S02E05: Christmas songs

Transcript

00:00:00 Harriet
Top Five Face Off contains adult themes and language that some people may find defensive.

00:00:05 Harriet
Listener discretion is advised.

00:00:07 Squirrell
He's Matt Hurst.

00:00:08 Hurst
He's Matt Squirrel.

00:00:09 Squirrell
This is Top Five Face Off, the official world rankings of everything.

00:00:13 Squirrell
What are we ranking today, Hurst?

00:00:15 Hurst
For Squirrel, today we're going to be ranking the top five Christmas songs of all time.

00:00:20 Squirrell
I'll be right up after this.

00:00:35 Robo-Katy Perry
If there's more than one, then there's a best and a worst If there's more than five, call Squirrel and Hearst It's the Tough Fun Face-off Actual facts It's the Tough Fun Face-off That's the exact Tough Fun Face-off Tough Fun Face-off Official world ranking What's next?

00:00:56 Robo-Katy Perry
You decide.

00:00:57 Hurst
Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, or good night, rankers.

00:01:01 Hurst
Welcome back.

00:01:02 Hurst
And if you're new, welcome to the show.

00:01:04 Hurst
Squirrel, for any of our new rankers, why don't you tell them what we do and why we do it?

00:01:09 Squirrell
Well, Hurst, this is Top Five Face Off, the official world ranking of everything.

00:01:12 Squirrell
Each week we choose a random topic suggested by our Patreons.

00:01:16 Squirrell
We rank the top five and the worst things from that podcast.

00:01:18 Squirrell
And then you, the rankers at home, go to our website, www..topfivefaceoff.co.uk and vote.

00:01:24 Squirrell
But which of us is correct?

00:01:26 Squirrell
Except this week we're not doing a random topic because we forgot it was going to be December.

00:01:30 Squirrell
We were going to be doing Biscuits.

00:01:32 Squirrell
We're doing Christmas songs instead.

00:01:34 Squirrell
Biscuits is going to come in the new year.

00:01:36 Squirrell
This is Christmas month.

00:01:37 Squirrell
*******.

00:01:38 Hurst
Yeah, it's our show and we like it that way, for anyone who knows the theme tune really well.

00:01:43 Squirrell
The second verse of the theme tune, which barely anyone gets to hear, yes.

00:01:46 Hurst
We should play that at some point, make it a Christmas #1.

00:01:49 Squirrell
Oh yes, that's a good idea, Hurst.

00:01:51 Squirrell
It's not Christmassy, but I do have some sleigh bells.

00:01:55 Squirrell
So hopefully you've already heard them at Home Rankers.

00:01:57 Hurst
Nice.

00:01:58 Hurst
So, well, obviously we never get straight to the point.

00:02:01 Hurst
What's been going on?

00:02:02 Squirrell
Let me tell you a tale about my son, Hirst.

00:02:05 Squirrell
My son is now 17.

00:02:07 Squirrell
Like his mother, he wasn't really very good at cooking.

00:02:10 Squirrell
And at some point he's going to have to get good at cooking because, well, if he meets a man or a lady that he wants to spend his time with for the rest of his life, and they're also not good at cooking, what are they going to do, Hirst?

00:02:20 Squirrell
It would be a nightmare.

00:02:21 Squirrell
So every Wednesday he cooks.

00:02:24 Squirrell
So today, we've got a bit of a list of things that he does, which are worthy of mention.

00:02:32 Squirrell
So, for instance, well, I think quite early on into this, he was making sausages and something else, and kind of left him alone for the...

00:02:41 Squirrell
bit where he gets the stuff out of the fridge and gets it ready.

00:02:44 Squirrell
He was probably somewhere 14, 15, I reckon, when this happened.

00:02:48 Squirrell
Anyway, he comes back into the living room after being on his own and quite suspiciously quiet for a few minutes, just covered in sausage meat and goes, sausages are really hard to peel.

00:03:02 Squirrell
He thought he had to take the ******* bit of the aside off.

00:03:05 Squirrell
Christ, I lie.

00:03:06 Squirrell
Another notable time is when he needed to boil some water, so he used a pirate's dish, just put it on the gas hub, turned it on.

00:03:12 Squirrell
walked away for him, fortunately, because when it exploded, boiling water went all over the kitchen.

00:03:18 Squirrell
So that was great.

00:03:19 Squirrell
That was a new toaster, new weighing scales, and obviously a new fire extinguisher.

00:03:23 Squirrell
Brilliant.

00:03:24 Squirrell
And just today, Hurst, because I was watching the F1, congrats to Lando Norris if you watched 2, spoilers if he didn't.

00:03:31 Squirrell
And he made lunch.

00:03:33 Squirrell
What did I want?

00:03:34 Squirrell
A cheese and pickle sandwich.

00:03:36 Squirrell
What did I get?

00:03:37 Squirrell
******* cheese and gherkin sandwich because he watches too much TikTok.

00:03:41 Hurst
*******.

00:03:42 Hurst
******* Americans and those pickles.

00:03:44 Hurst
They're first Americans.

00:03:46 Squirrell
Jesus Christ.

00:03:46 Squirrell
So that's what's been going on.

00:03:47 Squirrell
My son can't cook.

00:03:49 Squirrell
What's going on your end?

00:03:51 Hurst
Well, obviously, as we alluded to in the last episode, I have leveled up.

00:03:56 Hurst
I'm now 47.

00:03:57 Hurst
So that was making me feel older, but it's also led nicely into what's going on.

00:04:01 Hurst
I decided on my birthday that I was going to do some hustling around town to try and find myself a studio space in which to paint next year.

00:04:09 Hurst
Because since moving to the smaller house, we do not have a studio space for me anymore.

00:04:15 Hurst
So I have been doing small acrylic paintings just on the kitchen table, but I want to get back to do my big oils.

00:04:22 Hurst
So I thought, right, I'll pop into town.

00:04:23 Hurst
I went to see my nice lady, Ruth, who runs

00:04:26 Hurst
a gallery called Limited to Art and said, hey, where should I find myself a space to paint in this place?

00:04:33 Hurst
And she said, well, not this place is in her place, but it's in Retford.

00:04:37 Hurst
She said, okay, well, here's three ideas for you.

00:04:40 Hurst
I spouted them off.

00:04:41 Hurst
And I went around and I saw all three places.

00:04:43 Hurst
And the last one I went to, I was offered a space.

00:04:46 Hurst
It's like a double garage on an art complex.

00:04:51 Hurst
And yeah, it's only 120 pound a month.

00:04:54 Hurst
So my overheads are

00:04:56 Hurst
not terrifying.

00:04:58 Hurst
It means I do actually have to make a minimum of 120 pounds a month to break even on the art, which has never been a thing before.

00:05:04 Squirrell
Makes sense.

00:05:04 Squirrell
Come on, Patreons.

00:05:06 Squirrell
Help us out.

00:05:07 Hurst
Gonna have to start hustling a bit more.

00:05:09 Hurst
Got to get the websites finished, but I'm working hard at that as well.

00:05:12 Hurst
Anyway, so that's what's been going on.

00:05:13 Hurst
I have a space.

00:05:14 Hurst
I'm moving in January and I'm super pumped about it.

00:05:18 Squirrell
Very exciting.

00:05:19 Squirrell
If you'd like a painting by Hurst, you can find out how at the end of the episode.

00:05:23 Squirrell
Not now, because that's not the order we do things in and it will confuse me.

00:05:27 Hurst
Anything been gripping your ****?

00:05:28 Squirrell
Anything been gripping my ****?

00:05:30 Squirrell
No.

00:05:35 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:05:37 Hurst
I don't think a lot has been gripping my ****.

00:05:39 Squirrell
Go us.

00:05:40 Hurst
Been getting angry about

00:05:42 Hurst
I've not been able to build a website the way I want to be able to build it.

00:05:45 Squirrell
So you're gripping your ****.

00:05:46 Hurst
Yeah, I think I'm gripping my own ****.

00:05:49 Hurst
I feel like it's probably not the fault of the web builder sites.

00:05:52 Hurst
They're successful for a reason and I'm unsuccessful for a reason.

00:05:56 Hurst
So I'm really gripping my **** this week.

00:05:59 Hurst
I'll tell you what else has been going on.

00:06:00 Hurst
Carly dyed her hair.

00:06:02 Hurst
She's now a redhead.

00:06:03 Hurst
Oh.

00:06:03 Hurst
So I'm totally seeing a redhead, which is cool.

00:06:06 Squirrell
*** **** it.

00:06:08 Squirrell
Why am I not?

00:06:10 Squirrell
This is ridiculous.

00:06:11 Squirrell
Wife.

00:06:12 Squirrell
I know you listen to this.

00:06:13 Squirrell
Wife.

00:06:14 Squirrell
Come on now.

00:06:15 Hurst
Yeah, Carly has laid the gauntlet.

00:06:18 Squirrell
But she's also not very well at it.

00:06:19 Hurst
That is true.

00:06:20 Hurst
She is poorly again.

00:06:21 Squirrell
Is this related to being a redhead now?

00:06:22 Hurst
No, I don't think so.

00:06:24 Hurst
Although she was at the hairdresser's for about 8 hours, so she could have caught anything where anyone could have come in and had a normal haircut.

00:06:31 Squirrell
But did they dye each hair individually?

00:06:34 Hurst
I don't know how they do it.

00:06:35 Hurst
They sit and they chat and

00:06:37 Hurst
Eight hours past like a working day, I go to the barbers and even if I'm having a haircut and a beard trim and a little bit of shave and a hot towel and doing that bit where they do my eyebrows because I'm an old man and they're getting out of control and they might even wax my nose, my ears.

00:06:53 Hurst
If I have the full works at the barber, I would not expect to be there for more than an hour.

00:06:59 Squirrell
Yeah, that seems like a shockingly long amount of time to be at the barber.

00:07:01 Squirrell
An hour, I mean, not eight.

00:07:03 Squirrell
Eight is...

00:07:07 Hurst
But in her defence, she looked hot.

00:07:10 Squirrell
And we look rough as ****.

00:07:11 Squirrell
So this is perhaps why.

00:07:14 Squirrell
You're winning.

00:07:15 Squirrell
Right.

00:07:16 Hurst
Yeah.

00:07:16 Squirrell
Cool.

00:07:17 Squirrell
Hearst, we have got so many comments from last episode.

00:07:20 Hurst
Blimey.

00:07:21 Squirrell
Would you like to hear something?

00:07:22 Squirrell
Shall we crack on in?

00:07:24 Hurst
Of course.

00:07:24 Squirrell
No order to these.

00:07:25 Squirrell
So let's just go.

00:07:26 Squirrell
First vote is for me.

00:07:28 Squirrell
You can really tell which one of you uses a kitchen and which one of you likes cake.

00:07:32 Squirrell
Easy win and yes, and Madeline is terrifying.

00:07:34 Squirrell
Side note, you could use a melon baller to make balls of cake and have snack sized bits of cake, negating the need for a fork.

00:07:41 Squirrell
That's from Moneyslinger.

00:07:43 Hurst
Shut up, Moneyslinger.

00:07:44 Squirrell
I haven't actually seen those little cakes on a stick.

00:07:46 Hurst
Don't try and validate melon ballers.

00:07:49 Squirrell
No, they are terrible.

00:07:50 Squirrell
Next up, the pepper canon did it for me.

00:07:53 Squirrell
Also, I totally agree about the cheese grater.

00:07:55 Squirrell
Great work, squirrel.

00:07:56 Squirrell
That's from Jazzy.

00:07:57 Squirrell
Goddess Jasmine.

00:07:58 Squirrell
Thank you very much, Jazzy.

00:08:00 Squirrell
Next up, one for you, Hurst.

00:08:02 Squirrell
Squirrel stuff is cool,

00:08:03 Squirrell
But hearse won't cost a kidney, so it's Matt H this week.

00:08:06 Squirrell
I'm now excited to see bonus butter making and caking icing content.

00:08:10 Squirrell
That's from Kerr.

00:08:11 Squirrell
Thanks, Kerr.

00:08:12 Hurst
Nice.

00:08:13 Squirrell
You will not be seeing.

00:08:14 Squirrell
I mean, can you ice cakes?

00:08:16 Squirrell
You're an artist.

00:08:17 Squirrell
Does that mean you can ice a cake?

00:08:18 Squirrell
I don't know how these transfer.

00:08:19 Hurst
Yeah, I reckon.

00:08:20 Hurst
I'll be good at that.

00:08:21 Squirrell
Nice.

00:08:22 Squirrell
I reckon you should do that.

00:08:23 Squirrell
Draw a ******* great picture of your face on a cake.

00:08:26 Hurst
Yeah, nice.

00:08:27 Hurst
I'll get on to that.

00:08:28 Squirrell
It's a vote for you, Hurst, but the comment just said slim pickings this week, Great comment.

00:08:38 Hurst
Put us in our place.

00:08:41 Squirrell
Yeah, well, yeah, I mean, we didn't expect it to be a contentious episode, but I think it might be the most contentious episode we've ever had.

00:08:50 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:08:51 Squirrell
And the votes, I mean, we're all over the place here.

00:08:53 Squirrell
The next one is one for me.

00:08:55 Squirrell
I don't normally vote because I'm too lazy/forgetful, but I was compelled to this week because of how much Hearst ****** it.

00:09:02 Squirrell
I mean, a fork.

00:09:03 Squirrell
What was he thinking?

00:09:04 Squirrell
That's from Jones.

00:09:05 Squirrell
Thank you, Jones, I agree.

00:09:07 Hurst
It's a squirrel fan club all coming in.

00:09:09 Squirrell
Oh, oh, excuse me.

00:09:10 Squirrell
Well, let's quickly talk about the person that's never voted for anyone but you.

00:09:14 Squirrell
You had me at the spatula! Most excellent episode, chaps.

00:09:17 Squirrell
The tension was palpable, that Kate Griffords is plentiful, and Hearst is clearly the winner here.

00:09:22 Squirrell
But aren't we all winners as we stab, scoop, slice, whip and stir our forks on the daily, either in the kitchen or the garden, whilst knowing we have the potential to rule the ocean?

00:09:32 Squirrell
Love from Rachel, who never votes for anyone except for you.

00:09:35 Hurst
Man, so she shared.

00:09:36 Squirrell
A vote for squirrel.

00:09:38 Squirrell
This is me reading it.

00:09:40 Squirrell
A vote for squirrel.

00:09:41 Squirrell
I have the field and it's fantastic.

00:09:43 Squirrell
The can lid remover is awesome and I've seen it in action.

00:09:47 Squirrell
I won't be spending 15 grand on one though.

00:09:49 Squirrell
Keep up the good work from Kovac.

00:09:53 Squirrell
I was sat next to my wife in the car and she was listening to that episode as you were talking about it's continuing 15 grand getting me in trouble.

00:10:02 Squirrell
****.

00:10:04 Hurst
It was 15 grand.

00:10:06 Squirrell
It was not 50 grand.

00:10:07 Squirrell
Yo, Davpaz here.

00:10:09 Squirrell
Voting for Squirrel this week is the cheese grater swing it for me.

00:10:12 Squirrell
I am a proud owner of the Oopfield, and I'm astonished that it's not the standard.

00:10:16 Squirrell
Its design is greater than all the rest.

00:10:20 Squirrell
Love and hugs, big meat lover.

00:10:22 Squirrell
Sorry, Davpaz.

00:10:23 Squirrell
So thanks, Davpaz, and well done for actually putting your name on something.

00:10:26 Hurst
And listening through to the all-important outtakes, because your big meat thing didn't come through to the outtakes.

00:10:32 Squirrell
That's true, yeah.

00:10:33 Squirrell
After the theme tune, though, I think the outtakes is the second most enjoyed bit of our tune.

00:10:37 Squirrell
Yeah, probably right.

00:10:39 Squirrell
Team Hurst, for me, the fork is the best kitchen implement because it's basically four tiny swords working together like a culinary Avengers team.

00:10:46 Squirrell
From Barely One Good Leg.

00:10:48 Squirrell
Thanks, Barely One Good Leg.

00:10:49 Squirrell
Thanks for writing in.

00:10:51 Hurst
Reckon that might be Carly.

00:10:52 Hurst
I think basically Carly and my friends vote for me and then everyone else votes for me.

00:10:55 Squirrell
Carly's a bit further down.

00:10:57 Hurst
Is she?

00:10:58 Hurst
So barely one good leg because she's been hobbling around with her torn calf muscles.

00:11:02 Squirrell
Well then, we've got an interesting comment coming up.

00:11:05 Squirrell
A vote for me.

00:11:06 Squirrell
The number one for this episode was the same as the car versus penny farthing episode, but in reverse.

00:11:12 Squirrell
Anyway, Oscar's choices were better, but I do really like cake.

00:11:15 Squirrell
There's Ohio.

00:11:17 Squirrell
Thanks, Ohio.

00:11:18 Hurst
Yeah, Ohio.

00:11:18 Squirrell
Oh yes, here we go.

00:11:20 Squirrell
This is the one I thought was from Carly Hurst.

00:11:22 Squirrell
It's a vote for you.

00:11:23 Squirrell
And it says, I love the way he forks.

00:11:28 Hurst
That is controversial.

00:11:32 Hurst
That's as controversial as your 15 grand.

00:11:35 Hurst
I've not been forking anyone else's cake, right?

00:11:37 Hurst
Just putting that right out now.

00:11:39 Squirrell
All right, well, let's move swiftly on.

00:11:41 Squirrell
A vote for Hearst.

00:11:43 Squirrell
There is a delicate beauty in the simplicity of choices.

00:11:46 Squirrell
Clean, efficient, direct, no nonsense, an absolute triumph of the everyone, taking us back to the core of what it is to be a person,

00:11:54 Squirrell
just living their life, one step at a time, using a fork, not thinking about the implications of handling what must have been the greatest leap forward in evolution for the human race.

00:12:04 Squirrell
Well done, Hurst.

00:12:05 Squirrell
You have my love, admiration, and heartfelt thanks.

00:12:09 Squirrell
From Trooper.

00:12:10 Squirrell
P.S.

00:12:11 Squirrell
Was that positive enough for you, ************?

00:12:14 Hurst
Yes, right.

00:12:15 Hurst
I mean, it ticked off at the end, but for the large part, yeah, absolutely.

00:12:20 Squirrell
I think you accused Trooper in the previous episode of not being very kind.

00:12:24 Hurst
Yeah, he was pretty rude though, wasn't he?

00:12:26 Squirrell
Yes, not this time though.

00:12:27 Squirrell
So thank you, Trooper.

00:12:28 Hurst
Obviously listening more carefully this time.

00:12:30 Squirrell
Or he just wanted to make a joke about swearing at the end and so had to choose you, I don't know.

00:12:35 Hurst
Well, whatever it takes.

00:12:38 Squirrell
I do think the canopy is amazing, but I'm a massive fan of cake and this being season 2, the season of hers, there's no denying that he's missed his edges squirrels.

00:12:47 Squirrell
with all its cakey goodness.

00:12:48 Squirrell
Also, my granddad took some of his finger off of a mandolin slicer, so you're right to be wary of them horrid things.

00:12:53 Squirrell
That's from The Vision, who apparently I think is just going to vote for you every episode.

00:12:57 Squirrell
Fair enough, good enough.

00:12:58 Hurst
Very, very clever and good looking there, isn't he, The Vision?

00:13:01 Squirrell
Continue the streak, as it were.

00:13:04 Squirrell
Purse for the win, that bloody can opener will never win anything from me.

00:13:07 Squirrell
From Anonymous, who could that be?

00:13:09 Squirrell
Your wife potentially talking about how well you ****.

00:13:13 Squirrell
My wife just criticizing my purchasing.

00:13:16 Squirrell
Thanks, honey.

00:13:18 Squirrell
And then finally, told you there was a lot, vote for me.

00:13:22 Squirrell
Quite surprising that Hearst loosely knew at least five kitchen implements.

00:13:26 Squirrell
Not at all surprising that all five led to cake.

00:13:28 Squirrell
I wish I could measure my pepper output in teaspoons per second.

00:13:31 Squirrell
Girl, you're a ******* genius, man.

00:13:33 Squirrell
That's from Matt and Laura.

00:13:34 Hurst
I can't believe they vote together.

00:13:35 Hurst
Laura knows about as much about a kitchen as I do.

00:13:38 Squirrell
Plus, I only get one vote.

00:13:40 Squirrell
Do I add an extra vote on for that?

00:13:41 Squirrell
Because it's Matt and Laura.

00:13:43 Hurst
No, because if Laura was actually voting, there's no way she'd have voted for your nonsense.

00:13:48 Hurst
She devoted to all the cleaning and the materials in the kitchen.

00:13:50 Hurst
She's an avid cleaner.

00:13:52 Hurst
She loves it.

00:13:53 Hurst
Like the moniker of their flat?

00:13:55 Squirrell
But not hateful, presumably.

00:13:57 Hurst
Not hateful, no.

00:13:58 Squirrell
Oh, good.

00:13:59 Squirrell
Hurst, you ready for the results?

00:14:01 Hurst
Go on.

00:14:01 Squirrell
Who in it?

00:14:03 Squirrell
I got 18.

00:14:05 Squirrell
Fine.

00:14:06 Squirrell
You got 20.

00:14:08 Squirrell
No way! There he goes.

00:14:10 Squirrell
There he goes.

00:14:10 Squirrell
It's the season of Hurst.

00:14:12 Hurst
It's the season of Hurst.

00:14:14 Squirrell
Do you have any idea what your top five was?

00:14:17 Hurst
Yes.

00:14:19 Hurst
Then at #5, we have the electric whisk.

00:14:24 Hurst
Then at #4, the piping bag.

00:14:29 Hurst
At #3, the silicon spatula.

00:14:34 Hurst
Number 2, the chef's knife.

00:14:38 Hurst
This week at #1, the greatest kitchen implement is the mighty fork.

00:14:59 Squirrell
There we are.

00:14:59 Squirrell
It is official, Hurst.

00:15:01 Squirrell
This is official ********.

00:15:03 Squirrell
We move on from our most contentious episode to one that surely, at this time of goodwill to all men and presumably women, is going to be less argumentative.

00:15:13 Hurst
Let's find out.

00:15:18 Squirrell
Hurst, it's time to flip the coin of destiny.

00:15:21 Hurst
Excellent.

00:15:22 Squirrell
Heads for Hurst.

00:15:23 Squirrell
Squirrels have tails.

00:15:23 Squirrell
Let's go.

00:15:26 Squirrell
it's heads rehearsed.

00:15:26 Squirrell
It tried to be tails, then it fell off my desk and I caught it.

00:15:29 Squirrell
Heads rehearsed.

00:15:30 Hurst
There he goes.

00:15:31 Hurst
Destined to be.

00:15:32 Hurst
Number 5 for me is Driving Home for Christmas by Chris Rhea.

00:15:41 Hurst
The song equivalent to a cup of mulled wine, all part of the build up to Christmas.

00:15:46 Hurst
Best song for feeling festive in the car.

00:15:48 Hurst
A classy take on the anticipation rather than the ******** cashing in on popularised nonsense like Only Three More Sleeps.

00:15:55 Hurst
**** you, Leona Lewis, you're hot, an incredible singer, but that was ********.

00:15:59 Hurst
Driving Home for Christmas, Chris Rea, you have, I believe, an interesting fact about Chris Rea and that song.

00:16:05 Hurst
Do you want to hit us with that?

00:16:06 Squirrell
Yes, and now that he's retired, I think it's okay for me to tell people.

00:16:10 Squirrell
My father used to work as someone that restored racing cars.

00:16:14 Squirrell
Chris Rea, every January, he and Chris Rea went out to look at the car to see if Chris Rea wanted to buy this new racing car, which he funded entirely.

00:16:22 Squirrell
The royalties he got in December from Driving Home for Christmas.

00:16:26 Hurst
Best job ever.

00:16:28 Squirrell
Sitting doing nothing.

00:16:29 Squirrell
Yeah, correct.

00:16:30 Hurst
Just calling around in your race car until January when you go and buy a new one.

00:16:34 Squirrell
New race car.

00:16:35 Squirrell
Because certain songs come on the radio.

00:16:38 Squirrell
Brilliant.

00:16:39 Hurst
It is a banger.

00:16:39 Hurst
It's one that actually Carly and I have a, when we were first together, it was just kept coming on when we were in the car together.

00:16:45 Hurst
So it sort of became our Christmas song.

00:16:48 Hurst
I liked it anyway, but now I like it extra.

00:16:51 Squirrell
But you did that come out?

00:16:52 Squirrell
Like 81 or something.

00:16:54 Hurst
I don't know, I didn't look at when they came out.

00:16:55 Squirrell
I don't know, not important.

00:16:57 Squirrell
Oh, robot voice, now I've got robot voice in.

00:16:59 Squirrell
I've got short enough time to do this ******* episode as it is.

00:17:01 Squirrell
Right, moving on.

00:17:03 Squirrell
Number 5 for me, Merry Xmas, Everybody by Slade is what I went for.

00:17:08 Squirrell
Hurst, 1973, Noddy Holder and Jim Lee wrote this one down.

00:17:13 Squirrell
You know what it is.

00:17:14 Squirrell
It's the glam rock stomper, right?

00:17:17 Squirrell
Where he goes, it's Christmas.

00:17:20 Squirrell
And then what's he say?

00:17:21 Squirrell
Hit it, kids.

00:17:22 Squirrell
Oh, come on, kids.

00:17:24 Squirrell
Come on, you lot.

00:17:25 Squirrell
I think you'll find.

00:17:26 Squirrell
Come on, you lot.

00:17:28 Squirrell
Brilliant.

00:17:28 Squirrell
He said it's got a key change as well, which is probably because of the kids, but it doesn't matter.

00:17:32 Squirrell
It's still technically a key change.

00:17:33 Squirrell
I'm taking it.

00:17:34 Squirrell
Drink?

00:17:34 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:17:35 Squirrell
Number 5.

00:17:36 Squirrell
You all know it.

00:17:37 Squirrell
That's not going to be the case for all of my sons.

00:17:40 Squirrell
Merry Christmas, everybody, thanks.

00:17:44 Robo-Katy Perry
So here it is, Merry Christmas, everybody's having fun.

00:17:52 Robo-Katy Perry
Look to the...

00:17:55 Robo-Katy Perry
No contention there.

00:18:04 Hurst
So #5 has gone off without any kind of tension between us.

00:18:07 Hurst
Happy days.

00:18:08 Hurst
At #4, I have chosen Stay by East 17.

00:18:14 Hurst
Just the huge balls to crack out a power ballad as your Christmas release is really what won Brian Harvey and his team who Take That Chums the number one for that year and a nostalgic place in my heart.

00:18:26 Hurst
If you listen carefully, you can actually hear them grabbing that bit of air just above their heads and pulling it down to their chests.

00:18:32 Hurst
You know what I'm talking about.

00:18:33 Robo-Katy Perry
Stay away.

00:18:34 Robo-Katy Perry
Don't think I could take the pain.

00:18:40 Robo-Katy Perry
Won't you stay another day?

00:18:44 Hurst
Classic boy band move for power ballads and romance songs about Stay.

00:18:48 Hurst
He's 17, #4.

00:18:50 Squirrell
See, I didn't like Stay by He's 17.

00:18:52 Squirrell
Why do you like it though?

00:18:54 Squirrell
It's...

00:18:56 Squirrell
It's Saturday, like your most hated Spice Girls song.

00:18:59 Hurst
No, but it's in the same way that I used to love Band-Aid and now I really hate it.

00:19:04 Hurst
I used to hate Stay when I was at the age when I hated E17 for just being E17, but now they're just nostalgia.

00:19:14 Hurst
And if you think about it, was towards the end of the period when it wasn't a shoe-in that it was going to be reality TV or then onto social media that was going to be Christmas number one.

00:19:24 Hurst
It just won it in its own.

00:19:25 Hurst
own right.

00:19:26 Hurst
And I have some respect for that.

00:19:28 Hurst
But also, it just, it cracks me up.

00:19:31 Hurst
And now I kind of like it.

00:19:33 Squirrell
Fair enough.

00:19:34 Squirrell
I know a fact about this one as well.

00:19:36 Squirrell
It wasn't originally going to be released at Christmas time.

00:19:38 Squirrell
It wasn't a Christmas song.

00:19:39 Squirrell
They just suddenly realized that it had a chance for Christmas #1 and put the bells at the end and they go, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, and that's it.

00:19:45 Squirrell
That's the only Christmas bit in the entire song.

00:19:47 Squirrell
Otherwise, it's just a song.

00:19:49 Hurst
Which is massive balls, I say, just going out.

00:19:52 Hurst
We're good enough that we don't need to sing about Christmas.

00:19:55 Hurst
They weren't.

00:19:56 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:19:56 Hurst
It turned out that they were.

00:19:58 Squirrell
I mean, I think Mad World was the year after, so.

00:20:00 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:20:01 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:20:02 Squirrell
All right, cool.

00:20:04 Squirrell
My number four.

00:20:05 Squirrell
Yeah, I see.

00:20:07 Squirrell
No one's going to have heard of my number four.

00:20:17 Squirrell
It's called Fairy Tale of New York.

00:20:20 Squirrell
And it's by an Irish group called The Pogues.

00:20:23 Hurst
How do you spell Pogues?

00:20:25 Squirrell
P-O-G-U-E-S.

00:20:28 Hurst
No, I've heard of it.

00:20:29 Squirrell
Oh, right.

00:20:30 Squirrell
Let me try and describe it for you, Hurst.

00:20:32 Squirrell
It starts off as just a man singing.

00:20:35 Squirrell
He's either acapella or he's only kind of got one instrument in the background.

00:20:39 Hurst
But anyway, it's a piano.

00:20:40 Squirrell
You know what the ******* Pogues is in the fairytale of New York?

00:20:43 Squirrell
Of course you do.

00:20:44 Squirrell
It's probably on #1 if you look at lists made by lesser rank because I think everyone would have this or maybe Mariah Carey at #1.

00:20:52 Squirrell
Fairytale of New York is a fantastic song in its own right.

00:20:56 Squirrell
And

00:20:57 Squirrell
I've always liked the Pogues with it, and I don't really know why or how that happened.

00:21:01 Squirrell
But from a young age, I was listening to things like Turkish Song of the Damned, which is by the Pogues, which I really liked as well.

00:21:07 Squirrell
But yeah, Fairy Tale of New York, obviously a banger, obviously a classic, has some rude words in.

00:21:13 Squirrell
People got upset.

00:21:14 Squirrell
Oh, they took out the word ****** and now I don't like this song anymore.

00:21:17 Squirrell
What is wrong with you?

00:21:19 Squirrell
How is that to human react?

00:21:20 Squirrell
Anyway, that aside, yeah, great song.

00:21:23 Squirrell
Excellent drumming, as well, if you listen.

00:21:25 Squirrell
Drumming's so ******* clean you can eat off it.

00:21:28 Squirrell
Number 4, Fairytale of New York.

00:21:30 Hurst
It's the only thing off of the post you'd want to eat off, though.

00:21:38 Robo-Katy Perry
They got cars, big as bars, they got rivers of gold, but the windows right through you, it's no place for the old.

00:21:44 Hurst
Yes, no, it's a great shout.

00:21:45 Hurst
And it's not like a battery sings with the piano at the beginning.

00:21:48 Squirrell
Yeah, it's a color, isn't it?

00:21:49 Hurst
Yes.

00:21:49 Hurst
Yeah.

00:21:50 Hurst
Good call.

00:21:51 Hurst
No, so far no quarrels.

00:21:53 Hurst
My #3 is Merry Christmas, Everybody by Slade.

00:21:57 Hurst
So we obviously discussed this a little bit already.

00:22:00 Hurst
Lonnie Holder screaming, it's Christmas.

00:22:03 Hurst
Suddenly he just makes you 7 again.

00:22:05 Hurst
It's raucous and loud and fun.

00:22:08 Hurst
It just reminds me of when I used to be genuinely super excited about the whole thing.

00:22:11 Hurst
From the golden age of Christmas songs before it was all.

00:22:14 Hurst
all this predictable nonsense.

00:22:16 Hurst
I feel like that was a golden time for Christmas.

00:22:19 Squirrell
What?

00:22:19 Squirrell
Eight years before we were alive.

00:22:21 Hurst
It's like when he now says the old ones are the best and she's up there rock'n'rolling with the rest.

00:22:26 Squirrell
It's true.

00:22:26 Squirrell
I also like the fact they worked in that if you get smacked on the head by your tobugger then you've been slayed.

00:22:32 Squirrell
Come on.

00:22:35 Hurst
It's brilliant.

00:22:35 Hurst
Yeah, it's a brilliant song.

00:22:36 Hurst
It just, it makes me feel like a kid.

00:22:38 Hurst
There are very few of those that, I mean, you hear them over and over again, but that one can't help me smile and just think, yeah, that's

00:22:44 Hurst
That's when Christmas was so exciting.

00:22:46 Robo-Katy Perry
It's Christmas! Come on, you look.

00:22:49 Squirrell
It might be, although there's probably going to be some contenders, but I think it might be the best one to just hammer out when you're drunk in the pub at Christmas time when it comes on the radio, stereo, whatever they're doing.

00:22:59 Squirrell
To sing along to when drunk, I think that might be high on the list of best Christmas songs.

00:23:03 Hurst
Yeah, and the nice thing is, obviously, it's Christmas shout at the end is what makes the song.

00:23:13 Hurst
And whenever they're using it on adverts, they don't make you go through the rounds and rounds of the...

00:23:17 Squirrell
They just give you that bit.

00:23:18 Hurst
They just give you that bit and you're like, yeah, associated.

00:23:21 Squirrell
All right.

00:23:22 Squirrell
My number three is a new song.

00:23:26 Squirrell
It's only three years old.

00:23:27 Squirrell
It came out in 2022 and it was written specifically for the Guardians of the Galaxy holiday special movie.

00:23:33 Squirrell
And I heard it.

00:23:34 Squirrell
I'm like, what is this song?

00:23:35 Squirrell
And I probably Shazam to look it up and it was brilliant.

00:23:39 Squirrell
It is, I don't know what Christmas is, brackets, but Christmas Time is Here by Old 97s.

00:23:45 Robo-Katy Perry
Out on the third planet closest to the sun, there's a special celebration and it sounds quite fun.

00:23:51 Robo-Katy Perry
A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone on a holiday they call Christmas.

00:23:59 Squirrell
I don't know what Christmas is, brackets, but Christmas time is here by old 97, which is absolutely not going to fit in the voting box on the website, so I don't know what I'm going to put in there yet.

00:24:09 Squirrell
But have you seen the Guardians of the Galaxy holiday special first?

00:24:12 Squirrell
I have not.

00:24:12 Squirrell
Very unlikely you've heard this song.

00:24:14 Squirrell
It's a song about someone not from Earth, in fact, trying to describe what Christmas is.

00:24:21 Squirrell
And they're like, Santa is like a burglar because he keeps getting to people's houses.

00:24:25 Squirrell
And if you haven't been good, he'll shoot missiles at your toes and ****.

00:24:30 Squirrell
And he has a flavor to roast your nuts.

00:24:32 Squirrell
The absolutely epic line, Mrs.

00:24:35 Squirrell
Claus works the poll.

00:24:36 Squirrell
One of my favorite things.

00:24:42 Squirrell
But it's a genuinely fun and catchy song.

00:24:44 Squirrell
And the old 97 are like an old rock band, I guess.

00:24:48 Squirrell
They got a big old break with this, I'm sure.

00:24:51 Squirrell
It's just a brilliant song and I love hearing it.

00:24:53 Squirrell
It's all on my Christmas list.

00:24:55 Squirrell
I will blast it out of the car.

00:24:57 Squirrell
Last year I was blasting it out of my Ocado van.

00:24:59 Squirrell
Yeah, love it.

00:25:01 Squirrell
And you don't know what it is?

00:25:02 Squirrell
No?

00:25:02 Squirrell
Quite a few people listening probably aren't going to know what it is.

00:25:05 Robo-Katy Perry
Rain, rain, rain, rain.

00:25:08 Robo-Katy Perry
Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.

00:25:11 Robo-Katy Perry
I don't know what Christmas is, but Christmas time is here.

00:25:16 Squirrell
Look it up on Spotify.

00:25:17 Squirrell
It's right there.

00:25:18 Squirrell
I don't know what Christmas is, but Christmas time is here.

00:25:20 Squirrell
Rankers and go, oh yeah, this song is great.

00:25:23 Squirrell
Number 3, the old 97s.

00:25:25 Hurst
You know, I like in keeping with the Christmas rhythm, as I said, stay by 17, it was Great Big Balls to crack out a power ballad as your Christmas number one.

00:25:32 Hurst
That there, that was Great Big Balls cracking out a song that no one's ever heard of as your #3 all-time best Christmas song.

00:25:39 Squirrell
Quite a few people have heard of this one because they'll have seen Guardians of the Galaxy, right?

00:25:43 Squirrell
It's #2.

00:25:44 Squirrell
It's the one that we're taking a risk on, of course.

00:25:49 Squirrell
****.

00:25:50 Squirrell
Look forward to that then.

00:25:51 Robo-Katy Perry
I don't know what Christmas is, but Christmas time is here.

00:25:56 Robo-Katy Perry
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

00:26:00 Robo-Katy Perry
Earthlings are so weird.

00:26:02 Robo-Katy Perry
I don't know what Christmas is, but Christmas time is here.

00:26:08 Robo-Katy Perry
What the heck's a turtle dove?

00:26:12 Robo-Katy Perry
And who lit up that deer?

00:26:16 Hurst
My #2, conversely, is not taking a risk.

00:26:20 Hurst
It is Last Christmas by Wham.

00:26:23 Hurst
Nothing says Christmas more than a song about heartbreak that still has you reeling 12 months later.

00:26:30 Hurst
George Michael gift-wrapped emotional devastation and synth-pop sparkle, and we happily sing along to the misery every single year.

00:26:37 Hurst
Recent years have seen, of course, the introduction of Whammageddon, where as soon as you hear the song, you lose.

00:26:43 Hurst
And if you don't hear it,

00:26:45 Hurst
You win.

00:26:45 Hurst
To be honest, so if you're playing along this year, assuming that Squirrel is going to be inserting these songs.

00:26:50 Squirrell
Well, I was just about to ask.

00:26:51 Squirrell
Should I not put it in the background there?

00:26:54 Squirrell
Maybe I'll get it not by Wham.

00:26:55 Squirrell
You reckon we're just going to **** Wham again for all the listeners?

00:27:00 Robo-Katy Perry
All right.

00:27:13 Squirrell
Don't forget, the rules of Wamageddon rankers are that you post on your socials that you have lost and why.

00:27:20 Squirrell
So make sure you mention Tough My Face off in your social.

00:27:22 Squirrell
All right, thanks, carry on.

00:27:24 Hurst
Cool beans.

00:27:24 Hurst
So if you're playing along this year, you know, sort of apologies, but now you get to listen to it.

00:27:30 Hurst
You've been depriving yourself of an all-time great, so actually you're welcome.

00:27:49 Hurst
Feel free to pay it every day from now until Christmas and stop living in fear.

00:27:51 Squirrell
There you go.

00:27:54 Squirrell
I lost Ramageddon back in Friday.

00:27:58 Squirrell
So didn't get too far.

00:27:59 Squirrell
What did I get?

00:28:00 Squirrell
Four days in.

00:28:01 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:28:01 Squirrell
Five days in.

00:28:02 Squirrell
Friday was the 5th.

00:28:03 Squirrell
Cool.

00:28:04 Squirrell
My #2 is by Brisky and Manish.

00:28:08 Squirrell
What?

00:28:09 Squirrell
You may also have heard of it because it was by Scott Mills and His Pigs in Blankets.

00:28:13 Squirrell
In 2020, Scott Mills got a load of people who had written popular Christmas songs together and they tried to work out what the perfect Christmas single was.

00:28:21 Squirrell
And that's the name of this song, Perfect Christmas Single.

00:28:24 Squirrell
They got like Noddy Holder was in there, Tim Minchin, I think, lots of other people.

00:28:28 Squirrell
And they went through the process of writing this song and they wanted to call it Perfect Christmas Single.

00:28:32 Squirrell
And it's about how much like George Michael, presumably someone was now single at Christmas time, they didn't let it bother them.

00:28:39 Squirrell
We're going to have a really, really good ******* time anyway.

00:28:41 Squirrell
Perfect Christmas single, right?

00:28:43 Squirrell
Clever.

00:28:43 Squirrell
Nice.

00:28:44 Squirrell
It's so much fun as a song.

00:28:46 Squirrell
It is like hitting every single Christmas cliche it can.

00:28:50 Squirrell
But it's still a really fun song.

00:28:52 Squirrell
And it contains the word for the bridge, you're Franken-sensational.

00:28:57 Robo-Katy Perry
You're Franken-sensational.

00:29:00 Robo-Katy Perry
You'll be the perfect Christmas single.

00:29:14 Squirrell
Good Lord.

00:29:16 Squirrell
That's just so, ranking sensational.

00:29:20 Squirrell
Oh my God, it's so good.

00:29:22 Squirrell
That's got Tim Minchin written all over it about it.

00:29:24 Squirrell
Yes, absolutely has, hasn't it?

00:29:27 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:29:27 Squirrell
It's a great song and it's genuinely my second favorite Christmas song.

00:29:31 Squirrell
I love it a bit and I will play it a lot.

00:29:34 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:29:35 Squirrell
Number 2, perfect Christmas single by Frisky and Manish.

00:29:37 Hurst
I'll look both of those two up, I think.

00:29:39 Squirrell
The Frisky and Manish version is on Spotify.

00:29:41 Squirrell
It isn't the same as the Scott Mills version, which you can get free from the BBC, but of course they're not allowed to make a profit off of that.

00:29:46 Squirrell
But yeah, Scott Mills is picking blankets.

00:29:48 Squirrell
If you search perfect Christmas single, it'll just eventually it'll come up after other people trying to write lists, which aren't, of course, official world rankings.

00:29:57 Squirrell
They're just chancers ******* chatting **** basically.

00:30:02 Hurst
Maybe Oxford graduates?

00:30:05 Squirrell
Are they the new?

00:30:05 Squirrell
Are they the anti-mounts?

00:30:07 Squirrell
The Ocean graduates are dumb now.

00:30:10 Squirrell
And actually, unless this goes without eight, no one's going to know what we're talking about.

00:30:15 Squirrell
There's no way that ******* bit is taking the faith out of this ****.

00:30:18 Squirrell
No, good call.

00:30:20 Squirrell
That's just for us.

00:30:22 Hurst
Fantastic.

00:30:22 Hurst
So we've gotten down to #2 before we hit the giddy heights of our number ones.

00:30:29 Hurst
Of course, it's time for our worst.

00:30:36 Hurst
Now I had to listen to a few things.

00:30:38 Hurst
I had to try and figure out what was the worst.

00:30:40 Hurst
And after I got to my third song, I needed to listen no more because I had just played Mistletoe by Justin Bieber.

00:30:48 Robo-Katy Perry
It's the most beautiful time of the year.

00:30:51 Robo-Katy Perry
Lights fill the streets, spreading so much cheer.

00:30:54 Robo-Katy Perry
I should be playing in the winter snow, but I'ma be under the mistletoe.

00:31:00 Hurst
**** me dead.

00:31:02 Hurst
Mistletoe is...

00:31:04 Hurst
utterly hateful, a twee Gen Z pandering pop wannabe R&B cash grab that rhymes anything with anything and hopes that no one notices.

00:31:14 Hurst
So let's pop the bonnet and survey the damage.

00:31:18 Hurst
Opening line.

00:31:20 Hurst
It's the most beautiful time of the year.

00:31:22 Hurst
Off to a bad start.

00:31:23 Hurst
Well, that's fine.

00:31:24 Hurst
What's up with that?

00:31:25 Hurst
It's going to come like seasonal boilerplate hallmark reject.

00:31:28 Hurst
It's the most beautiful time of the year.

00:31:30 Hurst
Christ, nothing new there, nothing original.

00:31:33 Hurst
Hasn't taken a second to come in that first line.

00:31:35 Hurst
Second line, lights fill the streets, spreading so much cheer.

00:31:39 Hurst
Definitely written by a five-year-old with a deadline, that one.

00:31:42 Hurst
It does rhyme, though.

00:31:44 Hurst
Yeah, and that's where the rhymes stop.

00:31:47 Hurst
Apart from the going into the chorus, 'cause loads of stuff, Ryan.

00:31:50 Hurst
I should be playing in the winter snow.

00:31:54 Hurst
Why, dude?

00:31:55 Hurst
You're 17, but...

00:31:58 Hurst
I'm a bee under the mistletoe.

00:32:01 Hurst
**** ***.

00:32:02 Hurst
I'm a is not a word.

00:32:03 Hurst
It's just lazy text speak cosplay nonsense.

00:32:08 Hurst
And it's the very epicenter of the whole song.

00:32:10 Hurst
I'm a bee under the mistletoe.

00:32:12 Hurst
Oh, right.

00:32:12 Squirrell
I thought you were saying I'm a bee, like buzz, buzz, buzz under the mistletoe.

00:32:17 Squirrell
And it was a clever thing for also Bieber.

00:32:19 Hurst
No.

00:32:20 Hurst
What he means is I'm going to be under the mistletoe.

00:32:23 Squirrell
I will be located beneath the mistletoe, ladies, come along, and unfortunately there will be a few of them.

00:32:28 Hurst
But he's gone with, I'm going to be under the mistletoe, with you shorty, with you.

00:32:33 Hurst
Because yes, nothing says Christmas like appropriated R&B slang from a Canadian teenager.

00:32:38 Squirrell
Yes.

00:32:39 Hurst
And then the rhymes continue in the heroic struggle with everyone's gathering around the fire, chestnuts roasting like hot July.

00:32:48 Squirrell
Doesn't rhyme.

00:32:49 Squirrell
That does not rhyme.

00:32:50 Hurst
Also, July.

00:32:52 Hurst
What's that got to do with chestnuts?

00:32:53 Hurst
There's literally no December imageries left.

00:32:56 Hurst
My favourite one next.

00:32:59 Hurst
Word on the street, Santa's coming tonight.

00:33:02 Hurst
On Christmas?

00:33:03 Hurst
No ****.

00:33:04 Hurst
That's the word on the street, is it?

00:33:06 Hurst
Santa's coming tonight.

00:33:07 Hurst
I should be making a list, I know.

00:33:09 Hurst
Once more, you're 17, mate.

00:33:10 Hurst
Why are you making a list?

00:33:12 Hurst
A, why are you making it?

00:33:13 Hurst
B, why are you making it on Christmas Eve when he's already out flying?

00:33:16 Hurst
So yeah, basically, I'd listen to the whole of Spice World album again rather than listen to this song once more.

00:33:22 Squirrell
There we are.

00:33:23 Squirrell
I see you like it.

00:33:24 Hurst
I hated it.

00:33:26 Hurst
made me so angry.

00:33:27 Hurst
I hate Justice Beaver.

00:33:30 Squirrell
Right.

00:33:30 Squirrell
Now, if you stop listening at the first song, I wonder if your 4th song was 1989's Christmas Effort from New Kids on the Block.

00:33:40 Squirrell
Oh yeah.

00:33:41 Squirrell
Funky, Funky Xmas.

00:33:43 Squirrell
Ho, ho, ho.

00:33:46 Robo-Katy Perry
Oh, little train, my little elf, another great Christmas.

00:33:50 Squirrell
Man, it's boring.

00:33:52 Squirrell
Come on.

00:33:52 Robo-Katy Perry
Same thing every year.

00:33:54 Robo-Katy Perry
So let's have a funky Christmas.

00:33:56 Robo-Katy Perry
Go on down.

00:33:57 Squirrell
Let's go.

00:33:59 Squirrell
Come on.

00:34:00 Robo-Katy Perry
Ho, ho, ho.

00:34:03 Robo-Katy Perry
Hey, where's that beef from?

00:34:05 Robo-Katy Perry
Check it out.

00:34:05 Squirrell
******* hell.

00:34:07 Squirrell
It deep shot over here, but it didn't do very well, which means not a lot of people, lucky for them,

00:34:14 Squirrell
******* heard it.

00:34:14 Squirrell
But I remember someone, it was a school disco, it got played and everyone was just kind of watching the name of **** is going on.

00:34:22 Squirrell
And I think, whatever, DJ they had hired for such a thing, just saw the worst New Kids on the Block who thinks, oh yeah, young people like New Kids on the Block because they did Hanging Tough, legitimate banger, by the way.

00:34:34 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:34:35 Squirrell
Funky, Funky Christmas is not that.

00:34:37 Squirrell
I take it.

00:34:38 Squirrell
Have you heard it?

00:34:39 Squirrell
No.

00:34:39 Squirrell
Let me play you a little.

00:34:40 Squirrell
The rankers at home will be hearing this already.

00:34:42 Squirrell
I'm going to play her a little so he hears it.

00:34:44 Robo-Katy Perry
Here we go.

00:34:51 Robo-Katy Perry
Have a funky, funky Christmas.

00:35:00 Squirrell
I'm not ******* kidding.

00:35:01 Squirrell
That's actually a song.

00:35:03 Hurst
That's god awful.

00:35:04 Squirrell
That is properly god awful.

00:35:05 Hurst
It doesn't make me as angry as Beaver though, because at least that's kind of, you know, of its type of.

00:35:10 Squirrell
But Mike, you've heard all the words first.

00:35:11 Squirrell
It starts off with Santa apparently singing to the new kids on the block.

00:35:16 Squirrell
And yeah, it's properly ****.

00:35:18 Squirrell
Let's have a look at some lyrics.

00:35:19 Squirrell
Well, it starts off by saying...

00:35:20 Squirrell
Let's pop the bonnet.

00:35:21 Squirrell
Let's pop the bonnet on these lyrics.

00:35:24 Squirrell
They're going to celebrate Christmas with rhyme.

00:35:26 Squirrell
No, with a rhyme, actually.

00:35:28 Squirrell
Okay.

00:35:29 Squirrell
And then they go through the names of the band, Danny D, are you ready?

00:35:32 Squirrell
Ready as I'll ever be.

00:35:34 Squirrell
Who else is it?

00:35:35 Squirrell
Joey Joe, Jordan and John.

00:35:38 Squirrell
Right.

00:35:38 Squirrell
They have a funky, funky Christmas going on.

00:35:40 Squirrell
I swear we got ourselves a party here.

00:35:43 Squirrell
Girls on the floor.

00:35:44 Squirrell
Those are two separate lines in this song.

00:35:45 Squirrell
We've got ourselves a party here.

00:35:48 Squirrell
Girls on the floor.

00:35:49 Squirrell
One has four syllables.

00:35:51 Squirrell
The other one has, I swear we got ourselves a party here.

00:35:55 Squirrell
Rankers.

00:35:56 Hurst
Can't see, but I am shaking my head in dismay.

00:36:00 Squirrell
As you should be.

00:36:01 Squirrell
I saw a sight you just wouldn't believe.

00:36:03 Squirrell
St.

00:36:04 Squirrell
Nick by the fireplace, dusting off his head with a crown on his face.

00:36:08 Squirrell
******* hell.

00:36:10 Hurst
That's rubbish.

00:36:10 Squirrell
I shot awful.

00:36:11 Squirrell
I'm throwing down my phone in disgust.

00:36:13 Hurst
That is 2 absolutely dreadful rubbish souls.

00:36:16 Squirrell
Properly ****.

00:36:17 Squirrell
Don't listen to them, Rankers.

00:36:18 Squirrell
Listen to these.

00:36:26 Hurst
So for me, my number one is The Mighty Fairy Tale of New York by The Pogues and Kirsty McCall.

00:36:40 Hurst
chaotic duet between two people who absolutely should not spend Christmas together, yet somehow deliver the most heartbreakingly hopeful anti-carol ever written.

00:36:48 Hurst
Right from the start, it's unconventional with that beautiful piano part, torn apart with a gruff Shane McGowan singing about how he's in jail on Christmas Eve because he got too drunk.

00:36:56 Hurst
And then the song kicks in and the love hate fest begins.

00:37:01 Hurst
Basically, la la la, everything used to be amazing and now you suck, la la la.

00:37:05 Hurst
It's genius.

00:37:06 Hurst
Music and lyrics equally so.

00:37:07 Hurst
No attempt to be twee or cash in on popular

00:37:10 Hurst
the culture.

00:37:10 Hurst
Just excellent.

00:37:11 Hurst
Best Christmas song by Miles.

00:37:13 Hurst
You did mention yes, of course, there was the country useful use of the word ****** which was later edited out.

00:37:17 Hurst
And I don't have any problem with that because, you know, times evolve, but it was never intended to be or contextually implies any pejorative sir against the LGBTQI community.

00:37:27 Hurst
So I don't hate the song suddenly because of it, but I'm perfectly happy for them to have edited it and made it easy.

00:37:32 Squirrell
I think they chop out old **** on junk as well.

00:37:37 Hurst
Yeah.

00:37:38 Squirrell
I don't know what they put in instead.

00:37:40 Squirrell
I think they might have done that first as well.

00:37:42 Hurst
Yeah, I mean, for the radio edits, then that's like, yeah, you can't really talk about that, but that's probably not the same.

00:37:47 Hurst
It's not offending a vast swathe of the population.

00:37:51 Squirrell
What, half?

00:37:52 Squirrell
You think half is not the same?

00:37:54 Hurst
Well, no, it's only offending the old ***** on junk.

00:37:57 Squirrell
You're right.

00:37:58 Squirrell
yeah, that's true.

00:37:58 Squirrell
Not all women are on junk.

00:38:00 Squirrell
My bad.

00:38:01 Hurst
And not all women are on ***** either.

00:38:04 Hurst
It's pretty specifically offending a very small group who, you know, probably aren't listening to our podcast.

00:38:10 Squirrell
Go off, **** queens.

00:38:11 Squirrell
You do you.

00:38:12 Squirrell
Keep at it.

00:38:12 Squirrell
Don't you listen to Shane McGowan or the BBC.

00:38:15 Squirrell
Keep you.

00:38:16 Hurst
Yeah, it's a great song.

00:38:17 Hurst
People love it for a reason.

00:38:19 Hurst
The reason is all the things I've said, it's two people going out.

00:38:22 Hurst
It's almost like we're

00:38:24 Hurst
I was watching in on this conversation that's happening between these two drunken reprobates.

00:38:29 Hurst
Yes.

00:38:30 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:38:30 Hurst
Would you like a fact and an estimated fact about the fairy tale of New York?

00:38:35 Hurst
Okie dokie.

00:38:36 Squirrell
Fact.

00:38:37 Hurst
In the UK Christmas polls over the last decade, Fairy Tale of New York appears in the top three around 68% of the time, making it the most consistently loved and festive song in the country.

00:38:48 Squirrell
Oh yes, I reckon that's a good one, but what's the next one?

00:38:51 Hurst
Fact, the song was originally meant to be a duet between Shane McGowan and the bassist Kato Reardon, not Kirsty McCall.

00:38:58 Hurst
They worked on it for over 2 years before bringing Kirsty in, and the moment she recorded her vocals, the producers instantly knew, this is the version.

00:39:06 Squirrell
All right.

00:39:07 Squirrell
Would you like to hear what's written in my notes for this song?

00:39:13 Squirrell
Made by Jem Finer and Shane McGowan, this Irish folk-style duet was originally meant to be sung by McGowan and Pope's bassist Kate O'Royden, but Kirsty McColl stepped in after O'Royden left the band.

00:39:23 Squirrell
Yeah, I think that one might be the true one.

00:39:26 Hurst
Yeah, ******* research.

00:39:27 Squirrell
I tell you what, the other one was very convincing, Hurst.

00:39:29 Squirrell
Good job.

00:39:30 Squirrell
Like, I bet that could also be true.

00:39:32 Squirrell
Did you check it wasn't?

00:39:34 Hurst
Yes, there's no evidence that that's true, but it probably wouldn't be if we bet if the polls have been done, because it is a great tune.

00:39:42 Hurst
Yes, that's more of our generation, I think.

00:39:45 Hurst
I suspect the younger generations don't love it the same way we do.

00:39:49 Squirrell
Maybe, but Christmas songs do have the ability to transcend generation.

00:39:53 Squirrell
I mean, you think about how rare it is to get a new one.

00:39:56 Squirrell
Unfortunately, as you don't seem to like it, but Leona Lewis does seem to have managed that with, what's it called, five more days to Christmas or eight more days to Christmas.

00:40:03 Hurst
Sleeps till Christmas.

00:40:04 Hurst
That's what ****** me off ****.

00:40:06 Hurst
I hate that as a content like adult saying, oh, it's only three more sleeps.

00:40:09 Hurst
I'm like, no, it's three more days, grips my ****.

00:40:13 Squirrell
Would you like to hear my number one?

00:40:14 Hurst
Let's go on then.

00:40:15 Squirrell
My #1 has always been Christmas wrapping by the waitress.

00:40:30 Squirrell
Like the first time I heard this when I was a tiny little child in 1981, presumably, I heard it straight away.

00:40:37 Squirrell
This new wave classic, I'm reliably informed by the internet.

00:40:41 Squirrell
It's great.

00:40:43 Squirrell
Number one, Christmas wrapping.

00:40:44 Hurst
Christmas wrapping by who?

00:40:46 Squirrell
The waitresses, you do know it, you do know it's the one that goes, Merry Christmas.

00:40:53 Squirrell
Merry Christmas, but I think I'm out this year.

00:40:55 Hurst
Yeah, OK.

00:40:56 Squirrell
Yeah, it's that one.

00:40:57 Squirrell
It's the story about a woman who lives in New York.

00:40:59 Squirrell
She's ******* busy.

00:41:00 Squirrell
She's got **** to do with her.

00:41:02 Squirrell
She hasn't got time for either Christmas or romance, even though she's trying to do the romance with this guy.

00:41:07 Squirrell
But for various reasons, they can't just meet up for their first date.

00:41:11 Squirrell
You know, the cars are breaking down.

00:41:14 Squirrell
She gets sunburned in the 4th degree.

00:41:16 Squirrell
or something, and they can't meet until she spends Christmas on her own, realizes she doesn't have any cranberry sauce, and rushes to the only all-night grocery to buy some, and then there he is too...

00:41:28 Squirrell
isn't that Alex?

00:41:29 Squirrell
It's not really, it doesn't sound like a Christmas song in a lot of ways, because it's very jazzy and, well, new wave, for fun to believe.

00:41:36 Squirrell
The vocal is completely deadpan by Patty Donahue, I am informed here.

00:41:42 Squirrell
It just stands out as a really fun and really good song.

00:41:48 Squirrell
And yeah, it has been my favorite Christmas song for as long as I remember.

00:41:52 Squirrell
And fortunately for me, it's one that other people have heard of, even though you might not know it by the name, I'm sure if you're hearing it in the background right now, you're like, yes, I know that song, absolutely.

00:42:14 Squirrell
And he's got a happy ending.

00:42:16 Squirrell
It's like the opposite of Fairy Tale of New York, which goes the other way.

00:42:19 Squirrell
It starts off happy and gets sad and then, yeah.

00:42:23 Hurst
I know, it starts off like sad and gets more sad really.

00:42:28 Squirrell
Sadder.

00:42:28 Squirrell
It starts off sad and gets angry.

00:42:30 Squirrell
It's Christmas Eve.

00:42:31 Squirrell
I'm in the drunk tank.

00:42:33 Squirrell
Yeah, that's true.

00:42:34 Squirrell
The ******* second line.

00:42:35 Squirrell
First line is funny because it's Christmas Eve.

00:42:37 Squirrell
Oh, everything.

00:42:40 Squirrell
So I'll talk to her about people who aren't really into Christmas.

00:42:44 Squirrell
But Christmas magic happens in Christmas wrapping, Hurst.

00:42:46 Squirrell
Yay! And she and the mystery man, I'm sure, are still happy today.

00:42:52 Hurst
Yeah.

00:42:52 Squirrell
Would you like a fact, an estimated fact about Christmas wrapping slash the waitresses as a band?

00:42:58 Squirrell
Fact me.

00:42:59 Squirrell
Fact.

00:43:00 Squirrell
Well, often cited as one hit wonders, the waitresses had another hit with I Know What Boys Like.

00:43:07 Squirrell
Not very good.

00:43:08 Squirrell
I didn't really like it, but there you are.

00:43:10 Squirrell
Fact, Tom Cruise was originally going to be the faintest in the waitresses, but in 1981, he was working on his first major movie role in Taps.

00:43:18 Squirrell
So Tracy Wormworth did it instead.

00:43:20 Squirrell
And she did a superb job, as you would have heard, in the baseline.

00:43:23 Hurst
Now, was he actually doing that in 1981?

00:43:27 Squirrell
Yes, I looked at the question.

00:43:31 Hurst
I think that was his peak, like in the 80s was...

00:43:34 Hurst
like peak Tom.

00:43:35 Hurst
I mean, peak Tom Cruise was basically the 80s through to now.

00:43:38 Squirrell
Sure, 81 though, he was...

00:43:41 Hurst
81 was early Tom Cruise, wasn't it?

00:43:44 Hurst
Yeah, no, you know what?

00:43:45 Hurst
I think that he would have probably, at that point, they've taken this job.

00:43:50 Hurst
No, it was, they wanted Tom Cruise, but they couldn't get him.

00:43:54 Squirrell
First, I'm afraid you are wrong.

00:43:55 Squirrell
Oh, I completely made that one up.

00:43:57 Squirrell
Tom Cruise was indeed working in Taps, which was his first major role, first role in a major movie, sorry.

00:44:04 Squirrell
But Tracy Worms was all the time.

00:44:09 Squirrell
There was never anyone.

00:44:11 Squirrell
The waitresses and they did have a hit with I know what boys like.

00:44:16 Hurst
So there we are.

00:44:16 Hurst
That's our top five.

00:44:18 Hurst
At this point, we would normally spin the wheel, but we are going to do another Christmas special in two weeks time.

00:44:25 Hurst
We're going to do the top five Christmas movies.

00:44:27 Squirrell
Yep, that is absolutely correct.

00:44:29 Squirrell
And then after that, the Patreon specialist is going to be top five Christmas presents that we

00:44:34 Squirrell
we received that year, which could get us into trouble if we don't pick the correct ones from our other halves who listen, or family members if we give them the worst, and they're like, What the ****?

00:44:47 Squirrell
I thought you wanted...

00:44:48 Squirrell
I don't know, tea kettle coast.

00:44:50 Hurst
We might need to come up with a sound effect for tactical rank warning.

00:44:55 Squirrell
Hell no! If it's your worst, do not stick to your contest! **** you wife, I hate that present you bought me!

00:45:02 Squirrell
That might be what we do.

00:45:04 Squirrell
But yeah, patrons will hear that for the low, low price, Hurst.

00:45:07 Squirrell
Can you guess how low this price is?

00:45:09 Hurst
I mean, considering it's on offer, it's got to be about 15, 20 quid a month.

00:45:15 Squirrell
Totally a pound a month, Hurst.

00:45:17 Squirrell
Get out.

00:45:19 Squirrell
Most people wouldn't even notice that leaving their bank account.

00:45:22 Hurst
Jeez.

00:45:24 Squirrell
Amazing.

00:45:25 Hurst
We should have that price apart from anyone who locks it in this month.

00:45:29 Squirrell
Hmm, what an interesting concept, Hurst.

00:45:31 Squirrell
You may have to think about that.

00:45:34 Squirrell
But yes, indeed, for a pound a month, you can join our Patreon, you can suggest topics for us to cover, you get bonus episodes, you get to hear stuff that we cut out of some episodes that is just too rude to put on Spotify normally, and things like that.

00:45:47 Squirrell
And for five pounds a month, that's all, Hurst, you could join the official supporter hub with such excellent people as Davpaz, Kovach, Mega98, AND Goddess Jasmine.

00:45:58 Hurst
No way.

00:45:59 Hurst
We've got a fourth official supporter.

00:46:02 Hurst
Oh, goddess, Jasmine.

00:46:03 Hurst
Welcome to the ranks of the official supporters hub.

00:46:06 Squirrell
Yes, yes, indeed.

00:46:08 Squirrell
Four people in the official supporter hub.

00:46:11 Squirrell
Woo.

00:46:11 Squirrell
Only 16 more people could join until it's full and no one else would be able to join and have their name read out.

00:46:17 Squirrell
Wow.

00:46:17 Squirrell
That'll happen just soon.

00:46:21 Squirrell
******* just soon.

00:46:22 Hurst
That's wild.

00:46:23 Hurst
That is wild.

00:46:25 Hurst
But yeah, I mean, since...

00:46:27 Hurst
Since last recording, we have definitely added more stuff to the Patreon sessions.

00:46:34 Hurst
I did my first bit of editing and realized what Squirrel goes through every week or every other week now.

00:46:38 Squirrell
You did, Rankers.

00:46:39 Squirrell
If you want to hear it, round a month.

00:46:41 Squirrell
New theme song.

00:46:42 Hurst
Yes.

00:46:43 Squirrell
For the Patreons.

00:46:43 Hurst
New theme song.

00:46:44 Squirrell
Yep.

00:46:45 Squirrell
Which is ******* excellent.

00:46:46 Hurst
Yeah.

00:46:49 Hurst
Okay, as much.

00:46:49 Squirrell
By far the best bit.

00:46:51 Hurst
Yeah.

00:46:51 Hurst
Standard.

00:46:53 Squirrell
There you are.

00:46:54 Squirrell
If you want to join patreon.co.uk, search for Top Five Face Off.

00:46:58 Squirrell
You can search for Top Five Face Off in many places and you'll find us.

00:47:01 Squirrell
Facebook, blue sky, the ******* internet, because we've got a website, Top Five Face Off.co.uk.

00:47:07 Squirrell
Go there, vote on your favorite Christmas song.

00:47:11 Hurst
That is important.

00:47:12 Hurst
You do need to vote and you need to do it within the next seven days.

00:47:16 Squirrell
It's probably 10 now.

00:47:18 Squirrell
I've changed some things.

00:47:19 Squirrell
First, do you know that we all know, of course, that some people listen and don't vote.

00:47:23 Squirrell
And, you know, thanks for listening.

00:47:24 Hurst
I do that.

00:47:26 Squirrell
First, some people vote but don't listen.

00:47:30 Squirrell
How do you feel about that?

00:47:32 Squirrell
Some people visit the website but never download the episode.

00:47:36 Hurst
In fairness, as you've said, there are two good bits of the show.

00:47:39 Hurst
There's the theme music and the outtakes.

00:47:41 Squirrell
So if anyone just wants to just vote, I get it.

00:47:45 Hurst
They don't have to listen to us for an hour.

00:47:48 Hurst
I'm about to start doing that.

00:47:50 Hurst
I'm okay with it.

00:47:51 Hurst
Better that way around because the votes are the thing that are enowing us to be a valuable resource for the world.

00:47:57 Squirrell
The official world ranking.

00:47:58 Squirrell
We have talked about your paintings on the internet.

00:48:00 Squirrell
If people want to go and see what's coming out of this new studio of yours next year, where should they go?

00:48:05 Hurst
Www..dogghouseart.co.uk.

00:48:09 Squirrell
Yeah, other than that, Hers.

00:48:10 Squirrell
Let's park this one up in a lay-by and call it done.

00:48:14 Hurst
Bring it home to land.

00:48:15 Squirrell
Please rewind this podcast for the next people that come along and we will be back soon with the top five Christmas movies.

00:48:24 Squirrell
See you later, Ruggers.

00:48:25 Hurst
See you later.

00:48:26 Hurst
Love you.

00:48:31 Harriet
Top Five Face-Off is presented by Matt Hurst and Matt Squirrel and produced by Power Storm Awesome Fire Incorporated.

00:48:38 Harriet
For more details and to vote for winner, visit topfivefaceoff.co.uk.

00:48:44 Harriet
Thanks for listening.

00:48:44 Robo-Katy Perry
Top Five Face Off.

00:49:03 Robo-Katy Perry
Top Five Face Off.

00:49:07 Robo-Katy Perry
Top Five Face Off.

00:49:11 Robo-Katy Perry
Top Five Face Off.

00:49:15 Squirrell
First, it's time to spin the coin of destiny.

00:49:18 Hurst
No, it's not.

00:49:18 Squirrell
First, it's time to flip the coin of destiny.

00:49:21 Squirrell
Excellent.

00:49:23 Hurst
Anything being gripping your ****?

00:49:25 Squirrell
Must be gripping my ****.

00:49:26 Squirrell
We're being served a cheese and pickles sandwich with a...

00:49:29 Squirrell
Well, it's a roll, actually, not a sandwich.

00:49:31 Squirrell
That's not *******.

00:49:32 Squirrell
Wow.

00:49:32 Squirrell
Could it be less interesting to see you in the ******* outfit?

00:49:38 Squirrell
Jesus.

00:49:40 Hurst
Number 3, the everyone's favourite.

00:49:43 Hurst
No.

00:49:43 Squirrell
It's not everyone's favourite.

00:49:45 Squirrell
It's not even your favourite.

00:49:46 Squirrell
What are you all about?

00:49:48 Squirrell
Beep.

00:49:50 Squirrell
Some rankers aren't as smart as we are though, Hurst.

00:49:54 Squirrell
You know, some things need to be spelled out.

00:49:56 Squirrell
I can give you a list of them from the comments.

00:49:58 Hurst
Some Oxford graduates aren't as smart as we are.

00:50:00 Hurst
they, Amelia?

00:50:00 Hurst
Oh, God.

00:50:01 Hurst
I'm so tired.

00:50:05 Squirrell
Where did that come from?

00:50:09 Hurst
Only graduate I know from Oxford, in fairness.

00:50:11 Hurst
*** ****.

00:50:13 Squirrell
**** you, Amelia.

00:50:15 Squirrell
Congrats on doing so well.

00:50:18 Squirrell
Yeah.

00:50:18 Squirrell
Now you're getting the **** ripped out of your **** podcast.

00:50:21 Hurst
That's right.

00:50:24 Squirrell
Oh, Christ.

00:50:25 Squirrell
Well, Kirsty McCall, I think was lovely, but yeah, the lead singer of The Post.

00:50:29 Squirrell
What's he called?

00:50:30 Squirrell
Shane McGowan.

00:50:31 Hurst
Shane McGowan.

00:50:33 Squirrell
He is a...

00:50:34 Squirrell
powerful looking man.

00:50:36 Hurst
Yes.

00:50:38 Hurst
He has a grubby cheek, we'll call it.

00:50:43 Squirrell
Yeah, all right.

00:50:44 Squirrell
Just let those crackheads before they were crackheads.

00:50:48 Hurst
Yes, he is not keen on the dentist.

00:50:54 Hurst
And I think a lot of the newer ones are slow.

00:50:57 Hurst
Slowly dropping off.

00:50:59 Squirrell
******* do it again.

00:51:01 Squirrell
******* burp in the middle of a sodas and disuspect me to deal with it.

00:51:08 Hurst
I can't remember what I was saying.

00:51:09 Squirrell
See you later, Ruggers.

00:51:12 Hurst
See you later.

00:51:14 Hurst
Love you.

00:51:16 Squirrell
No way.

00:51:16 Squirrell
That's the waitresses.