S02E09: Biscuits

Transcript

00:00:00 Hurst
I'm trying to be more positive about everything.

00:00:04 Hurst
It's not always easy.

00:00:06 Squirrell
The irony of that statement! I'm trying to be more positive about everything.

00:00:11 Squirrell
It's not always easy.

00:00:12 Harriet
A top five face-off contains adult themes and language that some people may find defensive.

00:00:21 Harriet
Listener discretion is advised.

00:00:23 Squirrell
He's Matt Hurst.

00:00:24 Hurst
He's Matt Squirrel.

00:00:25 Squirrell
And this is Top Five Face-Off, the official world rankings of everything.

00:00:29 Squirrell
What are we ranking today, Hurst?

00:00:31 Hurst
Well, Squirrel, today we shall be ranking the top five biscuits.

00:00:35 Squirrell
That's coming right up after this.

00:00:52 Robo-Katy Perry
If there's more than one then there's a best and a worst.

00:00:54 Robo-Katy Perry
If there's more than five, call Squirrel and Hearst.

00:00:58 Robo-Katy Perry
It's the top on face-off.

00:01:00 Robo-Katy Perry
The actual fact.

00:01:01 Robo-Katy Perry
It's the top on face-off.

00:01:03 Robo-Katy Perry
The facts are exact.

00:01:05 Robo-Katy Perry
Top five face-off.

00:01:07 Robo-Katy Perry
Top five face-off.

00:01:09 Robo-Katy Perry
Official world ranking.

00:01:11 Robo-Katy Perry
What's next?

00:01:11 Robo-Katy Perry
You decide.

00:01:14 Hurst
Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, or good night, Rankers.

00:01:17 Hurst
Welcome back, or if you're new to the show.

00:01:20 Hurst
Welcome for our new rankers, Squirrel.

00:01:22 Hurst
Why don't you tell them what we do here and why we do it?

00:01:24 Squirrell
Welcome to the show, new rankers, and a happy new year.

00:01:27 Squirrell
Happy new year to you as well, Hurst.

00:01:29 Hurst
Well, happy new year, Squirrel.

00:01:30 Squirrell
This is Top Five Faceoff, the official world rankings of everything each week.

00:01:34 Squirrell
We choose a random topic, which is suggested by our Patreons, and we rank the top five and the worst from that topic.

00:01:41 Squirrell
Then you, the ranker at home, go to our website, www..topfivefaceoff.co.uk and vote on which of us is correct.

00:01:49 Squirrell
And the winning vote becomes the official world ranking.

00:01:52 Hurst
Excellent stuff.

00:01:53 Hurst
But we're British, so we can't dive straight into the business end of things.

00:01:56 Squirrell
Nope.

00:01:56 Hurst
So how's the weather been?

00:01:59 Squirrell
Weather has been a good over Christmas.

00:02:01 Squirrell
It's been a long while since we've talked to you, actually, Rankers.

00:02:04 Squirrell
The pre-Christmas special wasn't actually us.

00:02:08 Squirrell
Spoiler.

00:02:08 Squirrell
So it's actually been around a month.

00:02:10 Squirrell
But yeah, it was ever so dry.

00:02:12 Squirrell
It was cold, but there has been no rain for like weeks and weeks and weeks, and then we've had some rain this week.

00:02:15 Squirrell
So there you are.

00:02:17 Hurst
Well, this end has been absolutely god-awful.

00:02:19 Hurst
or somehow both wet and icy at the same time with a wind chill of -4.

00:02:24 Hurst
It's just been ghastly.

00:02:26 Hurst
And we had a good old dusting of snow, which meant that I couldn't do my regular mind sweeping of the gardens.

00:02:32 Hurst
And I tell you now, guys, when you've got four dogs, regular mind sweeping of the garden is mandatory to avoid grimness.

00:02:39 Squirrell
You know, you can get robots that cut your lawn.

00:02:41 Squirrell
Is there a robot that can pick up dog poop?

00:02:44 Hurst
God, I hope so.

00:02:45 Squirrell
Bet you can get one from Teemu, which is terrible.

00:02:48 Hurst
Just sprays **** everywhere.

00:02:50 Squirrell
They are emerging psychedonides, primarily things like the poop copter, which is a drone nurse.

00:02:57 Squirrell
The poop copter.

00:02:58 Squirrell
And the ground-based beetle.

00:03:00 Squirrell
It's got like a big old upside down plastic mixing bowl on the bottom of a drone with scoopers that kind of come in from the side.

00:03:08 Squirrell
Then it flies off and drops it in a pile somewhere.

00:03:10 Squirrell
But ideally, you're next to a neighbor's house.

00:03:13 Hurst
Drop it on their roof.

00:03:16 Hurst
Anyway, as our Patreons will know, I got a robot vacuum slash mop thing for Christmas, which I called Guffy, which it turns out is a Eufy.

00:03:24 Squirrell
Oh, right.

00:03:24 Hurst
We got an absolute steal on that thing, mate.

00:03:26 Hurst
So I've been looking for them afterwards just to see which one it is.

00:03:29 Hurst
And they're all on offer at the minute for half price.

00:03:33 Hurst
at 400 pounds.

00:03:34 Squirrell
Yeah, they're really expensive.

00:03:36 Hurst
We got ours for 99.

00:03:37 Squirrell
God, bloody hell, that feels like it was definitely stolen.

00:03:40 Squirrell
Where did you get it from?

00:03:41 Hurst
I think it was a drop shipping thing because originally they sent us two absolute pieces of crap, children toys, and then Carly got all rage on them.

00:03:48 Hurst
And a few days later, we got a proper one.

00:03:51 Hurst
And I think it must have been one of those.

00:03:53 Hurst
They send out enough **** and the ratio of people that actually kick up a stink, people who accept the loss, probably make them some money, maybe.

00:04:02 Hurst
I don't know.

00:04:03 Hurst
But either way, you cannot find what we got for anywhere near what we got it for.

00:04:08 Hurst
So happy days.

00:04:09 Squirrell
So what's been going on besides hairs getting a bargain?

00:04:11 Squirrell
Well, it is, as indicated earlier, a new year.

00:04:14 Squirrell
Any resolutions for the year?

00:04:16 Squirrell
Do you do them?

00:04:17 Hurst
I don't so much because I think it was through doing Bushido.

00:04:21 Hurst
Well, every day is the start of the new year.

00:04:23 Hurst
So why wait till the beginning of January?

00:04:26 Hurst
When you think of something good to do, just start doing it.

00:04:29 Squirrell
Exactly.

00:04:29 Hurst
I'm trying to be more positive about everything.

00:04:33 Hurst
It's not always easy.

00:04:34 Squirrell
The irony of that statement.

00:04:38 Squirrell
I tried to be more positive about everything.

00:04:40 Squirrell
It's not always easy.

00:04:48 Squirrell
I was thinking of putting a particularly funny bit up right as the very first thing that happened on the podcast.

00:04:53 Squirrell
And I think I just found it.

00:04:55 Hurst
But I realized as I got to the point when I was thinking, what's been gripping my ****?

00:04:59 Hurst
It's like, you know what?

00:05:00 Hurst
Not because I'm more positive these days.

00:05:03 Hurst
And then I was just going to the loo and I thought, oh, you know what's really been gripping my ****?

00:05:07 Hurst
Oh no, he's back.

00:05:08 Hurst
He's back.

00:05:08 Hurst
I'm seeing as we're talking about it, might as well let you know what it is.

00:05:12 Hurst
It's how the Christmas staple foods and things like the snacks have been shrink plated and been generally made less good than they were.

00:05:20 Hurst
I mean, roses is the obvious one of those big tins.

00:05:22 Squirrell
You get fewer chocolates than them now then.

00:05:25 Hurst
Holy ****.

00:05:26 Squirrell
Is there any science to that at all, or is it entirely anecdotal?

00:05:30 Hurst
No, it's absolutely.

00:05:31 Squirrell
Could it be that Carly's eating twice as many?

00:05:33 Hurst
No, because remember the thing that made me feel older, it's all blended so nicely.

00:05:37 Hurst
Do you remember when tins of roses were tins rather than plastic tubs?

00:05:41 Hurst
And they were white with a purple trim rather than mostly purple, and they were they were a kilo, like 1.2 kilo.

00:05:48 Squirrell
I don't remember them being white.

00:05:51 Hurst
I mean, that's a nostalgic thing, but yeah, that I was thinking, man, that's all gone to.

00:05:55 Hurst
pieces, but I'm used to that now.

00:05:56 Hurst
I've seen each year they're getting smaller and ****** and they're making the packaging bigger and so you get less for your money.

00:06:02 Hurst
But the thing that got me this year was the Twiglets, man.

00:06:05 Hurst
You had Twiglets this year?

00:06:06 Squirrell
I think I got like a plastic bucket of the Twiglets.

00:06:09 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:06:10 Hurst
They are about...

00:06:11 Hurst
They're half as thick as they used to be.

00:06:13 Squirrell
Twiggles themselves, you reckon?

00:06:16 Hurst
Yeah, they are.

00:06:17 Hurst
They used to be, have like more air in the middle.

00:06:20 Hurst
They had a better shape to them and now they're just so skinny.

00:06:23 Hurst
I always used to pretend when I was young that I was the Rankle off of Empire Strikes Back and I'd put the Twiggle in my mouth and then I'd crunch it like the Rankle crunches that bone.

00:06:33 Hurst
Well, now that's just not, even a kid would look at that and go, well,

00:06:37 Hurst
That's no bone.

00:06:38 Hurst
I'm no wrinkle.

00:06:39 Squirrell
Right.

00:06:40 Hurst
Anyway, there's my positivity.

00:06:42 Squirrell
I haven't particularly noticed, I gotta say, I don't buy boxes of chalk.

00:06:47 Squirrell
I find those chalkers are generally bad, like whether they be heroes or *******.

00:06:52 Hurst
Celebrations.

00:06:53 Squirrell
Celebrations.

00:06:54 Squirrell
**** *** celebrations, they're teeny tiny.

00:06:56 Squirrell
If it was celebrated, they'd be enormous.

00:07:00 Hurst
More of a polite cricket clap than a celebration.

00:07:03 Squirrell
Yeah, right, exactly that.

00:07:04 Squirrell
It's like those bags of, yeah, all right, this is now gripping my ****.

00:07:07 Squirrell
It's like those bags of M&M's you get and they're like treat size, but you get like nine when you pour them out.

00:07:13 Squirrell
They're mostly bag and very good M&M's.

00:07:16 Squirrell
It's like they're just what the packet of M&M's used to be before they now treat size.

00:07:21 Squirrell
It's not treat size, treat size if I can finish then there's

00:07:23 Squirrell
Not enough.

00:07:25 Hurst
So I used to call them fun sites in there.

00:07:27 Hurst
It's like there's nothing fun about the Mars bar that I can inhale.

00:07:34 Squirrell
Right.

00:07:36 Squirrell
Do you think this might have something to do with why we are particularly shaped gentlemen?

00:07:42 Hurst
I just think that's a middle-aged spread.

00:07:44 Hurst
That's completely out of our control.

00:07:46 Squirrell
Completely out of our control.

00:07:48 Squirrell
It's not because we're hammering every energy drink that's ever been made.

00:07:52 Hurst
To wash down all the twiglets and roses and celebration.

00:07:55 Squirrell
I feel twiglets are quite healthy in the grand scheme of things.

00:07:59 Squirrell
And interesting for you for this week, I suspect they're technically biscuits in the way you cook them and make them.

00:08:06 Hurst
Let's not start the clip.

00:08:07 Squirrell
Let's not go there.

00:08:08 Hurst
Let's not.

00:08:09 Squirrell
Let us know, Malcs, if you know how Twiglets are made, because I know they are baked, but they're baked what?

00:08:13 Squirrell
Let us know, Malcs.

00:08:14 Squirrell
Should we talk about what went on last episode, Hurst.

00:08:17 Hurst
Yes, let's.

00:08:19 Squirrell
Yes, you and I were discussing Christmas movies, but we sounded distinctly different.

00:08:22 Squirrell
Bit weird.

00:08:24 Squirrell
Bit weird.

00:08:24 Hurst
Squirrel and Hastick Christmas movies.

00:08:26 Squirrell
Squirrel and Hastick Christmas movies.

00:08:27 Squirrell
Obviously a big thank you to our wives who did a fantastic job.

00:08:31 Squirrell
Really brought out the scum of the internet in the comments.

00:08:33 Squirrell
Jesus Christ, what it must be like to be a woman online.

00:08:37 Squirrell
******* obviously I'm not reading these out, you ******* weirdos.

00:08:40 Squirrell
Anyway, there are some that I will read out, not that one.

00:08:42 Squirrell
We're going to have to have an offline session after this.

00:08:47 Squirrell
I'll just tell you right now, but then we'll skip over it.

00:08:49 Harriet
A few moments later.

00:08:51 Squirrell
Now, if that wasn't you, it was me.

00:08:56 Harriet
What?

00:08:56 Harriet
Twelve seconds later.

00:08:57 Squirrell
Cool.

00:08:58 Squirrell
Let's have some votes.

00:08:59 Squirrell
Hey, guess who's first?

00:09:00 Squirrell
Test.

00:09:02 Hurst
Meg 98.

00:09:02 Squirrell
I love the lists.

00:09:04 Squirrell
I love the new voices you guys are trying out, but I didn't love the lack of Mean Girls.

00:09:09 Squirrell
Shame from Meg 98.

00:09:11 Squirrell
Sorry, Meg.

00:09:11 Hurst
Is Mean Girls a Christmas movie?

00:09:14 Squirrell
Well, you've probably seen them doing their Christmas dance dressed as Santa Clauses to walking in a winter wonderland.

00:09:21 Squirrell
Tell Meg, don't tell me.

00:09:22 Squirrell
Anyway, she did vote for Squirrel on that one.

00:09:25 Squirrell
Here's a vote for Hearst.

00:09:26 Squirrell
Good list, Mrs.

00:09:27 Squirrell
Hearst.

00:09:28 Squirrell
I'm not one for smushy Christmas films either, says Katie.

00:09:32 Squirrell
Thanks, Katie.

00:09:33 Squirrell
Another one for Hurst.

00:09:34 Squirrell
It is certainly close and I would watch all of these except Elf.

00:09:38 Squirrell
Shock.

00:09:39 Squirrell
The kids love Home Alone and try to make similar contraptions at home, mainly with sellotape.

00:09:45 Squirrell
Also added Back to the Future to the watch list this year from Onra, ******* hell.

00:09:54 Squirrell
Andra.

00:09:55 Hurst
It might have been her, she's just started listening, so.

00:09:57 Squirrell
Squirrel, love the new presenters.

00:09:59 Squirrell
Other than Die Hard, this is my favourite list after Christmas has just been in.

00:10:03 Squirrell
Banks, Cove.

00:10:04 Squirrell
Banks, Cove.

00:10:05 Squirrell
Hearst, I feel like something was different this week.

00:10:08 Squirrell
Can't put my finger on it.

00:10:09 Squirrell
Anyway, Hearst wins hands down.

00:10:11 Squirrell
Easiest win ever by far from Money Slinger.

00:10:14 Hurst
Nice, well done, Money Slinger.

00:10:15 Squirrell
I'll tell the wife.

00:10:17 Squirrell
A vote for Squirrel.

00:10:17 Squirrell
Only one person chose Christmas films, says Ohio.

00:10:24 Squirrell
Ohio coming with the handbag, which is probably not going to make any sense to Ohio because they're from America.

00:10:29 Squirrell
And if we went, oh, handbag, they're not going to have a ******* clue.

00:10:32 Squirrell
What is that?

00:10:33 Squirrell
Shooting Stars?

00:10:34 Squirrell
Oh, I don't know.

00:10:37 Squirrell
I think Vic and Bob did it in Shooting Stars, didn't they?

00:10:40 Squirrell
Maybe.

00:10:41 Squirrell
Another vote for Squirrel.

00:10:42 Squirrell
Though I do my wrapping up to Die Hard, Squirrel edged this one with the inclusion of Arthur Christmas, which I've watched with the kids since they were small, and last Christmas that we only discovered recently.

00:10:53 Squirrell
That is an anonymous comment.

00:10:55 Squirrell
Thanks, Aidan.

00:10:56 Hurst
We actually watched Arthur Christmas after that episode.

00:10:59 Hurst
We've not seen.

00:10:59 Hurst
What did you think?

00:11:00 Hurst
It was really good, actually.

00:11:01 Hurst
It's good.

00:11:03 Hurst
I did enjoy it.

00:11:03 Squirrell
Trooper votes for Hurst, says standard route one approach, take the win, move on.

00:11:08 Squirrell
Brilliant.

00:11:09 Squirrell
Alright, thanks Trooper.

00:11:10 Squirrell
Another vote for Hearst.

00:11:11 Squirrell
I tend not to like the hallmark style of Christmas films, and despite two films only being okay, I really like the action films listed, so Hearst wins easily for me.

00:11:20 Squirrell
That's anonymous as well.

00:11:22 Squirrell
But your name's on these things, Veranka, so we don't know who you are.

00:11:25 Squirrell
And finally, Dafaz here, voting for Squirrel this week for a solid selection of Christmas whimsy.

00:11:31 Squirrell
I do enjoy the occasional left-field seasonal movie, and Die Hard is a staple in the Paz house, but Christmas is for warming my heart.

00:11:39 Squirrell
Best wishes, Dafbaz Belles.

00:11:42 Squirrell
Thanks, Dafbaz.

00:11:44 Hurst
Excellent.

00:11:44 Hurst
So, what are the scores?

00:11:46 Squirrell
Hurst got 20 votes.

00:11:48 Hurst
It's decent.

00:11:48 Hurst
That's often a winner.

00:11:49 Squirrell
It is.

00:11:50 Squirrell
It's a lot.

00:11:51 Squirrell
Well, scroll got 17, Hurst, so you are incorrect.

00:11:54 Squirrell
There you are.

00:11:55 Squirrell
It was fairly close, but desert in the end, horror movies is what you want at Christmas.

00:12:01 Squirrell
So, Hertz, what were the top five Christmas movies?

00:12:05 Squirrell
Well, Squirrel, they were...

00:12:08 Squirrell
Die Hard at #5.

00:12:11 Squirrell
Coming in at #4, Gremlins.

00:12:15 Squirrell
Number 3, Violent Night.

00:12:19 Squirrell
Number 2, Elf.

00:12:23 Squirrell
And #1, the all-time greatest Christmas movie, is All Belong.

00:12:35 Hurst
Pretty sure that I said 20 is normally a winner, right?

00:12:38 Squirrell
Oh, yeah.

00:12:38 Squirrell
Is that what you said?

00:12:39 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:12:40 Squirrell
OK, then well done.

00:12:41 Hurst
You threw me a curve for it.

00:12:42 Hurst
He said, you're wrong, Hurst, but Hurst wins.

00:12:44 Hurst
It's like, wait, what?

00:12:45 Squirrell
I thought you said, well, let's do that again.

00:12:47 Squirrell
No, that's not.

00:12:48 Squirrell
**** it.

00:12:49 Squirrell
We've already spent long enough on this.

00:12:51 Squirrell
is recording #4, a quick peek behind the curtains, Rankers.

00:12:54 Squirrell
It's not been going well today.

00:12:55 Squirrell
We've not recorded the whole thing four times.

00:12:58 Squirrell
We just keep having to record a bit.

00:12:59 Hurst
That's tech-based though, isn't it?

00:13:01 Hurst
keeps cutting us off.

00:13:02 Hurst
It's not really.

00:13:03 Squirrell
Oh yeah, it's not us-based, I think.

00:13:05 Squirrell
And anyway, touch wood, it does appear to be working okay right now.

00:13:09 Squirrell
So Hurst, should we get ranking quick before it breaks again?

00:13:11 Squirrell
Let's do it.

00:13:16 Squirrell
Hurst, look what I dug out from behind my computer.

00:13:18 Squirrell
It is the OG Coin of Destiny.

00:13:21 Hurst
Thank goodness for that.

00:13:22 Squirrell
How do we know who goes first when I flip this coin, Hurst.

00:13:25 Hurst
That's simple enough.

00:13:25 Hurst
Heads to Hurst, squirrels have tails.

00:13:27 Squirrell
We'll know it's the OG one if it chooses heads, because it always ******* does.

00:13:31 Squirrell
No tails.

00:13:31 Squirrell
Oh, well, must have found a different one about there.

00:13:33 Squirrell
Squirrels have tails.

00:13:35 Hurst
Well, before we dive in, we need to probably discuss biscuits is a pretty broad one.

00:13:39 Hurst
We get quite a lot of ambiguous topics, and then between us we decide what's right.

00:13:44 Squirrell
Yes.

00:13:45 Hurst
Biscuits.

00:13:46 Hurst
There are packs of biscuits, there are individually wrapped biscuit bars, there are crackers, there's all sorts of things.

00:13:52 Hurst
So we had to try and figure out what was what really as we went through our lists.

00:13:57 Hurst
We decided that wrapped biscuits, things like penguins, Kit Kats, Twixes, anything that's individually wrapped within its multi-pack is probably not a fair biscuit.

00:14:08 Squirrell
Yeah, we go for packets of biscuits, right?

00:14:11 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:14:11 Squirrell
And I know technically those are packeted, but yeah.

00:14:15 Hurst
They're not in the spirit

00:14:16 Hurst
biscuits.

00:14:17 Squirrell
That's what we often say to this is if it feels wrong it probably is wrong and a penguin just feels wrong.

00:14:23 Squirrell
It doesn't feel like it deserves an atop biscuit.

00:14:25 Hurst
Yeah.

00:14:26 Hurst
And we didn't even have to argue on that.

00:14:27 Hurst
We were both just on the same page.

00:14:29 Squirrell
No, both aligned with that.

00:14:30 Squirrell
And at the same time, some of the best biscuits you can eat are homemade by people.

00:14:33 Squirrell
We're not including them either.

00:14:34 Squirrell
You've got to be able to buy them from the supermarket, Rankers.

00:14:37 Squirrell
You've got to be able to go join in.

00:14:38 Hurst
Yeah, that's another thing as well, is that you can buy a bag of cookies, but it doesn't feel like a pack of biscuits, even though you can buy like cookies.

00:14:45 Squirrell
Yeah, it's a weird one, Rankers, we get it.

00:14:47 Squirrell
So bear with us as we throw our top five biscuits at you.

00:14:52 Squirrell
And I wrote my list some time ago, because we were originally going to do this in

00:14:55 Squirrell
November, I think.

00:14:57 Squirrell
Or maybe early December.

00:14:58 Hurst
I think it was going to be the first December one, wasn't it?

00:15:01 Squirrell
That's right.

00:15:01 Squirrell
Which is, and mine was ready to go then.

00:15:04 Squirrell
But I hadn't decided on my #5.

00:15:05 Squirrell
And right now I'm looking at 2 biscuits of an ore in the middle of the one.

00:15:08 Squirrell
I haven't made a choice because I haven't looked at this list for ******* ages.

00:15:12 Hurst
Better dive in, mate.

00:15:13 Hurst
You got to make a decision.

00:15:14 Hurst
The coin of destiny chose you.

00:15:16 Hurst
Tell us what it is.

00:15:17 Hurst
What's #5.

00:15:18 Squirrell
Digestives.

00:15:19 Squirrell
Digestives.

00:15:19 Squirrell
Digestives.

00:15:20 Squirrell
Straight digestives.

00:15:21 Squirrell
The choice was chocolate digestives or digestives.

00:15:24 Squirrell
And I think I'm gonna include normal digestives.

00:15:27 Squirrell
There's plenty of chocolate coming on my list, which is part of the reason for that.

00:15:30 Squirrell
But I do love a normal digestive.

00:15:32 Squirrell
I get that they're not exactly exciting and I can scram them down on my own, but if you bang cheese on them, oh yeah.

00:15:40 Squirrell
They're the only biscuit that really, yeah, digestive biscuits and cheese.

00:15:45 Squirrell
I think that's originally what they were for, right?

00:15:48 Squirrell
But I'm happy to slam them in my mouth.

00:15:50 Hurst
They're also like the official, I think when you're making s'mores, they are the official biscuit of s'mores, aren't they?

00:15:55 Squirrell
Yeah, graham crackers.

00:15:56 Squirrell
But we don't have them in this country, so we have to put up with digestives.

00:15:59 Squirrell
Graham crackers are more like Ritz crackers, to be honest.

00:16:02 Hurst
Interesting.

00:16:02 Hurst
I've only ever had them in this country and they've always been digestives.

00:16:05 Hurst
They just have them.

00:16:06 Hurst
Well, they're kind of like a blank canvas, aren't they?

00:16:08 Hurst
They're a multi-tall of a biscuit.

00:16:11 Squirrell
But not in a bad way.

00:16:12 Squirrell
And some people put butter on them.

00:16:14 Squirrell
Okay, that's up to them.

00:16:15 Squirrell
They taste all right.

00:16:16 Squirrell
But yeah, just

00:16:18 Squirrell
Viti's digestive is important.

00:16:19 Squirrell
It has to be Viti's and not ****** digesters from the supermarket, which just don't have the correct texture, in my opinion.

00:16:26 Squirrell
But there we are, #5.

00:16:28 Hurst
You know what, that is an interesting point because there are some, I would consider digestives to be a Hall of Fame biscuit.

00:16:35 Hurst
And a lot of Hall of Fame biscuits, which supermarkets would have their own brands of.

00:16:41 Hurst
There's very little to call between it, but I absolutely agree on digestives.

00:16:44 Hurst
They do need to be McPitty.

00:16:46 Squirrell
Yes, indeed.

00:16:47 Hurst
Fantastic.

00:16:48 Hurst
Good call.

00:16:48 Hurst
My #5 is also a hall of fame.

00:16:50 Hurst
I've chosen custard creams.

00:16:52 Hurst
They are classic and they are one that actually does well from a supermarket brand.

00:16:56 Hurst
I can pick up a custard cream from anywhere and wouldn't say, oh, that's not an original.

00:17:00 Hurst
When I was doing my rating of them and all of our Patreons would at some point see all of the ratings I did on that big box of biscuits that Carly got me for Christmas.

00:17:08 Hurst
I rated them by taste, consistency, dunking, because I am a tea drinker and I know squirrel isn't.

00:17:14 Hurst
They need to be, have an element of dunking to see what they're really made of and what kind of difference it can make.

00:17:20 Hurst
So for example, like a rich tea, if you dunk it, comes out a completely different consistency, which is quite clever and some just aren't.

00:17:27 Hurst
can't dunkable.

00:17:28 Hurst
Things like fig rolls, you just, you can't dunk them.

00:17:30 Hurst
Anyway, I digress.

00:17:32 Hurst
So custard creams have great taste and excellent dunking.

00:17:35 Hurst
It's a top consistency with the cream counteracting the dryness, whilst adding a sweet vanilla flair.

00:17:41 Hurst
It's a good biscuit.

00:17:42 Hurst
It's one of the ones that you can eat on your own and it's not too dry.

00:17:45 Hurst
So it's a good standalone or it's great with a cup of tea.

00:17:48 Hurst
So #5 for me, custard creams.

00:17:50 Squirrell
All righty.

00:17:52 Squirrell
Yeah, what I was going to say about custard creams is basically what you said.

00:17:54 Squirrell
You can get the value ones from the supermarket and they still taste pretty much the same as nearly all the other custard creams.

00:18:02 Squirrell
Unless you buy the chocolate covered custard creams from M&S or something like that.

00:18:07 Squirrell
Number 4 for me, chocolate covered custard creams from M&S.

00:18:11 Squirrell
which are custard creams on steroids.

00:18:15 Squirrell
They are incredible.

00:18:16 Squirrell
They are three pounds a pack.

00:18:19 Squirrell
And that was while I was working at Akano, so they may well have gone up in price or down in size by then.

00:18:24 Squirrell
But imagine like a normal custard cream from the supermarket.

00:18:27 Squirrell
Now triple the amount of the cream bit in the middle, then dunk the entire thing in chocolate

00:18:32 Squirrell
and then stick it in a packet.

00:18:33 Hurst
What?

00:18:34 Hurst
I think I have had these.

00:18:35 Hurst
I think Carly brought them home one time and they were sensational.

00:18:38 Hurst
I'd entirely forgotten about them.

00:18:39 Squirrell
They are like crack.

00:18:41 Squirrell
They are amazing.

00:18:42 Squirrell
They are my #4.

00:18:44 Squirrell
I don't think I need to talk about them any more than that.

00:18:46 Squirrell
Get yourself to M&S and buy these and some more that are going to be mentioned in a minute.

00:18:52 Hurst
Good call.

00:18:52 Hurst
Those are great.

00:18:53 Hurst
I would need to get back on those.

00:18:54 Hurst
They are pricey, but as a treat for sure.

00:18:57 Hurst
So my #4, party rings.

00:18:59 Hurst
I love party rings.

00:19:00 Hurst
Nice contrasting

00:19:02 Hurst
consistencies, great flavor and a pleasing dunk as well.

00:19:05 Hurst
So the patient consumer can lick the icing until it starts to separate, which is a pleasing bonus.

00:19:10 Hurst
If you can either do that in your mouth as an adult or as a kid, you can just sit there and lick them and parents just sit there and disapprove, but except that is a cool move.

00:19:17 Hurst
I love them.

00:19:18 Hurst
Nostalgia adds to the experience as an adult because every party you ever went to as a kid, they had party rings because they look the part, they taste the part.

00:19:27 Squirrell
They're cheap as buttons.

00:19:28 Hurst
Cheap as buttons.

00:19:29 Hurst
Not chocolate buttons because those are all expensive.

00:19:32 Squirrell
Probably well expensive nowadays.

00:19:34 Hurst
Yeah, they are cheap and effective.

00:19:35 Hurst
I love farty rings.

00:19:36 Hurst
I didn't realize how much I loved them until I had a pack of them from the big box of biscuits.

00:19:40 Hurst
It's like, **** me dead.

00:19:41 Hurst
These are amazing.

00:19:43 Hurst
They scored highly.

00:19:43 Hurst
They were at 8 out of 10 and straight into #4 on the list.

00:19:46 Squirrell
There you are.

00:19:47 Squirrell
You called it icing, but it's basically just as much sugar as it can possibly be without being individual granules, right?

00:19:55 Squirrell
They just added as little amount of whatever else they could to get it to stick together.

00:19:59 Squirrell
That's it.

00:20:00 Hurst
But wafer thin, not like icing on a cake.

00:20:03 Squirrell
No.

00:20:03 Squirrell
Did you ever put them on your fingers?

00:20:05 Squirrell
Because they have holes in the middle of rankers, if you don't know what we're talking about.

00:20:08 Squirrell
Especially our ranking fans in America may not have heard of many of these.

00:20:11 Squirrell
Party rings were just round biscuits with a hole in the middle, like a doughnut, but flat, obviously, with nice patterns on the top.

00:20:17 Squirrell
Party on.

00:20:18 Squirrell
And you could put them on your fingers and eat them off your fingers.

00:20:20 Squirrell
That's what I did when I was a kid.

00:20:22 Hurst
Yeah, of course you did.

00:20:23 Hurst
What else could you do?

00:20:24 Hurst
But as an adult, sadly, my big chunky middle-aged spread fingers don't fit in them anymore.

00:20:29 Squirrell
So I bet they got smaller, mate.

00:20:31 Squirrell
That's that again.

00:20:32 Squirrell
Like hula hoops got smaller and you can't put them on your fingers.

00:20:35 Hurst
Dunk and put the whole thing in your mouth.

00:20:38 Squirrell
There you go.

00:20:39 Squirrell
Number 3 for me is the savoury custard cream.

00:20:42 Squirrell
I have gone with Jacob's duck sandwich snack crackers.

00:20:46 Squirrell
We had a quick chat about these ones.

00:20:48 Squirrell
Were these biscuits or not?

00:20:49 Squirrell
And at the end of it, basically they're just savoury custard creams or savoury Oreos.

00:20:54 Squirrell
So I'm putting them in.

00:20:55 Squirrell
Let me know, rankers, if you disagree.

00:20:58 Squirrell
But Jacob's Tuck Sandwich Snack Crackers, honestly never knew what they were called until I put this list together.

00:21:04 Squirrell
I just, you know, you know the packet.

00:21:06 Squirrell
They are Jacob's Tuck Crackers, spelled T-U-C for some ridiculous reason and capitalised, don't know why.

00:21:11 Squirrell
And they have this kind of ******** process, sticking two of them together like a custard cream or an Oreo.

00:21:17 Squirrell
And you

00:21:18 Squirrell
grab them and you cram them into your mouth and you don't stop until there's none left.

00:21:22 Squirrell
And then you're sad that there's none left because they are hideous, but delicious as hell.

00:21:28 Squirrell
They're so hyper processed.

00:21:30 Squirrell
There's like absolutely nothing even hinting at being natural contained within.

00:21:35 Squirrell
But yeah, they're delicious.

00:21:37 Squirrell
And like Red Bull, in that respect, I will just cram it into my face until it makes me feel a bit ill.

00:21:43 Hurst
Now I'm not willing to die on this hill, but if I was going to choose

00:21:47 Hurst
tuck crackers, I would definitely have put them in at my number four because of controversy.

00:21:52 Squirrell
Yes, of course.

00:21:53 Hurst
I don't feel that crackers are biscuits.

00:21:56 Hurst
I feel like they're a different breed.

00:21:58 Squirrell
But they're literally the same thing.

00:22:00 Squirrell
Like they literally are without the sugar in.

00:22:03 Squirrell
Like that's it.

00:22:04 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:22:05 Squirrell
They just have more salt.

00:22:05 Hurst
So I'm not willing to die on this hill.

00:22:07 Hurst
I'll let the rankers decide who's right on this one.

00:22:10 Hurst
But it is controversial to stick in a savoury on the top five biscuits.

00:22:15 Squirrell
Let us know, Rankers.

00:22:16 Squirrell
They're delicious.

00:22:18 Hurst
Moving on.

00:22:18 Hurst
My #3 is Biscoff Lotus.

00:22:22 Hurst
Fantastic biscuits.

00:22:24 Hurst
Oh, there's a girl's putting her face in this one.

00:22:26 Hurst
We might have some more controversy.

00:22:27 Squirrell
You're a bit of a face going on, yeah.

00:22:29 Hurst
They have excellent flavor.

00:22:31 Hurst
They're sweet, but kind of unique.

00:22:32 Hurst
So they've got cinnamon, which a lot of things don't.

00:22:35 Hurst
And we know this because Carly's allergic to cinnamon and she can't have them anymore, which is a devastating on several levels.

00:22:41 Hurst
First of all, for her, she can't have Biscoff.

00:22:43 Hurst
She also used to make these Biscoff cheesecakes and ****** me, they were so, good.

00:22:52 Hurst
Probably best for my middle-aged spread that we don't know of that going on anymore, but so,

00:22:59 Hurst
Good.

00:23:00 Hurst
They make good dunking as well.

00:23:01 Hurst
They're not too dry without dunking.

00:23:03 Hurst
They're a quick dunk.

00:23:04 Hurst
You can't hold them in there.

00:23:05 Hurst
They will fall off.

00:23:05 Hurst
You get dunk them in sticking in your mouth, but then you get this beautiful, warm, pasty, oh, so nice.

00:23:12 Hurst
My #3 Biscoff.

00:23:13 Squirrell
All right.

00:23:14 Squirrell
They're all right.

00:23:15 Squirrell
I always found that they're a bit crap until they mush them up and put them in a jar, at which point they turn into absolute heroin.

00:23:22 Squirrell
But as a biscuit, they're just a bit like, oh, well, never mind.

00:23:25 Squirrell
But yeah, I don't know why.

00:23:28 Squirrell
Anyway, what number am I on, Hurst?

00:23:31 Squirrell
Three, must be two.

00:23:33 Squirrell
All right, we're rattling through my #2.

00:23:36 Squirrell
You're back to M&S for these ones, Hurst.

00:23:38 Squirrell
They are the outrageously chocolatey milk chocolate rounds.

00:23:42 Squirrell
which is quite the title.

00:23:43 Squirrell
Again, they're donut, but flat donut shaped, and then they cover them in so much chocolate.

00:23:48 Squirrell
It's actually on the packet that there's more chocolate than biscuit.

00:23:51 Squirrell
Yeah, **** yeah.

00:23:52 Squirrell
They are really, really, really nice.

00:23:55 Squirrell
And yeah, they've got a lot of chocolate on, but the chocolate is well good.

00:23:58 Squirrell
It's not that **** stuff that Cadbury's seems to have turned into now, which is a bit irritating.

00:24:03 Hurst
Are they like the ones you get in those Christmas tins of biscuits?

00:24:07 Hurst
They're so chocolatey.

00:24:08 Squirrell
Yes, exactly.

00:24:09 Squirrell
The conspiracy biscuits.

00:24:10 Squirrell
Yes.

00:24:11 Hurst
Yeah, they are.

00:24:12 Hurst
They are very, very good.

00:24:13 Squirrell
Except they're probably about this thick, because justify the fact you've just paid however much you just paid for eight biscuits.

00:24:22 Hurst
Two hours salary for eight biscuits.

00:24:24 Squirrell
That's right.

00:24:24 Squirrell
That's right.

00:24:25 Squirrell
But yeah, I used to get a discount, of course, but not anymore.

00:24:28 Hurst
This is why you know all the fancy biscuits and your list is generally fancy at the time.

00:24:32 Squirrell
This is why I know all the fancy biscuits.

00:24:33 Squirrell
I would deliver them to people and look at them and go, they look ******* nicer, then I would remember to get them.

00:24:39 Squirrell
M&S, outrageously chocolate, milk chocolate rouse.

00:24:42 Squirrell
It's basically the closest you can get to eating chocolate whilst actually eating a biscuit and maybe pretending you're being healthy.

00:24:47 Squirrell
I don't know.

00:24:48 Hurst
Fair enough.

00:24:49 Hurst
I don't think you can have a claim to be healthy when you're eating that much chocolate.

00:24:52 Squirrell
Maybe not.

00:24:53 Squirrell
But they're biscuits.

00:24:54 Squirrell
That's the important bit.

00:24:55 Squirrell
They're not chocolate.

00:24:55 Squirrell
They're biscuits.

00:24:56 Squirrell
They are.

00:24:57 Squirrell
Chocolate's well bad for you.

00:24:58 Hurst
Yeah.

00:24:58 Hurst
Okay, cool.

00:24:59 Hurst
My #2 is another sandwich biscuit.

00:25:02 Hurst
It's Oreos.

00:25:03 Squirrell
There we are.

00:25:04 Hurst
Fantastic business.

00:25:05 Hurst
There's one that Ohio can get on board with because I know Oreos are a big news in the States.

00:25:10 Squirrell
I feel that worldwide, right?

00:25:12 Squirrell
They must be in pretty much every country.

00:25:14 Hurst
I feel like party rings and custard creams and bourbons are probably quite UK-centric, whereas Oreos are more of a global phenomena.

00:25:23 Squirrell
I mean, maybe party rings are huge in the US.

00:25:26 Squirrell
I have no idea.

00:25:27 Hurst
Maybe, let us know.

00:25:29 Squirrell
Maybe.

00:25:29 Squirrell
Yeah, let us know.

00:25:30 Hurst
Oreo is a great, excellent flavour, excellent consistency and excellent dunking.

00:25:34 Hurst
There was nothing not to like in all of that.

00:25:36 Hurst
They are Moorish.

00:25:38 Hurst
They have just the right amount of cream in them as they are.

00:25:41 Hurst
But if you are an

00:25:43 Hurst
a bit creamier.

00:25:44 Hurst
You can buy the ones that have got extra cream in them.

00:25:47 Squirrell
Double stuff, they call them or something.

00:25:49 Hurst
Double stuff, which is a nice touch for the people who just maybe who don't want to dunk it and don't have that moist maker in a cup of tea.

00:25:56 Hurst
So they have the extra cream.

00:25:57 Hurst
So well played Oreos on all counts.

00:26:00 Squirrell
Yeah, we are.

00:26:01 Squirrell
I think this is an American thing, but they take them apart, don't they?

00:26:04 Squirrell
And they dip them into milk as opposed to tea in America.

00:26:07 Squirrell
Neither of which I would do, because I don't really like milk either.

00:26:09 Hurst
Yeah, they do all sorts of strange stuff in America, but I mean, if they are an American

00:26:13 Hurst
brand, then maybe it's us that's getting it wrong.

00:26:16 Squirrell
Oh, maybe so.

00:26:17 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:26:17 Squirrell
But no, Oreo is well nice.

00:26:18 Squirrell
Probably my number seven after chocolate digestives, which would be my number six.

00:26:22 Hurst
Yeah.

00:26:22 Squirrell
Do like an Oreo.

00:26:23 Squirrell
Can't decide if the double ones are better or not.

00:26:26 Squirrell
Can't decide if the ratio is slightly off.

00:26:29 Squirrell
I think it is.

00:26:30 Hurst
For me it is.

00:26:31 Hurst
I like, if I'm having a biscuit, I like the biscuit to be the dominant thing and it lines up with like with custard creams, it's just the right amount.

00:26:40 Hurst
There should be an air gap.

00:26:41 Hurst
around the edge of the biscuit, whereas the double filled ones go right to the edge of the biscuit, I believe.

00:26:47 Squirrell
Oh, do they come right to the outside as well?

00:26:48 Hurst
I think so.

00:26:50 Hurst
I might be just imagining that, but I think you need that little gap.

00:26:53 Hurst
You should be able to get your fingers in there, pull them apart without actually getting cream on your fingernails.

00:26:58 Squirrell
There you go.

00:26:58 Squirrell
If you want to avoid cream on your fingernails, don't get the double stuff.

00:27:05 Squirrell
******* innuendo episode.

00:27:06 Squirrell
This is telling it to.

00:27:07 Hurst
Bravo.

00:27:08 Squirrell
All right.

00:27:08 Hurst
So that's it.

00:27:09 Hurst
We are now...

00:27:12 Hurst
That's it for the first bit.

00:27:15 Hurst
We now switch.

00:27:17 Hurst
We do.

00:27:17 Hurst
Something that I haven't actually spent enough time thinking about, but I have a lot of scores on my list that I could just go back to and see where...

00:27:24 Squirrell
Look at which was at the bottom.

00:27:26 Hurst
Four out, Ted.

00:27:27 Hurst
Brilliant.

00:27:28 Hurst
I'll use that one.

00:27:29 Squirrell
Alrighty.

00:27:29 Squirrell
Well, hold your horses first because I go first and I feel.

00:27:33 Squirrell
I'm going to upset a lot of rankers, so I'm just going to say, don't forget rankers.

00:27:37 Squirrell
Worst doesn't count towards the official world ranking.

00:27:40 Squirrell
You're only ranking five to one.

00:27:42 Squirrell
Worst is just for fun.

00:27:45 Squirrell
It's rich teas.

00:27:46 Squirrell
Rich tea biscuits are bland as all manner of ****.

00:27:51 Squirrell
They taste of nothing.

00:27:53 Squirrell
They taste like Jacob's cream crackers, but not crunchy.

00:27:56 Squirrell
They're just ****.

00:27:58 Squirrell
I don't think I've eaten one.

00:27:59 Squirrell
for 25 years.

00:28:00 Squirrell
So it's been a very long time since one of these has gone near my face.

00:28:05 Squirrell
I think because I don't drink tea, I think these are kind of pretty much exclusively for dunking in tea, right?

00:28:11 Squirrell
Rich tea biscuits.

00:28:12 Squirrell
Hurst is looking at his computer, which just goes, what the **** I'm on about.

00:28:15 Hurst
I know, I do know.

00:28:16 Hurst
I'm just looking back to see what I rank rich tea apps and what I said about it.

00:28:21 Hurst
Land was definitely one of the words I used as well.

00:28:24 Hurst
I think they maybe are because it says rich tea.

00:28:26 Hurst
And when you dunk them, the consistency changes more than you would expect and possibly more from another biscuit.

00:28:31 Hurst
So they have got that going for them.

00:28:33 Hurst
But yeah.

00:28:35 Squirrell
They're just dull as hell.

00:28:37 Squirrell
And I ain't having that hurst.

00:28:38 Squirrell
I ain't having that.

00:28:39 Squirrell
That's unexcusable.

00:28:40 Squirrell
Just because you called it rich tea doesn't mean I have to use it with tea.

00:28:42 Squirrell
It's like those ones that are called nice.

00:28:44 Squirrell
They're not that nice.

00:28:45 Squirrell
They're all right.

00:28:46 Squirrell
They should be called all right.

00:28:47 Squirrell
And these should be called **** tea.

00:28:50 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:28:50 Squirrell
There you go.

00:28:51 Hurst
That sounds awful.

00:28:52 Hurst
I don't want ****.

00:28:53 Squirrell
No, but I do believe they're weirdly beloved.

00:28:56 Squirrell
They're probably a Hall of Fame biscuit, right?

00:28:58 Hurst
They are a Hall of Fame biscuit, absolutely.

00:28:59 Squirrell
Because they're everywhere and have been for my entire life, which is a long time, Rankin.

00:29:05 Hurst
Yeah, they are a Hall of Fame.

00:29:08 Hurst
A lot of Hall of Fame biscuits are surprising ones.

00:29:11 Squirrell
Yeah, they've just been there because of longevity, not because of...

00:29:14 Hurst
But longevity comes from...

00:29:17 Hurst
repeat purchase.

00:29:18 Hurst
If people weren't buying them and eating them, they wouldn't have lasted.

00:29:21 Hurst
So someone's out there loving it.

00:29:22 Hurst
And I have a bit of a theory of that, which is church coffee mornings.

00:29:27 Squirrell
Oh, right.

00:29:27 Squirrell
Because they're cheap as all balls.

00:29:29 Hurst
Yeah.

00:29:29 Squirrell
And they are not sinner biscuits like custard creams would be.

00:29:33 Hurst
Yeah, exactly.

00:29:34 Hurst
Although sometimes you would get a custard cream at church and that was a good day.

00:29:39 Hurst
They were never the last ones left.

00:29:42 Hurst
Which leads us nicely onto my worst biscuit, which is...

00:29:47 Hurst
The malted milk.

00:29:48 Squirrell
Oh, God.

00:29:50 Hurst
Plain, okay, consistency, okay, dunking.

00:29:55 Hurst
And this is the first one I described as church coffee morning.

00:29:59 Hurst
Because I can't think of a situation when you would have one unless you were at a church coffee morning.

00:30:05 Hurst
No one chooses to buy them, put them out for guests.

00:30:08 Squirrell
Well, like you say, someone must be, because these have also been around for probably 50 years.

00:30:13 Hurst
But also I think there's the generation above us, say the boomers who are frugal, even though they have money, they grew up just post-war, so always frugal.

00:30:22 Hurst
So things like that were affordable.

00:30:24 Hurst
Plus you've also got, like my mum and dad, my dad will snack on whatever biscuits are there.

00:30:31 Squirrell
Right.

00:30:31 Hurst
They're really nice biscuits.

00:30:33 Hurst
Then

00:30:34 Hurst
He'll snack on them a lot.

00:30:35 Hurst
If they're pretty boring dull biscuits, you won't have so many, so my mom buys boring biscuits.

00:30:41 Hurst
Right.

00:30:41 Hurst
So if he's going to have one, he'll only have one or two rather than one.

00:30:46 Hurst
So I think that.

00:30:47 Hurst
The older people and wives trying to keep their husbands alive through to their 80s are keeping those industries alive.

00:30:54 Hurst
So malted milk, church coffee morning, but they will always be the last ones left.

00:30:58 Hurst
It would do nothing for me.

00:30:59 Squirrell
You could probably eat 50 of them and not realise you've eaten any.

00:31:02 Squirrell
It's the same as rich teas.

00:31:03 Squirrell
But enough chat about the worst.

00:31:06 Squirrell
That's time to discuss the best biscuits you can buy.

00:31:15 Squirrell
My number one biscuit, Hearst.

00:31:17 Squirrell
Fox's Crunch Creams.

00:31:21 Hurst
You're so ******* fancy.

00:31:22 Hurst
They're not fancy.

00:31:24 Squirrell
These ones aren't fancy.

00:31:25 Squirrell
These ones, they sound fancy, but I think they're like a pound.

00:31:28 Squirrell
So they're not expensive.

00:31:30 Squirrell
First is Crunch Cream.

00:31:31 Squirrell
I believe they have had several different names over the years.

00:31:33 Squirrell
I'm sure they were called Golden Crunch at some point, but they are another biscuit, which is sandwich one like

00:31:39 Squirrell
Oh **** three of them on my list now.

00:31:42 Squirrell
Two biscuits with some sort of, what would you even call the inside of these things?

00:31:46 Hurst
Cream, we call it.

00:31:47 Squirrell
Cream, custard.

00:31:48 Squirrell
It isn't.

00:31:49 Hurst
Like a butter cream, isn't it?

00:31:50 Squirrell
Yeah, but it probably doesn't involve either of those ingredients, right?

00:31:53 Squirrell
It's chemicals that are made to taste nice.

00:31:56 Squirrell
And then glue two biscuits together.

00:31:58 Squirrell
In this case, two biscuits, which are golden crunch biscuits.

00:32:02 Hurst
It doesn't sound quite as nice as sugar cream or whatever.

00:32:07 Squirrell
But it does mean every time you eat one, you of course get two

00:32:09 Squirrell
biscuits and some really unhealthy sugar-based ***** in the middle.

00:32:12 Squirrell
And these ones are the best of them.

00:32:14 Squirrell
You can scran these into your face and they are delicious.

00:32:19 Squirrell
Not that I've really considered how much the biscuits cost in my list of biscuits.

00:32:23 Squirrell
I'm not really interested in that, right?

00:32:24 Squirrell
That doesn't stop them being best if they're expensive.

00:32:27 Squirrell
But Fox's Crunch Creams are not as expensive and you can buy them anywhere.

00:32:30 Squirrell
So yeah, remind yourself of how ******* great Fox's Crunch Creams are.

00:32:35 Squirrell
Treat yourself to a packet and go, *******.

00:32:38 Squirrell
And as always, Squirrel is correct.

00:32:40 Squirrell
Number one, Fox's Crunch Creams.

00:32:43 Hurst
It's a good call.

00:32:44 Hurst
They are nice biscuits.

00:32:45 Hurst
I have no arguments there.

00:32:46 Squirrell
Would you like a fact, an estimated fact about Fox's, the biscuit company in general?

00:32:52 Squirrell
Go on.

00:32:52 Squirrell
All right.

00:32:53 Squirrell
Well, I tapped up regular listener, Bill Preston, who actually used to work for them.

00:32:57 Squirrell
I said, give me a fact and an estimated fact about foxes.

00:33:00 Squirrell
And here they come, Hurst.

00:33:02 Squirrell
Fact.

00:33:03 Squirrell
There was going to be a jammy dodger party ring crossover, but they couldn't decide which side of the party ring icing should go on, the inside or the outside, so they eventually have handed it.

00:33:15 Squirrell
Okay.

00:33:16 Squirrell
Or, fact, brandy snap production is distinct from the manufacture of other biscuits, as it has its own dedicated team due to the complexity.

00:33:26 Hurst
I'm going with the second one mostly because I can't believe that they wouldn't have known which side to put the icing on.

00:33:32 Hurst
It clearly goes on the top.

00:33:33 Squirrell
Which side would you put it on?

00:33:34 Squirrell
It always on the top.

00:33:35 Hurst
Party rings, icing goes on top.

00:33:37 Hurst
I love the idea of then jamming a jammy dodger underneath it.

00:33:40 Squirrell
What way up does the bottom one go?

00:33:42 Hurst
Well, the bottom one's clearly the bottom one on a jammy dodger, but there's a different consistency to the top.

00:33:48 Squirrell
And it's solid, right?

00:33:50 Squirrell
But would they have to point the icing outwards or inwards on the bottom one?

00:33:54 Squirrell
No, you'd only put it on the top.

00:33:56 Squirrell
You'd only put it on the, you see how complex this already is?

00:33:59 Hurst
Yeah, they're not, they're not going to mess with that formula.

00:34:02 Hurst
So it must be the brandy snaps.

00:34:03 Squirrell
Okay, you are correct.

00:34:04 Squirrell
Brandysnap production is distinct from the manufacturer of other biscuits as it has its own dedicated team due to the complexity.

00:34:10 Squirrell
There you are.

00:34:10 Squirrell
There's a look inside the biscuit manufacturing process.

00:34:14 Hurst
Well, thanks very much, Bill Preston, for your insider knowledge there.

00:34:18 Hurst
That's good stuff.

00:34:19 Squirrell
Excellent work, Bill.

00:34:20 Hurst
Moving on.

00:34:21 Hurst
My number one is

00:34:23 Hurst
milk chocolate hobnobs.

00:34:25 Hurst
The absolute daddy of all biscuits.

00:34:28 Hurst
Excellent texture.

00:34:30 Hurst
Another oat one.

00:34:30 Hurst
Interestingly enough, both of our number ones are oat based biscuits.

00:34:34 Hurst
True.

00:34:34 Hurst
Sublime flavor.

00:34:35 Hurst
And they're just not at all dry because of the milk chocolate.

00:34:37 Hurst
When you chomp them, even without any dunking, no moist making, no grotty biscuit glue, they just, that's just so good.

00:34:46 Hurst
My God, that's so good.

00:34:49 Hurst
Perfect dunkage anyway.

00:34:50 Hurst
I mean, you don't need to dunk them to get

00:34:52 Hurst
masses out of them, but if you do, they hold together well enough.

00:34:56 Hurst
But when you put them in your mouth, it's just the taste, the taste sexplosion.

00:35:01 Hurst
I don't think it's that.

00:35:02 Squirrell
Taste sexplosion.

00:35:06 Hurst
The taste explosion.

00:35:09 Hurst
Really, for milk chocolate Hobnobs, no note, change nothing, 10 out of 10.

00:35:15 Hurst
Carly didn't even buy them because we both knew as soon as biscuits came up, she said, well, it's milk chocolate Hobnobs at #1, right?

00:35:21 Hurst
I was like, obviously.

00:35:22 Hurst
We just got to figure out what the other four are.

00:35:24 Hurst
Even if I'd remembered Fox's Crunch Creams, they would not have battled chocolate.

00:35:30 Hurst
Milk.

00:35:30 Squirrell
There you go.

00:35:31 Hurst
This is another one where brand matters a bit.

00:35:34 Hurst
It has to be the McBitty's milk chocolate to be the number one.

00:35:37 Hurst
Supermarkets have started doing their own things like oaty crumbles and things and actually asked to do a fairly good half the price alternative.

00:35:48 Hurst
So on a budget.

00:35:50 Hurst
Milk chocolate Oatie crumbles, but they are very hard to get hold of.

00:35:52 Hurst
They are normally sold out.

00:35:54 Hurst
For this one, I am going to say, as with Biscoff and Oreos and the ones before, you want to go branded if you want the full proper experience.

00:36:01 Hurst
These are not, I wouldn't call them a hall of fame in the same way.

00:36:05 Hurst
They're not classic.

00:36:06 Squirrell
They feel kind of new, but they're not in any way.

00:36:08 Hurst
They're not in any way for four years.

00:36:11 Hurst
But they are, they will be.

00:36:13 Hurst
Would you like a fact and an estimated fact about milk chocolate hobnobs?

00:36:18 Squirrell
I absolutely would.

00:36:21 Hurst
Okay.

00:36:22 Hurst
In a poll of the UK's most recognised chocolate biscuit snacks, milk chocolate hobnobs came back as the nation's favourite biscuits to dunk in tea or coffee, with the plain hobnob itself being the third most popular biscuit for dunking.

00:36:36 Squirrell
Okay.

00:36:37 Hurst
And the other fact is when McFitties first tested milk chocolate hobnobs, they discovered people were snapping off the chocolate and eating it before the biscuit.

00:36:47 Hurst
So often that they had to slightly thicken the chocolate layer to stop it cracking cleanly.

00:36:52 Hurst
In short, hobnobs were too satisfying and needed structural reinforcement.

00:36:58 Squirrell
I know they are popular for dipping in your tea.

00:37:00 Squirrell
I know this.

00:37:02 Squirrell
But are they that?

00:37:04 Squirrell
popular.

00:37:04 Squirrell
Ah, I like the second one because it's fun and it involves market research, which we love, of course.

00:37:11 Squirrell
All right, why not?

00:37:12 Squirrell
I'm going to say the second one, even though I think both are very valid.

00:37:16 Hurst
That they used to, they had to slightly thicken the chocolate.

00:37:20 Squirrell
More chocolate.

00:37:22 Hurst
Stop cracking.

00:37:22 Hurst
That is, in fact, an actual fact.

00:37:26 Hurst
Hooray.

00:37:27 Hurst
Yes, when they first made them, people were snapping off the chocolate and eating it and then eating the biscuit afterwards.

00:37:32 Hurst
So

00:37:33 Hurst
to thicken the chocolate layer and stop it cracking.

00:37:39 Hurst
So that's our lists and that are facts and estimated facts.

00:37:42 Squirrell
Yes, indeed.

00:37:43 Hurst
Strong start for both of us for the new year for our understanding and diagnosis of facts versus estimated facts.

00:37:48 Squirrell
That is true.

00:37:49 Squirrell
That is true.

00:37:50 Squirrell
And let's see who can be 2026 champion of actual ranking.

00:37:54 Squirrell
Although I guess it's season two really.

00:37:56 Squirrell
So we don't care about the year, not as much as you won't let rank us if we listen to this in the future.

00:38:03 Hurst
Indeed.

00:38:04 Hurst
So what's next?

00:38:05 Squirrell
First time in a while, Hurst.

00:38:06 Squirrell
We're going to spin the wheel of decisions.

00:38:10 Hurst
Spicy.

00:38:11 Squirrell
Has been a while, right?

00:38:13 Hurst
What's on the wheel?

00:38:14 Squirrell
We have top five 80s and 90s cartoons.

00:38:17 Squirrell
That's new from Rachel the Juggler as we covered off Kitchen Implements.

00:38:22 Squirrell
Bit similar to the very first episode we did, but it has been a long while since we did that episode.

00:38:26 Squirrell
So A, the sound quality will be better.

00:38:28 Hurst
And that was specifically villains, wasn't it?

00:38:31 Squirrell
Was specifically villains.

00:38:33 Squirrell
We did talk about the cartoons, of course.

00:38:35 Squirrell
Adult cartoons has appeared as well.

00:38:37 Squirrell
Another kind of adult cartoon, the Fast and Furious movies.

00:38:40 Squirrell
We could be ranking them.

00:38:41 Squirrell
We could be ranking video game movie adaptations.

00:38:45 Squirrell
We could be ranking adverts.

00:38:46 Squirrell
We could be ranking books.

00:38:48 Squirrell
Just books.

00:38:49 Squirrell
So there we are, just a little subject there to cover her.

00:38:53 Squirrell
We'll just read all the books in a week and decide which one we like best.

00:38:57 Hurst
That one might be a bit of a challenge because there are so many books and if I choose as my number one something that none of the rankers have ever read or equally anything on my list, it will be difficult.

00:39:10 Squirrell
Chances are we're going to be choosing books that people haven't heard of because there's just so many books.

00:39:15 Hurst
It'll be difficult to vote on that, but hey, someone's put it out there.

00:39:19 Hurst
we to question the Patreons.

00:39:21 Squirrell
Patrons indeed.

00:39:22 Squirrell
And the rankers, of course, are highly skilled people.

00:39:26 Squirrell
So I've got no worries that they will be able to do the right thing.

00:39:29 Squirrell
And what else have we got here?

00:39:31 Squirrell
Top five movie villain schemes, which I believe has been there since the start and just hasn't been picked.

00:39:37 Squirrell
Sorry, Peter Murgot, you're still waiting.

00:39:39 Squirrell
All right, Hurst, here it goes.

00:39:42 Squirrell
Oh, ****.

00:39:46 Squirrell
Oh.

00:39:48 Hurst
Adult cartoons.

00:39:50 Hurst
Excellent stuff.

00:39:52 Squirrell
Adult cartoons was suggested by Dav Paz.

00:39:54 Squirrell
Thank you very much, Dav Paz.

00:39:55 Squirrell
Biscuits were suggested by Kovach.

00:39:57 Squirrell
Thank you, Kovach, too, from our support at Hubhurst.

00:40:00 Hurst
Oh, very nice.

00:40:00 Hurst
Thanks, Kovach, because not only was it a good one, it meant I got to eat a lot of biscuits.

00:40:05 Squirrell
That's right.

00:40:06 Squirrell
And then we're doing adult cartoons.

00:40:07 Squirrell
Adult cartoons, I guess, are things that are obviously not for kids.

00:40:11 Squirrell
Simple as that, right?

00:40:13 Hurst
That narrows it down quite a lot.

00:40:14 Squirrell
South Park would probably count, but the citizens probably would not, in my opinion.

00:40:19 Hurst
Yeah.

00:40:20 Squirrell
That'll be coming at you in a couple of weeks time.

00:40:24 Squirrell
We need to thank our official supporter Hubhurst.

00:40:27 Squirrell
You're gonna reel them off the top of your head again.

00:40:29 Squirrell
It always goes so perfectly.

00:40:31 Hurst
Um, Go Vatch.

00:40:35 Hurst
Daft Paz.

00:40:37 Hurst
Good.

00:40:38 Hurst
Princess Jasmine and Meg 98 on the temporary visa.

00:40:44 Squirrell
It's good.

00:40:44 Squirrell
It's not Princess Jasmine.

00:40:45 Squirrell
It's Goddess Jasmine.

00:40:48 Squirrell
A couple of steps up from Princess, I reckon.

00:40:50 Squirrell
******* hell.

00:40:51 Squirrell
Should we attempt to finish this episode at some point today?

00:40:53 Hurst
Yeah, let's bring it into that.

00:40:56 Squirrell
Rankers, we are on Facebook, we are on Patreon, we are on Blue Sky, we are on YouTube.

00:41:02 Squirrell
Just search for Top Five Face Off.

00:41:04 Squirrell
We're even on Tickety Top, if you understand what that is, Top Five Face Off.

00:41:09 Squirrell
You can find us there.

00:41:10 Squirrell
Although there's not much on there, but never mind, they don't have to care about that.

00:41:13 Squirrell
But first, if I were to want to buy pictures on the internet,

00:41:17 Squirrell
Where can I go to do so?

00:41:19 Hurst
Well, I would highly recommend doghouseart.co.uk.

00:41:22 Hurst
It's still sort of under construction.

00:41:25 Hurst
I'm doing my best.

00:41:26 Hurst
It stressed me out earlier.

00:41:28 Squirrell
Don't tell them that, Hers.

00:41:29 Squirrell
If you had a pound a month to spare, what do you think you'd do with that money?

00:41:33 Hurst
I would 100% spend it on becoming a Patreon.

00:41:37 Squirrell
What a great idea, Hers.

00:41:38 Squirrell
What can you get for being a Patreon of this fine podcast?

00:41:42 Hurst
Not just bonus material every month, but...

00:41:46 Hurst
access to all the archival bonus material, things like our pilot show that we did on Alcobar, things like our mini lists that we did, like the top five of the Seven Dwarfs, top five Friends characters, things like that will be coming in every month.

00:42:02 Hurst
There'll be something for you.

00:42:04 Hurst
And I will also be posting my official ratings of all the biscuits that I got for Christmas from Carly.

00:42:11 Hurst
So that will be on there after voting is closed.

00:42:15 Squirrell
How could you possibly resist?

00:42:16 Squirrell
Patreon.com slash Top Five Face Off.

00:42:19 Squirrell
That's the word five, not the number five.

00:42:21 Squirrell
But it was as I said that.

00:42:23 Squirrell
Do we have anything else to talk about, Hurst?

00:42:24 Squirrell
I don't think we do.

00:42:25 Hurst
No, I think that's it.

00:42:27 Hurst
Let's bring this home to now.

00:42:28 Squirrell
Lovely.

00:42:28 Squirrell
Okay, please rewind this podcast for the next people to come along and we will see you next time for, what was it?

00:42:37 Squirrell
Adult cartoons.

00:42:39 Hurst
Good stuff.

00:42:39 Hurst
All right.

00:42:40 Hurst
See you later, anchors.

00:42:41 Hurst
Love you.

00:42:47 Harriet
Top Five Face Off is presented by Matt Hurst and Matt Squirrel and produced by Power Storm Awesome Fire Incorporated.

00:42:54 Harriet
For more details and to vote for a winner, visit topfivefaceoff.co.uk.

00:42:59 Harriet
Thanks for listening.

00:43:26 Hurst
All right, let's just plough straight into it, shall we?

00:43:34 Squirrell
All right, let's just bang it in dry.

00:43:38 Hurst
Bite the pillow, son.

00:43:39 Hurst
I'm coming in dry.

00:43:41 Squirrell
Son?

00:43:43 Squirrell
That's gone in a whole new direction.

00:43:45 Squirrell
That's what he said.

00:43:51 Squirrell
How many biscuits have you eaten?

00:43:54 Hurst
******* loads of them.

00:43:56 Hurst
I didn't write them down, but I mean, lemon puff, tart bits, hobnobs, Oreos,

00:44:02 Hurst
Briscoff, party rings, malted milk, nice custard creams, jammy Dodgers, Garibaldi, fruit shorty, digestive rich tea, shortbread fig roll.

00:44:14 Hurst
Good morning, good afternoon, good evening or good night, Rankers.

00:44:18 Hurst
Welcome back to the show.

00:44:19 Hurst
And if this is your first time.

00:44:25 Squirrell
Plow it in.

00:44:27 Hurst
Good.

00:44:31 Squirrell
Vote for Squirrel.

00:44:32 Squirrell
Only one chair.

00:44:34 Squirrell
What kind of ******* rehearst?

00:44:36 Hurst
Jesus Christ.

00:44:36 Hurst
It's 2026 getting.

00:44:38 Squirrell
Old.

00:44:38 Squirrell
Oh **** is that what it is?

00:44:41 Hurst
A kudos for the big balls move, but I disagree on that one.

00:44:48 Squirrell
I was just going to please myself whilst you rank your number three years.

00:44:56 Hurst
I'm a little grossed out now.

00:45:01 Squirrell
There you go.

00:45:01 Squirrell
No one mentioned Home Alone, by the way, even though it's the best Christmas movie of all time, now officially, literally no one in the comments cared.

00:45:08 Squirrell
But there we are.

00:45:08 Hurst
Didn't one person say, yeah, someone mentioned Home Alone because their kids were making traps?

00:45:13 Squirrell
Oh, well, I'll cut that bit right out.

00:45:15 Squirrell
There we go.

00:45:16 Squirrell
It was ages ago we talked about the ******* comments.

00:45:20 Hurst
To the best.

00:45:23 Squirrell
Come at me, Rank.

00:45:24 Squirrell
Oh no, they can literally come at me.

00:45:26 Squirrell
Don't come at me, Rankers.

00:45:27 Hurst
Yeah, go at him hard.

00:45:29 Hurst
Tell them all small, guys.

00:45:31 Squirrell
Go at him hard.

00:45:32 Squirrell
What is happening this episode?

00:45:34 Hurst
Christ.

00:45:37 Hurst
But you don't like milk and you don't like tea.

00:45:39 Hurst
Basically, you like energy drinks and Coca-Cola.

00:45:45 Hurst
Right, I've got to go to the loo before we finish off.

00:45:46 Hurst
I thought I was going to be able to hold it, but I'm getting old, so.

00:45:49 Squirrell
No worries.