now.

00:51:46 Squirrell
Do it right now.

00:51:47 Squirrell
stop what you're doing pull the car over or don't ******* live dangerously pull your phone out you'll be fine cars are safe nowadays.

00:51:54 Hurst
Do that safety first safety first under law or wake up or get out of the cinema because they don't like it when you're well you shouldn't be listening to us in the.

00:52:04 Squirrell
Cinema how bad is the film you're watching if you're listening to this in the cinema or watching a **** film please let us know rankers we would be thrilled to fire that we're gonna shut the **** ** now.

00:52:14 Hurst
But importantly go vote go vote.

00:52:16 Squirrell
Thanks rankers thanks for listening

00:52:17 Squirrell
We'll see you next time.

00:52:19 Hurst
Absolutely.

00:52:19 Hurst
Thanks for joining in.

00:52:21 Hurst
Love you.

00:52:25 Harriet
Top Five Faceoff is presented by Matt Hurst and Matt Squirrel and produced by Powerstorm Awesome Fire Incorporated.

00:52:32 Harriet
For more details and to vote for winner, visit topfivefaceoff.co.uk.

00:52:37 Harriet
Thanks for listening.

00:52:53 Robo-Katy Perry
Top Five Face Off Top Five Face Off Top Five Face Off Top Five Face Off.

00:53:08 Squirrell
What about the truck driver man?

00:53:09 Squirrell
What's he done wrong?

00:53:10 Squirrell
He just drives a truck for a living, he doesn't want someone stapled to his ****.

00:53:17 Hurst
Yeah, it's...

00:53:18 Hurst
**** that guy.

00:53:19 Squirrell
**** Tom Six.

00:53:20 Squirrell
**** you, Tom Six, if you're listening.

00:53:22 Hurst
Yeah, **** you, Tom Six.

00:53:23 Squirrell
We don't need you to listen.

00:53:24 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:53:24 Squirrell
Stop listening.

00:53:25 Squirrell
We do.

00:53:26 Squirrell
Do you want our Patreon, Tom Six?

00:53:27 Hurst
No, no, we don't want your money.

00:53:29 Hurst
We don't want your money.

00:53:30 Squirrell
I want your money, Tom.

00:53:31 Squirrell
He doesn't want your money because I pay for everything.

00:53:34 Hurst
Pay us.

00:53:34 Hurst
Turn off your Spotify right now, Tom Six.

00:53:37 Hurst
Never tune in, never darken up.

00:53:38 Hurst
Give us money if you must, but stop listening.

00:53:40 Squirrell
Oh yeah, you could be in our Patreon, but you're not allowed to listen, and we certainly don't want your ranking opinion.

00:53:46 Squirrell
no your is not welcome all right cool nuts you're right to the time machine Malcs Malcs we need a time machine let's get it done yeah thanks Daddy needs his dollar I don't know why I call myself Daddy wow okay well you Malc we're your parents now

00:54:08 Squirrell
I don't think we're allowed it, really, are we?

00:54:10 Squirrell
There are some post-apocalyptic scenes, but the majority of the movie takes place.

00:54:14 Hurst
If it feels like cheating, it's cheating.

00:54:16 Squirrell
If it feels like cheating, it's cheating.

00:54:18 Squirrell
Remember that when you start touching people that you should.

00:54:25 Squirrell
What the **** are the other one?

00:54:29 Squirrell
You can buy them.

00:54:30 Squirrell
They're really expensive.

00:54:30 Squirrell
I'd like a copy, but they're power expensive now.

00:54:33 Squirrell
There you go.

00:54:34 Hurst
Start a Kickstarter.

00:54:35 Hurst
Come on, Rankers.

00:54:36 Hurst
Get him his Necronomicon.

00:54:37 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:54:38 Squirrell
I mean, how much would I even need?

00:54:40 Squirrell
This will go in the outdates.

00:54:44 Squirrell
This is boring as ****.

00:54:45 Squirrell
Can you just buy it on Amazon?

00:54:46 Squirrell
Yes, I can.

00:54:47 Squirrell
And 780 pounds, please, Rankers.

00:54:50 Squirrell
Let's see.

00:54:51 Hurst
Come on, Rankers.

00:54:51 Hurst
We can team up.

00:54:52 Squirrell
There we go.

00:54:53 Hurst
So I can- If every single one of you contributes about 50 quid, we might get there.

00:54:58 Squirrell
Which is down in price.

00:54:59 Squirrell
It was in August 922.

00:55:02 Squirrell
So, you know, it's a bargain.

00:55:04 Squirrell
Act fast, Rankers.

00:55:05 Squirrell
That's sparks, that is.

00:55:06 Squirrell
Mm.

00:55:07 Squirrell
Beep.

00:55:11 Hurst
Well, I think what they need to do is go to www.not.houseart because that's something different.

00:55:20 Hurst
****.